Category: Guest posts

He holds our tears in pain

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I know and trust Sarah Walton’s writing, as she has such integrity, living the truth of her words. I’ve also had the honour of her and her husband contributing to our book Grace-Filled Marriage. So I was delighted when she offered an edited extract of her new book, Tears and Tossings. It is longer than my usual posts, but well worth reading through. Sarah lives with chronic illness, as do her children and they have faced many other challenges as a family. Here, she focuses on finding hope within the pain.

I am no stranger to pain. As the years go by and chronic pain is a constant, I long for relief. This body often feels more like my enemy than my ally. Of all the difficulties and trials that I’ve faced, physical pain is often the most relentless and debilitating.

I’ll be the first to admit that physical pain can quickly bring us to the end of ourselves. At first, we may persevere with the hope and confidence that answers and healing are just around the corner, just waiting to resume life as normal. But when they aren’t, and we watch the life, abilities, and enjoyments we once had fade into the distance, disappointment, grief, despair, hopelessness, and bitterness can quickly seep into our veins. The questions are often not far behind: what did I do to deserve this? What purpose is there in a life consumed by pain? Is God punishing me for something? What hope do I have if this is the rest of my life?

There are certainly no simple answers or quick fixes, but over time, I’ve learned that there is hope to be found even in this place.

One true remedy

If you’ve dealt with any form of chronic pain or illness for very long, I’m sure you could share countless experiences of those who have shared dos and don’ts, treatments options, or bullet-proof solutions that healed their Uncle Bob or friend Judy. Although most people have good intentions, without fail those comments always come across as “you just haven’t done enough,” or “if you just do what I did, things will improve.” While we do need to be open and teachable to the wisdom and experiences of others, these solutions are never a guarantee and they always fall short of true comfort. There is only One who knows exactly what we need, when we need it, and how to provide it—God himself.

We can and should seek help when and where possible, but our hope can’t be in a doctor or treatment—because they’re never a guarantee. Our hope can’t be in “better days” ahead of us— because that may or may not come in our lifetime. And our hope can’t be in our own strength, resources, or wisdom—because we’re limited in our understanding and abilities.

But there is a remedy that never fails.

We can bring our pain to the One who created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. And if he created us, certainly he wants what’s best for us.

Clay pots

It helps me to think of it this way: in the Bible, God is described as the Potter and we as the clay. The Bible tells us that God carefully and lovingly creates and shapes each of us into form, with unique looks, talents, personalities, and purposes. Whether we know it or not, we all belong to him, the Potter. But after God created the world and us, we rejected him and rebelled against his good plan for us. Since that day, the cracks of sin, pain, suffering, and weakness have entered our lives. We try to mend those cracks with anything we can find, but the defect still remains. 

I’ve experienced the cracks made by my sinful choices, but I’ve also felt the painful cracks of illness and suffering of various kinds, simply from living in this sinful world. I can try to ignore that the cracks are there, or do what I can to fix them, but the reality is that I’m the pot—I simply can’t fix myself. Instead, I need to humble myself, admit that I’m broken and cracked, and return to God, my Potter, to be restored as he intended me to be.

As painful and frustrating (perhaps even debilitating) as these cracks may be, we are not hopeless because we still have access to the One who created us and wants to heal us. That doesn’t mean he will remove the crack of pain in this life, but when we’re restored back to the Potter, he promises full healing will one day come. In the meantime, he also assures us that those cracks won’t be wasted and pointless.

There’s a man in the Bible named Paul, who experienced countless forms of pain. Even after all of his suffering, he confidently wrote, “We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

Centuries ago, people would use clay pots for many daily purposes, but when a pot would break, they wouldn’t throw it away as we might. Strangely enough, they’d use it to hold their most treasured possessions. That way, if thieves broke in, they’d likely ignore the broken and seemingly useless pot, missing the treasure it held inside.

What we see as irreversible weakness and pain, and cracks that render us purposeless, God sees as an opportunity to fill us with his power and strength to shine through those cracks. He gives us not just the privilege of having Jesus’ strength in us, but the treasure of his presence to shine through us to others.

Practical care in our pain

There are days when even though I believe God loves me and will not waste this pain in my life, the pain screams louder. I admit, there have even been days when life felt too bleak to go on.

But in these moments, I’ve also seen how practical and close God is to me. He doesn’t tell me to toughen up and deal with it; he meets me in practical ways that show he cares about my pain—giving me what I need to endure it.

There have been seasons when I felt beaten down and discouraged, only to have someone show up at my door, unannounced, with a lavish dinner that made us feel spoiled. At a time when I felt isolated and convinced no one could see my pain, a friend called just to say they were thinking of me and asked if they could visit to see how I was. And there have even been times when I felt crippled by pain, unsure of how I was going to fulfill a commitment, but then was miraculously pain free for the exact amount of time I needed to accomplish it—with the pain returning shortly after. Then again, at other times, I’ve still felt the pain, but somehow had the strength to endure it—a strength that was beyond myself.

There’s no sugarcoating how life-altering chronic pain can be. And we should always use whatever means God gives us to improve our situation. But whether we find physical relief or not, this truth and hope about God’s compassion and provision remains the same.

We may have cracks running through our lives—even some that threaten to break us completely. But these cracks are not meant to destroy us and render us useless. Rather, they are meant to lead us to the One who created us and is the only One who can fully heal, restore, and provide for what we need.

