In pursuit of honesty

I had a real treat last night. I entered a competition to win free tickets to see Amy Grant – I didn’t expect to win, nor had I, in all honesty, listened to her music in recent years. But I grew up with it being blasted from my sister’s room and thought it would be great to hear where she is at now. So, accompanied by a good friend from church, off I travelled to Union Chapel in Islington. The venue was cosy and really atmospheric – a beautiful old church. I didn’t know anything about the gig really, so didn’t realise it was a stripped back acoustic set. Some musicians casually appeared and I thought perhaps they were the support act – but then Amy gracefully walked on stage. I was blown away by how little she’s changed – after 5 kids and at the age of 51 she looks absolutely amazing – and beautiful. And her new songs were really chilled and a mixture of bluesy/country/folky.

What I really loved, though, was her honesty and openness. After a while she asked people to shout out songs they wanted her to play. Some she hadn’t sung for over 20 years and she struggled a little with some chord arrangements/remembering a few lyrics but it was okay – she was honest about that and it just made it even more like we were party to an intimate gathering of friends jamming at that point.

The main thing that struck me was how raw, and how honest the whole evening was. Her songwriting has always told stories but hearing the true stories behind a lot of the songs was amazing – and gut wrenching at times. And even though she looks great, it is obvious that, like all of us, she’s lived through the good and bad – but refreshingly isn’t scared of letting that show. And of saying how much she needs the good friends and family who will be honest with her around her at all times.

After a particularly difficult time in my own life God really pushed me to be honest about where I was at, to help pull down the masks that we all seem to wear in Christian circles. I fought it for a while, as it was draining to be the only one doing it, but now my husband might say I’m sometimes too honest with the amount I share! πŸ˜‰ The point is, I can always sense when I am in the presence of someone else who isn’t scared to let their mask down and be who they really are, and comment on life as it really is. Aside from the trips down memory lane, as I realised I knew a lot of the lyrics to her songs off by heart, Β I felt privileged to share an evening with an honest soul who bares so much in her songs. She may have started out as a teenager, but she still has a deep joy about singing from her heart and she definitely had a profound affect on me last night. And it gave me fresh hope as I dwelt on the fact that most of the Christian musicians I’ve interviewed recently have also been really honest and had great depth to them. That is what it should be like – Christians pursuing honesty and integrity and supporting one another in love. That’s what the early Church was like – do you have those kinds of relationships in which you can bare all and expect total honesty, laced with grace, in return?

Guest blog on worship

I wanted to let you know that I have had the privilege of being asked to guest blog for the site Worship Team Coach. I have written about what it is like to lead a worship team alongside my husband and I hope that it will give readers some insight – and food for thought. Please check it out by clicking here.

The other two parts will follow on the next two Tuesdays – and I’d love to see some of your comments added to the site please! πŸ™‚

Celebrating silence

My house is sooooooo quiet. I have found it really difficult to re-adjust to having mornings to myself after half term. The house was full to bursting with fun, friends and food all week. So much so that I did feel a little guilty about how little work I’d done – but I was really grateful that we had so many great moments as a family. But after my daughter went off to school, and I was getting my son ready to go to pre-school, yesterday I had one thought in my head: ‘I can’t wait for some silence’. It wasn’t that I hadn’t enjoyed our time together – just that I was missing the balance. And I think so many of us in our crazily busy lives miss that all the time – and get so locked into our routines that we actually don’t notice. To be honest, when I had the silence and the space yesterday morning I couldn’t settle down to anything. I was fidgety and couldn’t concentrate. I think part of me had forgotten how to just sit still and be, and how to allow myself to slow down and engage with God in the quietness. There is always so much to get done, and so many things to tick off of a list, but I think God often looks down on me and wonders when I’m going to get it. When I’m going to understand that He doesn’t need me to be rushing about ‘doing’ things for Him – whether through my work or service to my family or church. That what He longs most of all is to spend some quality time with His daughter. So this week I’m celebrating the silence – and trying to re-engage with the discipline of sitting still in that silence and learning from the master….

