Tag: being a mum

A typical writing day – for me

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I can’t pretend to have had this idea first, as the great Wendy Jones posted hers earlier today on her site, but I thought I would share an entry of a writing competition – that I didn’t win. It was earlier in the year, when my son wasn’t in full-time school, so it gives more of an insight into that juggling act. Since October there has still been a massive juggling act – it’s just taken a slightly different form!

Anyway, both Wendy and I submitted entries for the Association of Christian Writers’ (ACW) writing competition A Day in the Life of a Writer. Here’s what I sent in, which I think sums up the pressure and panic I can sometimes experience as a writer:

I wake up early, with that pit in my stomach that always happens on writing days. I chew over what I need to get done before the kids get up, and then it is a mad rush to get them off to school. On my return the panic sets in; I always have the overriding sense that I can’t do it – I simply can’t put the words down. The empty page on the screen seems to taunt me until I pray and then force myself to get going. Then I allow the words just to flow; I wait until later to go back and read them. The editing process is a lot easier as I am an editor by trade. Although of course it is harder to change your own work than someone else’s…

Time is a huge constraint. My youngest is at nursery so my most productive hours HAVE to be the few I have free each morning. Sometimes that’s an enormous pressure; at other times it simply forces me to get over my feelings of inadequacy and get on. But not today…today has been particularly hard, and the morning wasted. Because earlier in the week I was approached by a new magazine. I had been recommended to them and they wanted me to write some articles by the end of the week. I had sent the requested examples of work and then waited…and waited. Then today the ‘ping’ of my email informed me a new message was in. And there, staring me in the face, was a rejection. It was beautifully put, full of praise for my writing, but I was, nevertheless, on reflection, ‘not quite right for their publication’. Oh how that stung! More so because I had been approached by them. To me that meant my writing must be even more unlovely for it to change their minds about me!

On days like today the writers’ forums, such as the ACW Facebook page, are invaluable. I posted how I was feeling and the enormous response I got – full of sympathy, empathy but also great wisdom – helped me to determine within myself to get up and get back to work. After all there was only one hour left before I had to do the next school run – and I do have a book to write! Thinking of all the positives, of how I have books, articles, bible study guides all lined up to write for the rest of the year, makes me so grateful and yet…that sting is still there. Okay it has lessened, but now it is a quiet, slow-burning background pang that is still tingeing my day with sadness. I am full of resolve; to make the writing I am doing the best it can be and to rejoice in everything I do have. And yet that uncertainty, that lack of belief in myself, is hovering, waiting to pounce if I give it the chance…

Post for Prodigal…

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While part of me is reluctant to add an entry in today, on Anti-slavery day, that pushes my posting on that subject down a space, I wanted to let you know about a piece I wrote for US online magazine Prodigal. It was published yesterday afternoon and is all about finding the right balance and trying to make space to rest with God. Please click the link here to read it. If any of you fancies leaving a comment I’d really appreciate it! 😉 Thanks Claire x

International Day of the Girl

Yes, today is the UN’s International Day of the Girl. Twitter has been filled with useful links and helpful reminders. It is sobering to read some of the facts organisations such as PlanUK have on their sites:

• 66 million girls are currently denied an education – that’s one in five girls globally.
• 150 million girls under 18 have experienced rape or other forms of sexual violence.
• 140 million women and girls are living with the consequences of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM).
• Pregnancy and childbirth are the leading causes of death for girls aged 15-19 in the world’s poorest countries.

These statistics are horrific and I totally endorse campaigns that fight for the right for girls to get an education. It has been recognised that those who are educated are much more likely to give back to their own communities – see my post on International Women’s Day for more on this.

In all honesty, my first thought today when I remembered it was the Day of the Girl was about my daughter. I am so grateful to God for her. For her tenacity, intelligence, care for others and quick humour. I’m also grateful she is in a good school and surrounded by lovely friends. The problems and difficulties she may face on a daily basis seem to be on such a different level to those girls who have to fight for the right to go to school. I want to remind her of how fortunate she is when she comes home from school, and encourage her to think about some of the ways she may be able to help reach out to others less fortunate than herself.