Your painful cracks don’t have to have the last word. Bring them to the Potter. For that’s where you will find healing for eternity, and strength and rest for today.

Tears and Tossings is available now, published by 10ofthose. Sarah’s other books are Hope When it Hurts and Together Through the Storms.

The story behind Burrowed

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I am delighted to welcome Marissa Mortimer back to my blog as part of her tour for her new book Burrowed.

Burrowed is my latest Young Adult (YA) novel, set on the fictional island of Ximiu. I love using island settings – perhaps because it’s limited so it means I don’t have to invent entire continents!

Tackling grief in Burrowed

I had been thinking about grief and how we look at the different people who seem to live forever and how those we love get taken too soon. It’s not always like that, but it can certainly feel like it. Even Asaph, when writing Psalm 73, complains about the way bad people seem to have such smooth lives and even their death is peaceful. Until he saw into God’s sanctuary. As Christians, we comfort ourselves that our friend or relative is now with Jesus, it’s all for the best etc, but deep down we can still question, ‘Why? Why him, why now?’ Of course, this can come with a lot of guilt as well.

Losing people can make the light leave your world for a while. So while thinking of this theme and the prospect of writing a YA novel, I found the picture that is now the cover of Burrowed and it spoke to me. Life might feel grey and stormy, but there are still so many blessings around us, so many light moments and beautiful blessings, touches straight from God’s heart, and it’s easy to lose sight of this when grieving. It’s tempting to wallow in our sadness and ignore the beautiful moments or maybe even feel guilty for feeling a moment of joy. Grief is so complex, as it’s not a linear process, so some days can be filled with more bright moments than others.

The sustainability theme

Thinking about the island, I thought about sustainability and how going Green can have implications. I was imagining hidden people wanting the old resources. One way to achieve this was by making the island give up those old resources. What if the hidden people had bad intentions and weren’t satisfied with asphalt? That was an interesting research point as well. Tarmac can’t be reused; asphalt can. I grew up in the Netherlands where we use asphalt, so I have always seen road surfaces being recycled. My editor grew up around tarmac, so wasn’t familiar with this – when I talked about tarmac being reused, we had to look into it and change it to asphalt.

Finding the main character

I don’t normally write books in the past tense, as I’m a bit of a Pantser; I write and plot at the same time, simply allowing the creativity to flow. More recently, I have become a little more of a Plantser, which means I now like to think a little more about items I want to include, verses that come to mind or characters and what they might struggle with. Knowing I wanted a teenage wannabe detective, I decided to make her my main character. Not only that, I was going to impersonate her. A lot of her teenage attitude and ideas were edited out, but I still had a lot of fun writing from her perspective!

Enjoying the various elements in Burrowed

I loved all these different aspects, as it’s what makes writing so interesting. The different story ideas, as well as some dubious characters, made the story grow until it turned into a book. It blessed and helped me too, having to look at my character’s grief and how people supported her. I feel more encouraged to look for and enjoy moments of God’s blessing during difficult days.

Maressa Mortimer is Dutch but lives in the beautiful Cotswolds, England with her husband and four (adopted) children. Her debut novel, Sapphire Beach, was published December 2019, and her first self-published novel, Walled City, came out in 2020, followed by Viking Ferry, a novella. Beyond the Hills, the second book in the Elabi Chronicles, was released in 2021. Burrowed is her latest novel and it is available now.

Maressa is a homeschooling mum as well as a pastor’s wife, so her writing has to be done in the evening when peace and quiet descend on the house once more. She loves writing Christian fiction, as it’s a great way to explore faith in daily life. Her books can be found on her website and you can follow Maressa on both Instagram and Facebook @vicarioush.ome

Home Truths with Lady Grey

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I am thrilled to welcome Katherine Blessan to my blog, as part of her blog tour for her latest book. She explains a little as to how she crafted Home Truths with Lady Grey. First, here is a little taster as to what it is about:

When normally capable, career-minded Jennifer crumbles under a debilitating disease, she struggles with no longer being in control of her life. In the meantime, Mona, a family-oriented mother of Iranian heritage, finds out that her husband is gambling and hiding the truth from her. Can she move beyond betrayal to action?
When Mona goes to work for Jennifer as a carer, Jennifer is initially defensive, but the two soon discover that despite their differences they have so much to learn from one another. Will Mona discover how to balance the conflicting loyalties of family and self? Will Jennifer learn to let others in? And most importantly, will they both survive?

How the idea of Home Truths with Lady Grey came about 

I was walking home from work one day, and the idea of two very different women came into my mind. One of them was physically fit, independent and a little racist (Jennifer). The other was going to be a foil to the first character – from a BAME heritage (which I pinned down eventually as Iranian), and a much warmer, personable character (Mona). The story developed around these two women with all the conflicts and themes emerging over time. 

What the writing process was like

It was a long process that began in 2015 and ended last year. I didn’t write constantly throughout that time. Other writing projects took my focus, for example screenplays and two long ghostwriting projects.

I alternated writing the story between Jennifer’s and Mona’s point of view. Mona was written from the third person limited. Later, I found out that this was the ‘right’ thing to do as Mona is Iranian, thus I couldn’t be accused of what’s known as cultural appropriation. Jennifer’s voice was deliberately written in the first person. I wanted readers to understand her and empathise with her as she goes on this journey from prickly independence into vulnerability. But I knew that she might be more difficult for readers to warm to than Mona. However, the more I wrote from her perspective, the more I enjoyed her and actually found her easier to ‘spend time with’ than the more likable Mona!

