I am delighted to welcome Ruth Leigh to my blog today, to talk about the sandwich generation on the publication day of her latest Issy Smugge book: The Continued Times of Isabella M Smugge. (For Ruth’s previous guest blogs click here and here.)
Google the phrase ‘sandwich generation’ and a fairly dispiriting set of definitions comes up. Under the headline, ‘Sandwich generation moms feeling the squeeze’, the American Psychological Association has this to say:
Mothers caring for both children and aging parents often feel overextended…the ‘sandwich generation,’ ages 35-54, feel more stress than any other age group as they balance the demanding, delicate acts of caring for growing children and their aging parents. Nearly 40 percent of those aged 35-54 report extreme levels of stress (compared to 29 percent of 18-34 years old and 25 percent of those older than 55). This stress takes a toll not only on personal relationships—83 percent say relationships with their spouse, children, and family is the top source of their stress—but also on their own well-being as they struggle to take better care of themselves.
The phrase was first used in the early 1980s as the baby boom generation began to retire, life expectancy increased and people were leaving it till later to start their families. These days, it’s a fully-fledged demographic, and even starry Instamum Isabella M Smugge, with her full complement of staff and plenty of money, is feeling the squeeze.
Issy’s experiences as part of the sandwich generation
At the end of my second book, The Trials of Isabella M Smugge, our heroine’s mother had a serious stroke. Poor Isabella had already had a rough year, what with an unplanned fourth baby, losing her right-hand woman and devoted au pair Sofija and becoming a single parent. She and her mother had always had a fractious relationship, but in spite of that, she didn’t hesitate when offering her a home at her gracious abode the Old Rectory. At the end of “Trials”, Mummy was ensconced in the best bedroom and her daughter was bracing herself for a challenging future.
The new book, The Continued Times of Isabella M Smugge, opens with Isabella struggling with her new daily routine. Not only is she being kept up at night by a teething baby, but also startled into wakefulness by her mother banging on the floor with a stick and demanding round the clock service:
In addition to my actual baby, my mother is behaving like a child. She refuses to use the walking frame I sourced and insists on having her stick by the side of the bed, not to aid mobility, but to attract my attention. I was jerked awake at 5.32 this morning by loud and repeated banging, having only just nodded off from my earlier wake-up call from Milo. Stumbling crossly into her room, I found her scowling at me and requesting more cucumber water. If she wants twenty-four-hour room service, she should check into The Savoy. I may have mentioned this. It didn’t go down well. Using bad language is very wrong and unladylike, but sometimes it must be done.
As in art, so in life
While writing this book, I found myself becoming the filling in a responsibility sandwich, with three teenagers in various stages of work, relationships and education, a household to run, a marriage to maintain, a burgeoning career to encourage and two very elderly and frail parents in need of increasing care. Unlike Isabella, I don’t have a gardener, housekeeper and manicurist between me and complete meltdown. There were many times when, head in hands, I felt that I was being pulled in a million different directions at once.
There were doctor’s appointments to make, taxis to book and pay for, a weekly shop to do, hospital bookings to chase up, social lives other than my own to organise (oh no, hang on, I haven’t got one of those any more), medication to order, hair, chiropody and massage slots to book plus all the other things I have to do as a busy mother of three. OK, I started my family relatively late (36) but then so did my parents (36 and 40). The combination of a blamelessly healthy lifestyle and great genes (them) and a Type A over-achieving personality, pretty good genes and three lively teenagers (me) was always going to lead to a whole heap of responsibilities.
Using humour to highlight the difficulties
I put in lots of jokes in Continued Times. Mummy is probably only in her late sixties and an unexpected twist of fate finds her recovering from her stroke at top speed. However, there was plenty of scope for writing about the difficulties of multi-generational living, especially when there are lots of unresolved issues in the relationship. Reader reviews so far have mentioned this particular storyline a lot – it seems to resonate.
Isabella’s connection with her community and church is helping her through some very difficult times in this third instalment of her life. Mummy makes an unlikely friend and there are plot threads left hanging for book four. In real life, away from the Smugge-i-verse, there are thousands of exhausted people trying to care for the generation above and below. It’s wearing, often thankless and goes largely unnoticed, but I do hope that by shining a light on it (albeit in a humorous way), it might help a few of my readers through what is undoubtedly a very challenging time of life.
#issysayskeepgoing #ohmummy #tired
Ruth Leigh is a freelance writer, novelist and book reviewer. Married with three children, a cat, one husband and assorted poultry, she is a recovering over-achiever.
The Continued Times of Isabella M Smugge is published today. It can be found online at Waterstones, Eden and Amazon, on Kindle, at Woodbridge Books, Halesworth Bookshop and Dial Lane Books in Ipswich and from Ruth’s website.