While I know my daughter’s difficulties are on a different scale to so many millions around the world they are no less real to her. She has had bouts of bullying to deal with, is shy beyond belief at times, lacks self-confidence and is growing up in a society that tells her beauty is SO important. What the latter is doing to her self-esteem I shudder to think and am so conscious that I need to be careful about the messages I give her about being a Christian woman today.

I want my daughter to achieve everything that she wants to – and that God has for her. I want her to experience so much of life – the amazing opportunities she has living so close to London, but also want her to be aware of what other children in other countries have to deal with on a daily basis. I want her to celebrate being a girl – and be as carefree as possible, secure in the knowledge that we, as her parents, have her back. Our country, even our town, is not as safe as it used to be, but I do want our daughter to feel safe. Most of all I want her to know that she is loved.

So on this, the International Day of the Girl, I want to celebrate my daughter. What a wonderful gift she is to me. She stretches my parenting skills to breaking point on many an occasion, dealing with her insecurities often brings mine to the fore and there are moments that are frustrating beyond belief. And yet the love I feel for my child is incredible, and being her mum is an honour way more than I feel I deserve. She is an incredible mix of the good (and bad!) in both me and my husband – and she is the future. Her and other girls her age. We MUST invest our time, talents and energy in ensuring girls reach their full potential – wherever they are in the world. For me, on a day-to-day basis, that means pouring my life out for my daughter. I can’t wait to see what am amazing woman she turns out to be 🙂

Taking a break

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It seems a little ironic that I’m talking about taking a break from posting here. My blog entries have been sporadic at best over the last year. I’ve found juggling my increasing workload alongside my son (who has only been in nursery a few hours each morning) rather difficult at times, and it has meant that anything other than the bare essentials has had to take a back seat. But I’m hoping to get back to regular posts from September/October time, when I will also have more time to expand my work and church commitments further.

I’ve got mixed feelings as we approach the autumn. I’ve spent many moments looking forward to it, feeling it will ease a lot of my stress. But I am sure that the new season will bring stresses of its own. And it is also beginning to dawn on me that I will no longer have pre-school age children. While I may be relieved in some senses (I had a reminder this Sunday of what it is like to juggle church and a baby as I was looking after a friend’s baby during the service), I also have a little pang of how quickly they grow up (I NEVER thought I’d be one to say that!) I have been very intentional about not taking on much work for the summer, as I want to enjoy focusing on my kids for this, the last summer before my youngest starts full-time school. If I’m honest, so far it has been a bit of a struggle. The kids are very emotional, and my son seems incapable of playing on his own with his toys for longer than two minutes (so there is a constant ‘what can I do’ going on in the background). But we will be taking them abroad for the first time soon and I am hoping (and praying vehemently!) that getting away from it all, and having a break abroad, will be great for us all. As a couple that is so busy with church activities we need this time to hide away and focus on our family before the next term’s changes. Not only is our son starting full-time school, but we will have a building project to plan and undertake as our offer has finally been accepted on the building our church has been trying to purchase for two years! With only my husband working full time for the church it is obvious that the coming months are going to be intense, to put it lightly.

I think what we need most of all in this time away is rest. Fun and rest without distraction and pressing needs. Rest that allows us time to draw near to God to hear his voice directing our paths in the coming days. There are so many big decisions coming up we need to hide away and hear him as all wisdom and knowledge is found in him. That’s what I’m hoping for most during this break time. As well as enjoying time with my family – that part certainly won’t be quiet! 😉

Almost there now… 40

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At the end of this week I finally reach that big milestone – turning 40. I have to say earlier in the year it caused me to think a great deal about goals, where I’ve got to and where I expected to be – as well as courting some unhealthy comparisons with those around me. But, now it is almost upon me, I’m not so phased by it. So many others I know and admire have turned 40 this year, and embraced it fully. After all, it is but a number. Having said that, I can now see 50 within my reach – and that seems terrifying! 😉 But I’m not planning any fanfare celebrations. Just quietly turning a year older. And hopefully wiser…