My first draft was very much Mona and Jennifer’s two separate stories. They didn’t really meet until the end of the novel. My most astute beta readers [people who read through a first draft and give feedback] told me that this wasn’t working. I had to figure out a way to weave the two stories together more effectively. I did that by inserting little vignettes of Mona and Jennifer’s time together throughout the novel in a way that linked to the themes of each chapter.

The reader’s experience

Because reading a novel is a such a personal experience, every reader will take away slightly different things. But I do hope that readers will take away something of the frailty of the human condition, and be reminded of the importance of gratitude, friendship and openness. As a Christian, I also hope that the readers will take away something of the power of God to break addiction, which can be seen through Mona’s husband James’ story.

Katherine lives in Sheffield and is married to Blessan, from Kerala, India. As well as writing stories that touch on social issues and explore the space where cultures cross, Katherine is a social entrepreneur and English tutor.

Previously, she lived and worked in Cambodia, a rich experience she draws on in her writing. She set a previous novel, Lydia’s Song, in Cambodia – it was a category finalist in the Indie Book Awards, 2016.

Home Truths with Lady Grey is available from 20 April, but can be pre-ordered on Katherine’s website.

A relationship of intimacy

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I welcome Julia Stevens to my blog, as part of her blog tour on the release of her book Like Him. Here she speaks to us about the relationship of intimacy we can have with Jesus, and how it impacts our other relationships too.

‘Read The Passion Translation of the Song of Solomon!’ my friend exclaimed, ‘I love it!’ We were at a Christian conference and I ordered my now much-thumbed slim copy as soon as I got home. The words of the ‘Song of all Songs’ are powerful and continue to fill my hungry heart full of the passionate words of Jesus my bridegroom. He is always with me, like no other. 

Words of intimacy

I have a good husband and lovely friends and family; however, my heart is deep and it has lacked kind and powerful words of affirmation at times. My heart craves the righteous loving words of God – his words hit the mark and fill my heart full, because he knows me better than anybody. Every heart needs these words of intimacy, and of affirmation also. Words such as: ‘I see your inner strength, so stately and strong’ (Song of Songs 4:4) and ‘Your inward life is now sprouting, bringing forth fruit’ (Song of Songs 4:13). When you hear those type of words doesn’t it cause you to want to rise up? To act like the words uttered, even though you may not feel the inner strength, because: ‘faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen’ (Hebrews 11:1, RSV). 

Exercising faith

Faith is the opposite of fear and love. Faith is of utmost importance in the relationship between you and Jesus and truly taking on board his words of love to your heart. You can receive them through believing the words, meditating and slowly chewing on them, taking time to digest them. I know that my own heart is built up by his loving words and so I respond by asking him to: ‘Come walk with me as you walked with Adam in your paradise garden’ (Song 4:16). The bride of Christ can’t help but sing to the Lord her bridegroom, and Jesus loves to hear wonderful words from your lips.   

Our ultimate partner

Jesus is presented to us in the Song of Songs as our bridegroom king, speaking sweet and strong words of affirmation to his bride. If we speak and listen to our ‘husband of all husbands’ more and learn to rely on him, perhaps our partners would benefit from a more whole and loving wife or husband.

Those who are not in relationship with a spouse or partner can fully rely on God. This is possible even in deep terms; hence the Song of Solomon love poem is part of the whole of scripture. Jesus is your main stay and solid rock and can be your spiritual ‘lover’ and friend, whatever your earthly relationships status.

Generally, we tend to look to partners to provide for us physically and emotionally as well as spiritually. When I was a teenager, I had a broken heart and in the middle of the night, I cried out to God (though quietly into my pillow): ‘You are not able to hug me Lord!’ The next moment my mum, like a messenger of God himself, came into my room and gave me such a warm embrace of love. She had not ever done this before, and hasn’t done it since. But, through that experience, I now know that the Lord can embrace you and me directly through each other. We are often the answers to another’s prayer concerning the love of God.  

Impacting all our relationships

Our earthly partners, friends and family are not perfect, though. Do we rely on and expect too much of our earthly partners, parents and peers at times? We can forget that, spiritually speaking, God our Father has provided us with a ‘husband of all husbands’ to go to, not only to make up any lack but primarily for us to have a relationship of intimacy with our saviour and maker. 

Our ‘husband of all husbands’ can provide everything we need, and he loves also to see the outworking of his love through his own creation: ie in us as human wives and husbands, friends, parents etc. The more we can rely on Jesus as our husband, the more whole our relationships on earth will be.

Julia Stevens has a degree in creative writing, runs a small business with her husband, has two grown children and is part of her local church family. Her book Like Him is full of inspiration, prayers, poems, encouragement and spiritual experiences to help you seek his kingdom first. Find out more about it, and buy it, here.

Jesus’ humanness

Photo by Hussein Altameemi from Pexels

I am delighted to welcome Jo Acharya to my blog today, as part of the blog tour for her devotional book Refresh: a wellness devotional for the whole Christian life (Do check out the details at the end for your chance to win a copy!) Here, she invites us to take time to consider Jesus’ humanness and what impact it can have on our lives today. 

