Many of the thoughts that get me delving more deeply into my brain to ponder an issue occur when I’m doing something mundane. I guess that’s just a reflection of my life as a mum! I was busy dishing up dinner the other night when it suddenly dawned on me that I had probably already prepared, cooked and served up hundreds – if not thousands – of dishes since getting married and that there is no end in sight! We will have been married 18 years in August, our eldest will turn 6 in September, but I will still be clocking up the amount of meals I’ve prepared for us well after the time my husband and I retire! I started to get the hump – started to think about how many jobs a mother – and wife – does that go on behind the scenes, unnoticed. But then something in my spirit stopped me. And I started remembering all the times when my husband had sacrificially given of his time and I’d taken it for granted. And the times when my kids may have done something I’d been trying to teach them to do for ages and they suddenly ‘got it’ – but in my weary state I didn’t seem to praise or encourage them that much. I then started thinking about all the people there are in our church. A church doesn’t function without the help of its members and I wondered how often I’d thanked the welcome team for putting out the chairs faithfully each week for example. And, as I head up the worship team with my husband, I started thinking about all the musicians we are responsible for. How often do I take the time to check how each one of them is? I know I make sure to thank each one that plays alongside me on a particular Sunday, but what about all the other times when I’m not leading – do I still make time to show my appreciation? I know that it would seem forced to thank everyone every week, but I did get stopped in my tracks and just believe it is worth each one of us thinking about this. Do we truly appreciate those people who are around us day by day – the ones that we ‘do life with’? We could all do with some encouragement – why not tell someone how much you appreciate them today?
Category: Help I’m now a pastor’s wife!
Relationship central
On Friday I had the huge privilege of attending Holy Trinity Brompton’s Relationship Central Conference. HTB is where Alpha was born, and those running the conference created the hugely successful Marriage Course and Marriage Preparation Course. On Friday they launched their new Parenting Children and Parenting Teenagers Courses. Both promise to be as helpful as the marriage courses, which are now run in over 100 countries round the world. Just before our pastor went on sabbatical we took time out to go on the Marriage Course at a local church that was running it. It was so helpful to have that opportunity just to pause and take stock. As we are in the process of buying a building for the church now we were excited about the prospect of being able to run such a course there in the future, which is why we went to the conference. Having been, we are now hoping to run the parenting ones too!
As leaders will know, when you are in charge of a church it is difficult to ever find the time to visit other churches, so I was really keen to go to HTB as I’d never had the chance to (even though I used to work in a publishing house just down the road from it 15 years ago). I was blown away by the welcome. The conference was brilliantly organised and executed by many friendly faces all eager to help make the day as accessible and enjoyable as possible. Enticing muffins greeted us as we arrived, and the food just kept coming all day long! I have never been so well fed at a conference! 🙂 My husband recently attended the HTB leadership conference and he commented that, yet again, the church proved that they certainly know how to put on a conference. The highlight was definitely meeting and listening to Nicky and Sila Lee. God has certainly placed a particular gifting in them but it was so refreshing to see them in the flesh and watch them banter with one another. It makes them seem ‘normal’ and helps put across the notion that what they are teaching is attainable – they aren’t super spiritual beings, but just like every one of us. The materials they have put together have been done in such a way to make them as cheap and easy to use as they possibly could – another attention to detail that is going to bless thousands across the world as they start to implement these new courses in their churches.
The leadership conundrum
It is Monday and I am absolutely exhausted. It has been a long week, an even longer weekend and now here I am at the start of a new week feeling like crawling back under the duvet! In fact, to let you into a secret, my daughter has an inset day today so we really didn’t get out from under the duvet very early. My son did come and join us at 5.45, but that’s another matter… The reason for my tiredness? Well there are a mountain of reasons, but there is one I have been mulling over since I woke up. A few days ago I felt like writing a blog on leaders stepping up – getting over our own ‘issues’ as there are so many hurting people out there in the world – and in our churches too. They need us! They need us to be in a place where we can serve them, help them and then equip them to help others too. But there’s the conundrum right there. As a leader how do you know when it is time to stop giving out and take some time out for yourself? To be refreshed? How do you give out when you are on empty? People who look to you, and come to you regularly, don’t think about the fact that you are a human being with your own family, and get tired just like they do. (Well, a lot don’t.) I know that we should only do what we are called to do, but if you are so busy giving out how do you have time to stop and hear what it is that God wants you to do? It is so so vital to have that quiet space to just be, and hear, but I have to be honest I’m struggling with that right now. I know Jesus took himself away and if he did that, how much more do I need to!! But if you are a ‘do’er’ like I am, it takes real discipline. And I care about people, and want to help them when they are hurting. I have to keep telling myself that I can’t really help that well if I’m not in a great place myself. There is always going to be that tension of people needing you but you needing space to recharge. I think we all have to work out for ourselves what works for us – I’m just being very challenged because I think I’ve got it wrong this week!
Bleary-eyed but still serving
We are going through one of those seasons. You know the ones – where one of your children decides that waking up mega-early is fun and they are going to do it constantly, night after night. So you are surviving on at least three hours less sleep than normal.
It’s at times like these that I get tested to the limits. It always seems to come when we are at our busiest. I never quite know whether it is them showing their disdain for the extra work or church commitments we’ve taken on, or God’s wry way of asking us to check if our priorities are still round the right way. Whatever it is, I know I get more irritable, lose my patience more easily and generally feel more down. If I’m honest I can find dealing with the children an extra burden I could do without – and then when I realise that I’m overwhelmed by guilt – sometimes… And it sometimes also hits me what these seasons reveal to me about my character flaws. And I wonder how come they are all still there, when I thought I’d made some headway with some of them…
The worst night of all often happens right before a Sunday meeting – when my husband is obviously facilitating the meeting, I may be playing and singing but whatever else I’m doing I will probably be ministering to a few people. I often think how can I when I feel empty myself – when I’m drained and grumpy? And that’s when I find the miracle I’m so regularly thankful for – God steps in when I’m beyond it. I know others say it too – when you really aren’t in control because you are so tired, it is actually often easier for God to accomplish what He wants to because He doesn’t have to get past your own thoughts and feelings on the matter. That’s not to say I wouldn’t prefer to be serving from a more awake state – just that I’m extremely grateful for what He does when I am struggling to keep my eyes open and my brain focused on what I am supposed to be doing!
A pastor’s wife…
So what does that actually mean exactly?… I keep being told that there is no such thing as a pastor’s wife in the Bible – that there is no definitive role, that I should simply concentrate on being the woman that God called me to be and not worry about, take on or even create imaginary expectations from others about what I should be doing. My response? Well that is all well and good but part of my God-given role is to support my husband and there will no doubt be a change in stress-levels etc for him now. To backtrack a little, he became a full-time associate pastor about a year and a half ago now, but our only other full-time worker, and lead elder of the church, is on sabbatical at the moment. I would say things are going brilliantly, and my husband has really stepped up to the mark. Okay we need to learn to juggle things a little better, so we get some quality time together, but, overall, it’s good. My only concern really is the change in dynamic that could happen at home. Could we get so busy that our children suffer?
Help I’m now a pastor’s wife!
This is the name of a column I had an idea for, and that I’ve been secretly beavering away at during the last few months. I think this blog may well be where I continue to develop the idea…