This week has too many other focuses for me. The first time my daughter will be going to Brownie camp (that’s what I’ll be doing on my birthday – driving her there!). It’s been an emotional roller coaster to get this point so I know I’ll be doing a lot of praying, and missing her, over the weekend. My son has also been given his class for full-time school in September. He’s been split up from his best friend. So that’s another emotional milestone I’ve been dealing with. So 40 doesn’t seem so important anymore. It’s all about perspective. But, I’ve decided I must do something on here to mark the fact that I’m turning 40. So I’m going to spend a bit of time ‘googling’ my mind on the subject (for an explanation of what this is, please see my earlier post on the Association of Christian Writer’s 40th anniversary day here). Hopefully some of it will strike a chord with you. Here goes:

40 is the new 30!
Not so bad – not looking forward to 50 though!
I can’t believe I’m here already, it only seems like yesterday that I turned 30… But wow, a lot has happened in the last 10 years. Would never have thought my husband would be running a church for starters! We were barely hanging on by a thread then – it’s amazing to think about God’s faithfulness to us.
Reaching 40 and 20 years married. Wow I actually have been around quite a while now.
Shouldn’t I be wiser by now? More confident?
What do my kids think when they look at me? Am I the sort of mum they can be proud of?
I’m not sure I’m anywhere near where I expected to be at this point in my life.
Why haven’t I achieved as much as some of the others who’ve turned 40 this year?
I wish I’d celebrated being younger, fitter and slimmer rather than hiding away in my shy little shell.
Comparing myself to my younger friends is hugely dangerous.
Will I ever get back to that smaller dress size, or is this it now? Weight is so much harder to lose these days.
I should be happy in my skin by now. An extra bit of weight isn’t all that bad – I’m still well within the healthy range for my height.
I want to enjoy life – and that includes all the yummy food that is out there. Is weight so important? Why do I put so much emphasis on how I feel about my body? What is that teaching my daughter?
I should have been a better wife – I wasted a lot of time struggling with my situation rather than being grateful.
I wish I had cultivated the art of being thankful a lot earlier.
I have a lot of dreams I’m still working on, but God has also taken me to so many places I never expected. I’ve been stretched and used in ways I never thought I would – He has been amazingly kind to me.
I want to help release others into their giftings, celebrating them rather than feeling threatened. I hope my character and personal hang ups don’t get in the way of other people.

All I can say is God has blessed me, and kept me, through many happy moments and huge trials too. I’m hugely grateful for my life. Just walking along to the library after school today with my kids and husband I felt an overwhelming sense of God’s grace. I can’t believe I get to partner in this life with such a great guy, and have the privilege of bringing up such wonderful kids. What’s 40 to me? A chance to reflect, perhaps re-focus, but, more than that, remember to be grateful. It’s too easy, in the busy-ness of life, to forget to do that…

Inspiring mothers

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Today, as you are all fully aware, is Mother’s Day. It was wonderful to help the kids at church give out flowers to each of the mums there. And also great to see how many people have posted messages online honouring their mums. To those of us who are mothers it can be a real inspiration – but also hugely sobering. I long to be someone my kids look up to; aspire to be like. It has been so special to receive the hugs and declarations of love today – but I want to be someone that my kids are proud to have as their mum each and every day. I am intensely aware that sometimes I really don’t make the grade.

My daughter decided to paint a portrait of me today and it was interesting to see how she viewed me – I especially liked the splodges of purple and pink paint she put all around my head. Somehow it seemed to make me look funky, more ‘with it’ and fun than I probably am!

Today I also preached in church for the first time. It was terrifying – far harder than leading worship. It was humbling to see how God used it – the words that came during the worship tied in with what I spoke about, which was hugely encouraging for me as I prepared to speak. I was worried it was too simple a message, but it seemed to touch many and I had the privilege of praying for people who responded at the end. I didn’t realise how hard it would be though – I looked down to find my hands literally shaking! But I held it together and was calm – until I talked about how much of an inspiration my mum is to me. Then I had to take a moment… or two. And I’m writing this tonight to honour her; for her unwavering faith in the midst of intense suffering. I don’t understand everything she’s had to go through, and is still going through, but I do so appreciate everything that she has taught me along the way. She has remained absolutely resolute in her faith – even when everything has screamed at her not to – including her own body.