She moves lightly around the small room. The baby she holds against her shoulder is whimpering, and she talks to him in a lyrical voice as she pats his back. Eventually the child lets out a small burp, and she brings him round to face her. She smiles, cradling his head in one hand while she wipes the milky mixture from his tiny mouth with the other. And then she kisses his forehead and begins to sing, a version of the song that first flowed from her lips in the early days of her pregnancy: “My soul magnifies the Lord…”

Imagining Jesus’ everyday life

We could imagine many more vignettes like this. Perhaps Jesus’ legs repeatedly giving way when he first tries to stand as a toddler, or mispronouncing difficult letters in his early words. Perhaps Joseph teaching him to cut straight pieces of wood with a saw or Mary showing him how to knead bread. We might picture Jesus diligently memorising passages of scripture as a boy, or laughing and eating with his friends as an adult.

In a way these scenes are easy to imagine because we’ve seen them a hundred times. This is the everyday stuff of human life. But thinking of Jesus this way can be mind-blowing. That God himself chose to enter fully into this human life, even confining himself to a physical human body, is one of the greatest mysteries of the Christian faith. That he came to us as a helpless newborn baby, totally reliant on an inexperienced young woman to keep him alive and clean and well-fed, is even more remarkable.

When the ordinary becomes sacred

One of the central themes in my devotional is that when we invite God into the everyday stuff of our lives, ordinary things become sacred; from our relationships and emotions right down to our very bodies. In Refresh I look at the complex relationships we all have with our bodies, and how Jesus’ unpolished humanness gives extraordinary dignity and worth to our own.

After all, our whole lives are lived in and through our bodies. Like Jesus, we are all physical beings in a physical world, and we can’t do a thing without using some part of our physical form. God created us this way, and he called his creation good. Despite the sin, the sickness, the damage we have sustained in this fallen world, to be human is still a precious and miraculous thing.

What Jesus’ humanness means for us

I sometimes wonder when Jesus knew he was different. Was there a lightbulb moment, or was the knowledge of his identity always there, gradually coming into focus as his self-awareness developed? And then I think of his parents. How do you mother the Messiah? I imagine this simple couple, the carpenter and his wife, simply doing what all good parents do. Loving their children, passing on values and traditions, making mistakes, giving their best.

Jesus’ human life was a real human life. It wasn’t a pretence – he wasn’t an actor playing a role. He didn’t resent his humanity, he embraced it. Even after his resurrection, his glorified body was a glorified human body. This matters. It matters because being human is good, and we need to know that God is glad to share in our humanity with us. It matters because being human in a fallen world is hard, and we need to know that Jesus has experienced that too. And it matters because being human is a team effort. We can’t do it alone, and we don’t have to. You and I have a team-mate in heaven with God, constantly interceding for us. This is what Jesus’ humanity means. The burping baby, the unsteady toddler, the compassionate carpenter. The great King and High Priest who is able to empathise with you and me.

Free copy!

Jo has generously offered to give a copy of her book away to one of my readers (she will send it direct). In order to be in with a chance of winning, do sign up to my newsletter by filling in the form here (I promise not to bombard you – I send a newsletter out around once a term/quarter), or if you’re already signed up just drop a comment below.

Jo Acharya is a writer and music therapist. Her first book, Refresh: a wellness devotional for the whole Christian life is available from all good bookshops. You can read more of Jo’s writing and buy signed copies of Refreshat ValleyOfSprings.com, and you can follow her on social media at Facebook.com/ValleyOfSprings and Instagram.com/ValleyOfSprings.

Behind the sparkle of Isabella M Smugge

I am delighted to welcome Ruth Leigh to my blog, to celebrate the publication of her second novel: The Trials of Isabella M Smugge. I was hooked within a few seconds when reading the first in the series, and this second one hasn’t disappointed. It is funny, heartwarming, honest, and doesn’t shy away from the difficulties life can throw at us. Here, Ruth lifts the lid on what life is like for her as a fiction writer and mum.

When I first invented my ludicrously successful ‘Instamum’ star, Isabella M Smugge, she was simply a comic device, a woman who couldn’t have been more different to me. I reside in a draughty semi-detached Victorian house, heated by an ancient Rayburn. This means lots of cobwebs and grime, although there are charming original features (windows that let in the wind, nice red tiles in the dining room, smoke-blackened fireplace). Isabella dwells in a Grade II listed Georgian house, clean and sparkling as you like (because someone else is paid to do it), heated via oil I would imagine and with more reception rooms than you can shake a stick at. 

My garden is very on-trend. I thought you might like to know that. It’s rewilded. So now! (As in it’s full of weeds, the hedge needs trimming, the bushes need cutting back and there are plants growing where no plant should be.) Isabella’s acreage is a delightful panorama of velvety green lawn, charming flowerbeds and a Victorian greenhouse full of produce. Oh, and she likes to have her coffee in the reclaimed Edwardian gazebo by the pond. 

The reality of this writer’s life

Even though I know perfectly well that success is 10 per cent inspiration and 90 per cent perspiration, before I was one, I thought that fiction writers were a different breed, ethereal, other-worldly, inhabiting a more gracious, beautiful universe.

If you are a fiction writer and this is your reality, do let me know. Feel free to share your secrets. Because I could really do with knowing. Let me open a little window into the insanity that is the Leigh household first thing in the morning. 