A BIG weekend = BIG fun! :)

It has gradually dawned on me over the last day or so that we have a manic weekend ahead, and I should really be preparing for it. I can tell I’m tired because instead of rushing about ‘doing’ things, packing and creating lists, I’ve been procrastinating! Anyway, this weekend we will be enjoying three different events that are providing us with unique opportunities to reach out, have fun with our children and make links – both with possible clients but also with neighbours and friends.

The Diamond Jubilee is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and my daughter has grabbed hold of it particularly enthusiastically – she knows more about the royal family than me now! And, to kick off our weekend of fun, we are attending my daughter’s school’s jubilee street party. She has been deciding on what dress to wear for weeks, and has been busy practising the songs they are going to be performing for us. It promises to be a real treat – last year’s royal wedding street party was great fun – if a little noisy and chaotic! ;D

On Saturday we are heading to TheBigChurchDayOut. Armed with my press pass and list of possible questions for the artists, I’m thrilled to finally be able to make it. Having interviewed organiser Tim Jupp earlier in the year, which allowed me to learn more about his heart for the event, has made me intrigued and I’m looking forward to experiencing it for myself. I’m also hoping to catch up with people I’ve been working with – and others I hope to work with in the future. I’m not quite so sure whether we made the right decision when we allowed ourselves to be talked into taking our kids – who are 6 and 3 (although their older cousins are rather excited about the prospect of showing them round and looking after them – hooray!). And looking at the programme there does look like a lot of things for children to do – and Tim assures me it is a big day out for all the family. I guess having mine there will enable me to really test whether that is indeed the case…

On Monday our road will be closed as we host one of the 110 street parties going on in our town alone! I think it is fantastic that so many people have gotten together with their neighbours to organise these parties. Ours is definitely an ambitious one and a small committee of us have been meeting and planning for it for a long time now. There have been fraught moments, when it looked like the budget had been blown, or people disagreed over decisions. However, overall, it has been a fantastic way to get to know the neighbours better (although ours are all pretty friendly anyway – people who spend time with us always comment on how our road is like the one on Neighbours). But even though we are a pretty friendly bunch life is so busy that we rarely get much time to spend with each other. Our fantastic next door neighbours are also now in our church so it has been great that the wife, who is now retired, has been so helpful with the street party preparations, and we have had opportunities to mention the church in a casual way (as my husband is one of the pastors they know we are church goers anyway – and he is down to say the Jubilee Grace on the day). We are also able to help add to the festivities by lending the church face paints (and inviting a few of our best face painters along to the party!). It is moments like these that I think just being there, having fun, helping out and being honest about who we are can really enable us to be Christ’s ambassadors. That truly is worshipping God through our lives. It’s nothing heavy – just fun and friendship. And I know our kids are just going to love it – the thought of memories being created and shared by my family and our neighbours is wonderful.

So here’s to this weekend – just looking at what I’m going to be up to is making me tired – but also making me smile! πŸ™‚ Whatever you are doing I hope you enjoy it x

The fickleness of freelance life…

This week is stretching before me as a long, black hole of nothingness, making me feel somewhat fed up and disillusioned. Why? (And yes I know I’m being overdramatic – but that’s how I’m feeling today. Please cut me some slack.) Because only a few weeks ago I was busy – far too busy – writing for various clients, enjoying new opportunities and so so grateful to God for allowing my career to develop in such a way. But the life of a freelancer is rather fickle and here I am with only unpaid work to do for the foreseeable future. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the chance to write for everyone that I do write for, and I know that each piece I do is helping to create my portfolio, and ‘gets my name out there’ (a very strange concept I still struggle with!). But for someone like me, who yes, loves to write, but is also doing it in order to help pay the bills, having weeks with no paid work is really frustrating. And it also immediately raises questions in my mind – ‘am I really good enough?’; ‘have people decided they don’t like my writing?’. I know, in my rational head, that it isn’t down to me when opportunities dry up – more often than not it is due to budgets or the fact that there are so many other writers out there trying to do the same thing. But in my irrational head there can be a torrent of self-doubt that threatens to flood my very soul…