We need to learn from our elders, as we really aren’t as together and wise as we often make out. I’m so proud to have a mum I can look up to and learn from. Thanks mum, I love you 🙂

I promise…to love my God

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Last night I was a very proud mummy. My husband, son and I watched as our daughter was officially enrolled into Brownies. She has been uber excited for weeks, and yes, I’ll admit, it did bring a lump to my throat. Particularly because Brownies has been the one thing that has really helped her this term. She has been bullied by a close friend and starting Brownies has been a fantastic way for her to make friends outside of school and to build her self-esteem back up (man I could not believe how much a young child’s sense of self could get knocked down!). But, that huge issue aside, what really struck me was the words of the Brownie promise she made:

I promise that I will do my best:
To love my God,
To serve the Queen and my country,
To help other people
And
To keep the Brownie Guide Law.

Now copying that out from her Brownie book I’ve noticed the two asterisks after ‘God’ and  ‘country’ that refer to a note saying that Brownies can ask to insert different words at these points instead. That, to me, is a little sad. But… understandable. Indeed, on our walk home we met a friend from church. When we explained where we had been, and said a little bit of the promise, his response was, ‘Was there really a mention of God in there – surely that has been taken out by now?’ And he had a point. Everywhere in our British, national culture the parts that draw on a Christian heritage are being deliberately eroded away. Think about it. There’s so little left. I think that is why I was so struck by the words of the promise – because you don’t hear that sort of thing said much these days, particularly not in schools or children’s groups because it is not politically correct. So watching a group of excited girls all rooting for my daughter while she said those words was so refreshing. I understand that there will be those that say we can’t impose our beliefs on others – and I get that. Just hearing those words made me realise afresh how much our culture has been secularised – and I guess it made me mourn a little. I’m all for treating others equally, and for not making judgements based on religion, race or gender, but does that really mean we should simply give away all parts of our heritage and traditions that have any basis in Christianity, however small?

Moving on to a less contentious issue!… My daughter is 7. She is quite matter of fact, and prayed a prayer asking Jesus into her heart when it appeared in her daily bible notes when she was quite a bit younger. Now she is totally convinced she is a Christian, and I don’t doubt it, but I know she has a lot to learn and understand about what that means. But pondering the promise she made last night I thought it would be a good starting point – a good motto for life. I’m not particularly patriotic, but I do love my country – and I certainly love my God. So, actually, I think it would be a pretty good motto for me too! What about you? Fancy taking the Brownie promise as your motto for at least today?

Out of the mouths of babes…

I was chatting to my daughter this morning and was struck once again at how easy it is for her to talk about God to those around her. I had overheard her the day before walking to school, excited that she had found out another friend goes to church every Sunday. ‘Wow we are both Christians!’ she exclaimed, beaming. She then said that her other best friends didn’t know about God and didn’t go to church – so she had to teach them. I wonder whether it is simply the freedom of childhood, or whether she is an evangelist in the making! It is so overwhelming at times to stop and actually take a step back and look at my kids. Life is usually far too busy and I am often too harassed to be as grateful as I should be, but there is so, so much potential hidden in their little bodies and only God knows where they will end up. It is so important to pray for them and to help develop their giftings. I just hope I am not too caught up in myself and the jobs I have to do to give them everything they need to fulfil the potential placed inside of them. They are an amazing gift and I need to remind myself of that every day. This term has so far been a difficult, emotional one as they have both had to try to find their way in changing friendship groups. It’s been hard, frustrating, tiring and emotional for me (as a lot of it reminds me so much of my own childhood!) but I am so glad it is me that gets to walk this journey with them. What a blessing – help me Lord to be strong but also gentle. I want to be the one they keep talking to as they grow older.

A BIG weekend = BIG fun! :)

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It has gradually dawned on me over the last day or so that we have a manic weekend ahead, and I should really be preparing for it. I can tell I’m tired because instead of rushing about ‘doing’ things, packing and creating lists, I’ve been procrastinating! Anyway, this weekend we will be enjoying three different events that are providing us with unique opportunities to reach out, have fun with our children and make links – both with possible clients but also with neighbours and friends.