Unusually yesterday morning, all three children were in residence and required driving to various places of education. My normal routine is to fall out of bed, wander about a bit drinking tea and making packed lunches then drive the 13- and 15-year-old to school. Yesterday, the 18-year-old, slightly fragile after a night in the public house with a friend was part of the matrix. 

It was School Sponsored Walk Day. Standing in front of the mirror in the downstairs loo applying make-up ahead of Lovely Jason’s visit (it was book launch day and he shot a short video), I was joined by said children. One was dressed as a frog, complete with hat, the other was brandishing a large rubber horse’s head. As I tried to put on eyeliner in a straight line, my daughter stood behind my right shoulder, gurning at me in the mirror and flicking her tongue in and out while making frog noises (I suspect mimicking catching a fly) while my son nibbled at my elbow with the horse teeth. 

This would never happen to Isabella M Smugge.

“Can I just mention that your mother, the author, has a big day today,” I quavered, rubbing concealer on to my huge eye bags. “My new book is launched! It’s in the shops and everything.”

Neither of them seemed that bothered. “Well done you!” my son said kindly, patting me on the shoulder from a great height (he’s 6 foot 1”). Scrambling into the car to do the double run (high school in Woodbridge followed by college in Ipswich), we bounced off down the flooded lane, muddy water running off the fields and optimistic white clouds scudding across the rain-washed blue sky. I began to wonder what I would write about for the second half of this blog. Five minutes later, it had written itself.

Hands-on parenting

For years and years, no car journey was complete without at least one mild row or wrangle. Today, hearing their voices rise and fall in good-natured abuse, I smiled to myself. Once upon a time, the exhausted mother of three little children, I yearned to have peace and quiet, to be able to go to the loo alone, to drink a cup of tea that was somewhere between boiling and tepid. 

Now I can, but it’s the end of one season and the beginning of the next. They can still dish it out though.

Son #2: “Who were you talking to outside last night? I could hear you going on and on in my room! Do you know what time it was? [Impression of growly voice].”

Son #1: “I was talking to Evie! She wanted to know I’d got back all right. And what about you? All I could hear the other night was [second impression of growly voice].”

Son #2: “I was talking to Shay! We were saying goodnight! And anyway, what about Katie, FaceTiming her friends?”

Son #1 and Son#2: “Ooh, hello, how are you, giggle giggle, make-up, Netflix [impression of teenage girls].

Daughter: “Shut up! I haven’t talked to them at night for AGES! And I don’t talk like that.”

Son #1: “Ooh ooh!”

Me: “That sounds like that bit in Feelgood Inc by Gorillaz.”

Son #1: “So it does! Ooh ooh!”

Me: “Ooh ooh!”

And so it went on, everyone smiling and a general air of bonhomie in the car.

I dropped off the frog and the horse and continued to Ipswich. Thanks kids. The chaos, the rowing, the lost hoodie, the last-minute packed lunch – all grist to the mill. My heroine is new to the crazy world of actually parenting your children yourself, but she’s learning fast. 

My house is messy and dusty, my garden is wild. But heck, authenticity is what it’s all about and here’s my truth. Behind the sparkle lies inspiration, exhaustion, innovation and a bit more exhaustion. 

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Ruth Leigh is a novelist and freelance writer based in beautiful rural Suffolk where she lives with three children,one husband, a kitten and assorted poultry. She is a book reviewer for Reading Between the Lines and loves nothing more than losing herself in a good book. You can find out more about her and the world of Isabella M Smugge at ruthleighwrites

Working hard for our ‘happily ever after’

I am delighted to welcome Fiona Banes from Time for Marriage to my blog continuing our series based on seeing God’s grace in marriages. Here she describes how her and husband Andy were going through the motions, despondent that ‘happily ever after’ wasn’t happening, when a marriage enrichment weekend literally changes their lives.

As a teenager I was obsessed with romance. I was desperate to fall in love and live happily ever after. I didn’t date many guys and, when I did, I quickly knew that they weren’t ‘the one’…until I met Andy. He was funny, handsome, engaging and I could talk to him about anything. As we dated, we quickly became best friends and within weeks were talking of marriage and spending the rest of our lives together…happily ever after.

THE BUBBLE BURST

Within 18 months we were married and within six months of that, the shock started to settle in that actually this might not be ‘happily ever after’. It probably wasn’t going to be eternal romance and him sweeping me off my feet. We were surprised to discover that as well as our similarities, we also had differences and things we simply didn’t agree on. 

I’m a bit messy and Andy is tidy so when, six months into our marriage, I still hadn’t unpacked the boxes that I’d moved into his home, a source of tension crept in that has been something we’ve had to work on throughout our married lives. 

There have been other things too: I wear my heart on my sleeve whereas Andy was more private (he’s learned to be more open!). So, I began to tell people that I wasn’t very much enjoying married life, much to Andy’s embarrassment, and occasionally I told people I wasn’t sure I’d married the right guy! We had absolutely no idea how to do marriage.

BEING INTENTIONAL

Things settled down for a while and then we had kids. They came 18 months apart, crying, not sleeping, on the go all the time, just after we’d moved away from our hometown and support network, and Andy had just set up his own business. I hit postnatal depression and we quickly settled into a kind of sibling relationship where we argued over who had looked after the kids longest and barely tolerated each other. The shattered dreams of ‘happily ever after’ turned into wanting out of a marriage that was making each of us miserable. So, we had a conversation about separating. However, we knew that neither of us would cope with the kids on our own, so we decided to stay together. 