I know, over and above everything, that the opportunities that have come my way have been granted by God. I also know that it is in these leaner times that I have to believe and trust that God has my back – He knows where the next paying job is coming from and He isn’t going to lead me so far just to let me fall flat on my face. I also know I’m not the only freelancer to feel like this. It goes with the territory. Just last night I was with all our neighbours for a Jubilee Street Party planning meeting and one lady was talking about how next week is pay day, just in time for the long weekend. I can’t remember the last time I was paid my wages regularly, so that I knew both the amount that was coming in every month and which day it would appear. That is one of the benefits that you give up when you become freelance. I’m not moaning about that, as I feel that freelance life is perfect for me and my family. However, it can be frustrating when you do a piece of work but then have to wait months to be paid for it. Let’s face it – some clients are really good at paying, and others aren’t. But, again, I need to trust God that He knows what money I still have owed to me – and He knows what my family needs in order to survive. I’m very much a person who likes to be in control, and also likes ‘doing’ – so that I feel I’ve contributed. So perhaps I’ve been called to this fickle freelance life because it constantly changes and, in doing so, knocks the rough edges of self-sufficiency and control freakishness off of me. I don’t like it when I don’t know where the next job will come from; I don’t like it when I don’t know if I’ll be paid for any work this month or not. And yet, I’m still very grateful to be able to do a job that I love, that I believe utilises God-given talents in me. So, I will pick myself up, speak to my soul, and get on and do every piece of work I have this week to the best of my ability…

What a week under par has taught me

This has been a very strange week for me. It all started with my daughter coming down with a very violent sickness bug that has been going round her school. She was up a lot one night being sick, spent the next day very listless but then bounced back. Then my husband and I both went down with it the same night – all night. The next day we were laid out completely, having to call on friends to do our two different school runs. But then he bounced back…and I didn’t. It’s taken me all week to be able to eat a full meal – and I’m still not eating plenty of items as the thought of them makes me feel super sick. I still feel slightly nauseous constantly.

I’ve had to force myself to eat to ensure I’m well enough to look after my kids – and earlier in the week we had the struggle of both kids playing up because our routine was disrupted due to our sickness. Just when we asked them if they could be extra helpful and good they did precisely the opposite – and we both felt too ill to deal with it. To be honest, I’ve been pretty short-fused with them all week. It’s just plain hard work to get on and do all the normal things a parent has to while I feel like this.

But I can also see that this week has done me a lot of good. Just slowing down so I only do the bare necessities has actually made me realise what a lot of rushing about I do – and made me wonder whether I need to do absolutely all of it. I’ve been really challenged recently about the fact that I feel I have my finger in so many pies, how many of them am I actually doing to the best of my ability? And what room is there in my life for those people that really need me to down tools and help them at a moment’s notice?

It has also given me a renewed admiration for people who cope with illness long-term. That is a subject on my heart at the moment, and I’m hoping to write about it soon. How do people who suffer with something day in day out keep their head above water, keep believing and trusting in God’s promises? People like my mum, who struggles with some horrible illnesses and has been suffering from terrible nausea for months and months that no expert seems to be able to get to the bottom of despite countless tests. I was talking on the phone to her after she had been away for a few days with my dad. I was saying how I’d been feeling and what a struggle it had been, and then she told me how she had had to come face to face with her limitations yet again while away. How hard that must be when you are on holiday, as you can’t ever take a holiday from your sickness…

This week has also made me grateful at times. When I first started feeling well enough to eat again I was grateful; when I first felt able to drive again too. When I felt well enough to tidy up a bit I was glad – as the state of the house was getting me down. And the sense of achievement of getting the bits of work done I needed to this week was much more intense than usual – because I’d had to battle through more than normal too. While I did struggle with resentment at times about some of the things I had to carry on and do even though I didn’t feel up to them, it has actually been really nice to hide away and spend most evenings at home on my own or with my husband just doing very little. I think we all need regular periods of time like that – perhaps my next one was so long overdue that God allowed this sickness to really knock me out so that I actually did slow down for a change!

I wonder whether your week has been ‘the same as usual’ or if you can look back and see something you’ve learned afresh. Do you regularly take the time to take stock and think about what your days have been filled with, and what God may have been trying to teach you through your everyday circumstances? I think I look for such things more regularly now that I am writing, but it is certainly a beneficial habit for us all to cultivate…

Let it rain!

