I am aware that Mother’s Day is difficult for many. It is important that churches celebrate each and every woman who is a part of their church community, so that no one feels left out. We are, after all, each a vital part of our church family.

Today I do want to take time on my blog to reflect on what being a mum is like for me. I adore my kids – yes, they frustrate me intensely at times (just keeping it real!), but they are what gets me up in the morning (on school days that’s to ensure they get up on time – they’ve both hit the teenage years and would rather catch a few extra moments in bed!). While I treasure my kids, pray for and encourage them daily, there are definitely things that have surprised me about being a mum. I thought I would share some of them this Mother’s Day. I didn’t realise:

1. How much my sleep would be affected

We all start out expecting to have broken nights (I always found it frustrating that late pregnancy resulted in a severe lack of sleep – it made more sense to me to be able to store it up, because once a baby arrives letting you sleep is not top of his/her agenda!) However, I never realised that my sleep would go on being affected. We were actually blessed with great sleepers – our first slept through the night by eight weeks (her brother more than made up for that though!). But just because they slept doesn’t mean that I did. I would lie awake in those early years, wondering how they were, praying for them, thinking about the challenges we were going to face the next day.

And then of course the early school years brought so many different bugs and illnesses into our home, causing a big smattering of sleepless nights (I still remember the night before my husband first preached at our church; our daughter had chickenpox and was quite distressed. In order to give him some rest, and to try and settle her, I went to her room and lay down next to her cot, holding her hand – and was still there the next morning.) 

But now we have teenagers, our eldest is always up beyond the time that I would naturally want to go to bed. It is in that quieter time, without her younger sibling, that she often opens up more about what is going on for her. They are super precious moments – ones I don’t want to miss. There are just times when I could do with help keeping my eyelids open!

2. How much I would question my own decisions

People sometimes say that mums have an inbuilt, natural gift of knowing what to do in countless situations. But, while there often is an automatic response that happens in times of crises, for example, I haven’t always found that to be the case. I’ve floundered when trying to decide whether a child needs to stay off school, whether I should be giving them another dose of medicine (thank God I have a level-headed and wise husband to make decisions alongside me!) – and whether I should have gone back to work as quickly as I did (even though I work from home). I have worried I’ve made the wrong decisions, felt guilty if I’ve taken time for myself and lifted up many a prayer to ask that I wouldn’t scar them for life by making the wrong decision.

3. How intense my feelings towards them would be

Now this one took me by surprise. I actually found it hard to bond with my kids initially, as I had problems breastfeeding them, and also experienced postnatal depression. But I’m relieved to say that that difficult period passed fairly quickly and, ever since, I have continued to be overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions I feel for them. 

In recent years I have had to fight hard for support for one of them, and have surprised myself at how readily my ‘big mama bear’ (as we call her) comes to the fore. I am naturally a shy, fairly quiet person but woe to anyone who doesn’t show them the care or consideration that any human being deserves. I never fully appreciated the depth of love – and pain – I would feel. There are times when I long to be able to take the difficulties they are walking through upon myself instead. In other moments, I am totally overwhelmed by joy simply watching them make each other laugh. 

Looking back, motherhood has certainly been a rollercoaster ride. While the journey has included a lot of pain and lament recently, I am so grateful to God for my precious children.