The intentionality of that decision made us realise that we needed to start to put more effort into our relationship. Slowly things improved and we were surprised to find ourselves celebrating ten years of marriage – an ‘OK’ marriage. So, I thought it would be great to go on a marriage enrichment weekend and learn some skills to enhance our marriage. Andy thought it would be WAY more fun to go to the Caribbean!  Fortunately, we got to do both.  

A CHANGE OF DIRECTION

The marriage enrichment weekend not only transformed our marriage but, in the long run, changed our lives. The weekend was soaked in the Holy Spirit and during each session, we were encouraged to ask ourselves what’s God’s plan for us was. We remembered what we loved about each other and dreamed a vision for what our relationship could be like in the future. Not an idealistic, unrealistic dream, but a commitment to making our relationship the best it could be. 

We came away with a deep connection on a solid foundation that would protect our marriage and see us through years to come. Friends and family were blown away by the difference in us and went on marriage weekends to see what it would do for their own marriages. Eventually we got involved and took over leadership of the marriage organisation running the weekends, which is now called Time for Marriage.

LESSONS LEARNED

Naturally, since our marriage was magically transformed, everything has been a breeze. I joke, obviously. We have had, and continue to have, seasons of challenge in our marriage. We are growing, evolving and changing humans and must adapt to each other’s changes. The foundation of commitment and the tools we have learned have made us do the work to ensure each other and our marriage flourishes. Marriage is HARD work, but it is also an incredible gift to live life with your best friend by your side.

Some things we’ve learned along the way:

Communication is key When we listen and try to understand (with an objective of really ‘getting into each other’s shoes’), we can meet each other’s needs and move forward. 

Fun Often when we don’t feel great about life, it’s because we’ve lost a sense of fun. Maybe we need to schedule some date time into our diaries. For us, having fun brings about a sense of connection and it can be as simple as a cheeky G&T on the sofa in our kitchen on a weeknight.

Forgiveness is vital On our marriage weekend, we were able to forgive each other all the past grudges we had held that had built up over the ten years. We also got into a habit of forgiving each other quickly after that. This has helped us move forward quickly when we fall out…because we do fall out – that’s married life for you.

Kindness is the ultimate way of showing love to each other I realised several years ago that I’m not always very kind to Andy. It was a real revelation thath I’ve been working on ever since. Two years ago, Andy experienced bereavement and the pursuit of kindness meant that I was able to support him in a way that made him feel profoundly loved during that season.

Accept that change is here to stay We are evolving humans. Life is messy. If we can accept that change will happen then we can become more resilient towards dealing with difficulties when they hit us. Fortunately, seasons come and go, so it’s unlikely each current situation will stay forever.

Fiona Banes is Executive Director of Time for Marriage alongside husband Andy. They’ve been married 28 years and have two grown up children and a grandson. Time for Marriage runs marriage enrichment weekends across the UK and overseas and also online. These weekends are an opportunity for couples to discover God’s plan for their marriage. They are also SYMBIS practitioners.

Building a world

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I am delighted to welcome Maressa Mortimer to my blog as part of her blog tour for her latest book Beyond the Hills, the second in her fictional series the Elabi Chronicles, which is publishing on 18 June. Here she explains the journey of building the world and its characters.

When you’re new to writing, everything is exciting. I started with a diary-style story based on a game. It was so much fun, I decided to write a book. It needed a lot of work, but as it was November, I learned about a new thing, NaNoWriMo. While my NaNo-project (Sapphire Beach) was being edited, I looked around and learned about ‘World Building’. Listening to a podcast, I dutifully took all the steps, thinking about food, terrain, culture and language. I decided to use Latin words, and turn them into names. That is how the city-state of Elabi was born. 

HOW THE IDEAS FORMED

When I was writing the first book in the series, Walled City, I was intrigued by one of the minor characters, a very unpleasant girl named Macia. She had a tragic backstory, and I kept wondering about her. Would she ever be influenced by the others? Walled City almost done, it was at an Association of Christian Writers Day that I crafted a scene for the next story set in Elabi. That happened through a writing exercise based on Colossians 1. Someone was trying to escape Elabi! I didn’t know who or why, only that the person was petrified, trying to buoy themselves up with that passage. Would it work? And whereabouts were they trying to run away from? 

November arrived again, and I knew I would be writing Macia’s story and it would be about the power of the Word of God, as there was nobody to speak to her about God. So I took a deep breath, typed Chapter 1, and remembered how, in Walled City, tiny portions of the Forbidden Book had been in circulation. Would it be enough to touch Macia? 

LOOKING AHEAD

I loved writing Beyond the Hills. It’s different from Walled City; a little slower, I suppose. Macia’s family was…interesting. I learned about paddleboarding, and now I want to try it, although I’m not anywhere near as fit and athletic as Macia. I love learning through my characters, and I’m looking forward to writing book three, which will deal with the area called Downstream. I’m plotting characters and writing notes already, but it will probably be my next NaNoWriMo project. 