Those of us who live in the UK have experienced a deluge of rain this week. It seems bizarre that in our country we have suddenly taken by surprise by the rain but, after such a long time without significant rainfall, it has been a bit of a shock. I’ve found it particularly difficult because my son’s bedroom has a flat roof, which makes the rain seem really noisy and he gets scared and doesn’t sleep well at night. So this week I’ve been getting more and more tired.

This all culminated in me feeling rather miserable yesterday – it seemed that every time I had to go out the rain intensified. Where my son attends pre-school is literally at the end of our road, simply a minute’s walk away, but on our way back the heavens literally opened and we were saturated. Thursday is the afternoon that we are in and out constantly – to playgroup, school pick up, his sister’s ballet lessons etc so I gave up and thought there was no point in changing us after each soaking as we were just going to get drenched again.

Then, as I stomped around in a bad mood, I felt a small tug in my spirit. I knew what it was about as I’d felt it in the biggest downfall I’d been caught in – but now I paid attention. And my heart leapt in agreement with what it was hearing – and I realised I didn’t need the rain to stop – I wanted to shout ‘Let it rain more! Let my soul be saturated!’ It was a sudden realisation that, like our land desperately needs the rain, my spirit needs more of His Spirit. I’m tired, not sleeping well, busy catching up on work after the holiday, preparing to lead worship this Sunday and now also preparing to speak alongside my husband when he preaches. I can’t do any of this in my own strength – God I need a soaking! I need to remain wet day in day out!

I am so grateful for days like yesterday – yes it was hard work but when God breaks in and reminds me (in a highly practical demonstration!) of my need for Him it makes me realise how over-busy and un-reliant on Him I can be. The challenge is not to lose that sense of dependency and to tackle the tasks with Him alongside me, guiding me by His Spirit.

Gender-specific teaching in services?

I had a really interesting chat with someone just over a week ago. I was interviewing Carl Beech for the new website I write for daily – www.christian.co.uk. I had worked with him recently, editing a new set of bible study notes for guys, so I knew a little about him – and that our conversation should make for an interesting article! πŸ˜‰ He was talking about the various elements to our Sunday morning meetings that guys can struggle with (okay there were a fair few generalisations and assumptions made, but that is necessary in such a short space) and I found myself agreeing with most (but not quite all – I am an individual after all!) ;D of what he said. He talked about the language of our worship songs – which fascinates me because I am a worship leader. But the issue that has got me pondering most is the teaching styles within our Sunday morning meetings.

“Most blokes think they are experts in everything. They have an opinion on just about everything and yet are forced to sit through a monologue preach. We can come out with brilliantly biblical teaching but the guys are thinking β€˜what does that mean for me? I’ve got to make someone redundant on Mon – how does it practically relate to me?’

β€œI realise this wouldn’t be possible for every sermon but there is a place for seminars, gender-specific teaching, topical stuff that will get people going – I use these approaches and never fail to create a response.”

Now this is something I have never considered. We have been part of the leadership team of our church since it was a tiny church plant, and have spent a long time discussing and planning our Sunday mornings as we believe they are our shop window as it were – showcasing what we are about and the elements that are most important to us. It would be a really radical step to sometimes split into male and female groups to listen and engage with teaching specific to our gender. I’m not sure we would do it on a Sunday morning, as there are considerations such as what visitors would do (could it make them feel uncomfortable?), what about the people that really hate splitting into gender-specific groups (and believe me they are out there – I used to be one of them!). But to dismiss the idea offhand would be a little foolhardy.

Our church has regular guys breakfasts, during which the men enjoy some hearty grub and the chance to chat just as guys together. And our women have just enjoyed a ladies day in which we had lunch and then one of our own women spoke. It was as I looked around during the two ministry times during that day that I realised how much more open the women were being in this female-only environment. I guess they must have felt more at ease, and better able to share their struggles and emotions in a ‘safe place’ with other women. While we don’t all have the same background (some are married, others single, some have children, others not etc) there is a certain level of shared experience and that did allow us to go deeper than we often do on a Sunday morning.

Whether the Sunday morning meeting is the place for gender-specific teaching and experiences I’m still not sure but I’m certainly still thinking about it ten days on from speaking to Carl! What do you think?

(For a look at the full interview with Carl Beech please click here.)