My main aim in writing is to explore faith and Christian living, and it’s been wonderful to use World Building for this, as it allows you a lot more freedom to do so, I feel. Although Elabi, with its rules against beliefs and emotion, wouldn’t be my preferred holiday destination, the place has blessed me in many ways, and I hope others will enjoy these books.

Maressa Mortimer is Dutch but lives in the beautiful Cotswolds, England with her husband and four (adopted) children. Her debut novel, Sapphire Beach, was published December 2019, and her first self-published novel, Walled City, came out on 5 December 2020, followed by Viking Ferry, a novella. Beyond the Hills is the second book in the Elabi Chronicles, and will be released on 18 June 2021.

Maressa is a homeschooling mum as well as a pastor’s wife, so her writing has to be done in the evening when peace and quiet descend on the house once more. She loves writing Christian fiction, as it’s a great way to explore faith in daily life. Her books can be found on her website and you can follow Maressa on both Instagram and Facebook @vicarioush.ome

You can’t be each other’s heroes

I am so thrilled to welcome Lizzie Lowrie to our new series of blogs on marriage, which we started to celebrate the launch of Grace-Filled Marriage in order to continue the conversations about those aspects of marriage that don’t often get talked about. Lizzie and her husband have learned, through great personal loss and deep pain, that accepting you are not enough for one another will help to save your marriage when it hits difficulties. Here she shares some of their story, but do check out the details of her book Salt Water & Honey in the bio below.

We all build our understanding of life and faith and relationships around the world we’ve experienced and the story we’re living. Life feels safe in those boundaries, marriage feels safe in those boundaries. That is, until at some point, and Jesus promises this, we hit a season of pain, a dark night of the soul, a loss, a betrayal or a diagnosis and suddenly everything looks different and we’re completely and utterly lost. 

I remember the moment it happened to me. I was alone on a train when the world I knew and trusted began to fall apart. My husband Dave, scooped me up at the station and drove me to the hospital where the doctor confirmed my miscarriage. We drove home in silence, ate cheese on toast and went back to work the next day. We were disorientated but hopeful until I had another miscarriage, and another, and another…and two more after that. Six unexplained losses and life and faith had become unintelligible. 

DEALING WITH THE DISORIENTATION

Mingled in amongst our disappointment with God and the isolation of a grief that keeps on giving, there also emerged this deep feeling of shame; that somehow we should know what to do. But here’s the thing; no one knows what to do when you’re thrown into a season of struggle. I think that’s why it’s so painful, because you’re left without a plan and no matter how hard you try your heart won’t heal as quickly as you want it to. But rather than confess we weren’t coping, we faked our way into playing the roles we thought were expected of us and the roles we thought the other needed. Dave fulfilled the role of the strong man and he was great at it. Driving me to hospital, holding my hand and staying calm while I focused on doing everything in my power to become a mother. 

NOT ENOUGH

We lost our fourth, fifth and sixth pregnancies while we were living in Cambridge, where Dave was training to be a vicar. Outside of the grief of our losses he was loving the opportunity to study and explore his calling and I wanted to celebrate this with him, but I couldn’t. With every loss, I was being dragged further and further away from the life I longed for. I became increasingly bitter with disappointment as the idol of motherhood consumed more and more of my heart. Meanwhile, Dave worked harder and harder to make up for the huge aching gaps left in our hearts and our home. But no matter how hard he tried to make our life better, he couldn’t. You see, there’s something we both learned in the dark pit of grief; that we weren’t enough for each other. Not only that, we were never meant to be enough for each other. Dave couldn’t heal me just as much as I couldn’t heal him. We needed to stop trying to fix each other, and had to ask for help. Rather than keep hiding and faking it we had to let ourselves be found.

FINDING COMMUNITY

From the Garden of Eden we’ve inherited this tendency to hide when life doesn’t go to plan because we believe the struggle we’re wrestling with declares us inadequate. Rather than acknowledge the impact this fallen and imperfect world has had on our lives and our hearts, we give in to shame. There is so much shame around miscarriage, infertility and childlessness. No matter how much Dave and I loved each other, or how much we prayed, we could not have a child. I could not fulfil a role that our world, and so often our churches, exalts as a definition of what it is to be a woman. Our lives failed to follow in the footsteps of our peers and the longing of our hearts. 

Our search for help was messy, but eventually we found people who had the courage to sit with us in our grief rather than offer clichés. They asked questions instead of pretending they knew what we were going through. They didn’t just drop a meal off and disappear, they remembered our losses one month, six months, a year and many years later. They cried with us, turned up at A&E and attended memorials for our children. They became our community of sufferers. Rather than watch us be changed by our losses, they courageously chose to be changed by our suffering as well. They became advocates for others struggling with miscarriage and infertility. Many of them are church leaders now and they continue to let their experience of walking with us through that season influence the way they serve their communities.

BEING KNOWN

The parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God so as to be loved and healed. It’s only in those instances where our shamed parts are known that they stand a chance of being redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.

Jesus says ‘come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest’ (Matthew 11:28). The moment we are conscious of being vulnerable, we have activated our sense of being alone. But as he did when seeking Adam and Eve, God invites us to live as we were made to live – in relationship, with him and with others, in the state of being known. Dave and I didn’t heal each other, we learnt to talk and listen to each other better, but the healing only began when we realised we couldn’t be each other’s heroes. We needed God and we needed community, for the parts of our lives that are most known by God and others will know the greatest joy in healing as they are known. 

Lizzie is an author, speaker and coffee shop church planter who lives in Liverpool with her vicar-husband Dave and their dog Betsy. She loves talking about the messiness of life and creating safe spaces for people to share their stories. Lizzie writes about miscarriage, infertility, childlessness and faith in her memoir Salt Water & Honey and on www.saltwaterandhoney.org. She is also the co-lead pastor and creative lead of StoryHouse; an independent coffee shop and church she started with her husband and a bunch of friends. 

Faith, love…and cancer

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I am delighted to welcome Kate Nicholas to my blog, who shares openly about the things that have caused pressure on her marriage – and how she and her husband John have navigated them.

All marriages face challenges but what about when that the thing that might divide you is your faith?

I met my wonderful husband John 27 years ago while working in Australia. After suffering a bit of an existential crisis at the age of 29, I had bought a round-the-world ticket and set off on something of a spiritual quest. 

Although I was brought up as Baptist, I was very influenced by my father, a brilliant but eccentric poet, who was bipolar. When he repeatedly threatened to take his own life, I turned to the Church to help me understand how God could love my father but let him suffer so much. When the Church provided no answer, I turned my back on God in anger. God, however, wasn’t willing to let me go. After travelling and studying Buddhism in India and Thailand, I came to the conclusion that a world without Him didn’t make sense – and began my journey back to Christ. 

A PROFOUND CONNECTION

The chances of meeting my husband were a million to one. After a year of travelling in South East Asia I ended up living in a backpacker hostel in Sydney and working with UNICEF Australia. It was a dorm mate who told me about this crazy Australian hippie who for the last 18 months had been cycling solo around Australia and was in Sydney for one night only to get his bike fixed. As it was his birthday, a group of people were going down the Rocks to celebrate and I was invited. 

It was love at first sight. I was a successful PR executive on a break from reality; he was seven years younger, had hair longer than mine and no discernible source of income. We were not an obvious combination but there was a profound connection. The next day he didn’t leave as planned and we have been together ever since. 

When we met we talked a little about faith. The child of Lithuanian refugees, he was brought up in the Catholic church. While he seemed to have a private faith and some deeply held basic beliefs, he no longer attended Mass. However, we recognised that we looked out on the world from a similar place and shared deeply held values about the prioritising of experience over money, and relationships over success. 

FINDING FAITH

After a further year travelling in Australia, India and Thailand we settled back in the UK where I continued to explore my faith, studying scripture and attending an Anglican church. Then in my early 40s, I had a profound ‘born again’ conversion experience; a powerful baptism of the Holy Spirit – and my life changed radically. I became an authorised preacher in the Anglican church, gave up my job as editor-in-chief of a secular current affairs magazine and moved to Christian aid agency World Vision. There, I was exposed to the great diversity of God’s Church, and met the most extraordinary faith-filled individuals in some of the toughest places on the planet. 

But as my own faith deepened, it pained me that my husband wasn’t sharing the experience. At my encouragement he came to some services with me but didn’t feel comfortable. I will never forget one wonderful World Vision event led by Joel Edwards and the Holy Trinity Brompton band. While everyone else threw themselves into arm-waving, Spirit-filled worship, my husband stood stock still in wide-eyed horror. He was definitely a fish out of water.

But when I was being reviewed for further training in the church, John affirmed to interviewers that he had ‘a mustard seed of faith’ and has supported me on every step of my journey. When I debated whether to take the role of Global Communications chief for World Vision International (with all the travel it involved), it was my husband who asked me: ‘What will you think when you look back and realise that you turned down this enormous opportunity that God has given you?’  

FAITHFULNESS

When I was first diagnosed with advanced cancer six years ago, John was amazed at the peace that seemed to descend on me. He commented: ‘I know it didn’t come from you, as you could worry the leg off a table’. He prayed with me before every scan and oncology review and while I was going through treatment volunteered to take our children to church. 

Over the years I have tried to evangelise my husband in various ways. But I have come to realise it is presumptuous of me to assume that he doesn’t have a relationship with God (just because his relationship is different to mine) and that it is sheer arrogance to think that his eternal salvation is somehow down to me. 

If anyone had told John that the footloose traveller that he met all those years ago would give her whole life over to ‘declaring the works of the Lord’ (Psalm 118:17), he might have thought twice about marrying me. But, despite the radical change that Jesus has wrought in my life and the many challenges we have faced, he is still by my side as my faithful and loving partner. That in itself speaks volumes. And my hope is that simply by living out my faith I am witnessing to God’s love. And as Paul says: ‘how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?’ (1 Corinthians 7:14-16).

A PLACE OF ACCEPTANCE

Now after six years in remission, I once again face the challenge of cancer. I still can’t persuade my husband to attend church for himself but he is there for me in every way possible, and I now accept that no matter how close we may be, John’s ‘soul story’ will not be the same as mine. But I trust, and have confidence, that God isn’t willing to let John go either, and that one day that mustard seed will blossom gloriously. 

Kate Nicholas is a Christian author, broadcaster and preacher. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (Authentic) tells the story of her unconventional journey of faith and healing. And her latest book Souls’ Scribe: Connecting Your Story with God’s Narrative (Authentic) helps readers to understand and tell their own ‘soul story’.

You can find out more about Kate’s books, TV shows and course and subscribe to her blog to follow her current journey of faith through cancer.