The Diamond Jubilee is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and my daughter has grabbed hold of it particularly enthusiastically – she knows more about the royal family than me now! And, to kick off our weekend of fun, we are attending my daughter’s school’s jubilee street party. She has been deciding on what dress to wear for weeks, and has been busy practising the songs they are going to be performing for us. It promises to be a real treat – last year’s royal wedding street party was great fun – if a little noisy and chaotic! ;D

On Saturday we are heading to TheBigChurchDayOut. Armed with my press pass and list of possible questions for the artists, I’m thrilled to finally be able to make it. Having interviewed organiser Tim Jupp earlier in the year, which allowed me to learn more about his heart for the event, has made me intrigued and I’m looking forward to experiencing it for myself. I’m also hoping to catch up with people I’ve been working with – and others I hope to work with in the future. I’m not quite so sure whether we made the right decision when we allowed ourselves to be talked into taking our kids – who are 6 and 3 (although their older cousins are rather excited about the prospect of showing them round and looking after them – hooray!). And looking at the programme there does look like a lot of things for children to do – and Tim assures me it is a big day out for all the family. I guess having mine there will enable me to really test whether that is indeed the case…

On Monday our road will be closed as we host one of the 110 street parties going on in our town alone! I think it is fantastic that so many people have gotten together with their neighbours to organise these parties. Ours is definitely an ambitious one and a small committee of us have been meeting and planning for it for a long time now. There have been fraught moments, when it looked like the budget had been blown, or people disagreed over decisions. However, overall, it has been a fantastic way to get to know the neighbours better (although ours are all pretty friendly anyway – people who spend time with us always comment on how our road is like the one on Neighbours). But even though we are a pretty friendly bunch life is so busy that we rarely get much time to spend with each other. Our fantastic next door neighbours are also now in our church so it has been great that the wife, who is now retired, has been so helpful with the street party preparations, and we have had opportunities to mention the church in a casual way (as my husband is one of the pastors they know we are church goers anyway – and he is down to say the Jubilee Grace on the day). We are also able to help add to the festivities by lending the church face paints (and inviting a few of our best face painters along to the party!). It is moments like these that I think just being there, having fun, helping out and being honest about who we are can really enable us to be Christ’s ambassadors. That truly is worshipping God through our lives. It’s nothing heavy – just fun and friendship. And I know our kids are just going to love it – the thought of memories being created and shared by my family and our neighbours is wonderful.

So here’s to this weekend – just looking at what I’m going to be up to is making me tired – but also making me smile! 🙂 Whatever you are doing I hope you enjoy it x

What a week under par has taught me

This has been a very strange week for me. It all started with my daughter coming down with a very violent sickness bug that has been going round her school. She was up a lot one night being sick, spent the next day very listless but then bounced back. Then my husband and I both went down with it the same night – all night. The next day we were laid out completely, having to call on friends to do our two different school runs. But then he bounced back…and I didn’t. It’s taken me all week to be able to eat a full meal – and I’m still not eating plenty of items as the thought of them makes me feel super sick. I still feel slightly nauseous constantly.

I’ve had to force myself to eat to ensure I’m well enough to look after my kids – and earlier in the week we had the struggle of both kids playing up because our routine was disrupted due to our sickness. Just when we asked them if they could be extra helpful and good they did precisely the opposite – and we both felt too ill to deal with it. To be honest, I’ve been pretty short-fused with them all week. It’s just plain hard work to get on and do all the normal things a parent has to while I feel like this.

But I can also see that this week has done me a lot of good. Just slowing down so I only do the bare necessities has actually made me realise what a lot of rushing about I do – and made me wonder whether I need to do absolutely all of it. I’ve been really challenged recently about the fact that I feel I have my finger in so many pies, how many of them am I actually doing to the best of my ability? And what room is there in my life for those people that really need me to down tools and help them at a moment’s notice?

It has also given me a renewed admiration for people who cope with illness long-term. That is a subject on my heart at the moment, and I’m hoping to write about it soon. How do people who suffer with something day in day out keep their head above water, keep believing and trusting in God’s promises? People like my mum, who struggles with some horrible illnesses and has been suffering from terrible nausea for months and months that no expert seems to be able to get to the bottom of despite countless tests. I was talking on the phone to her after she had been away for a few days with my dad. I was saying how I’d been feeling and what a struggle it had been, and then she told me how she had had to come face to face with her limitations yet again while away. How hard that must be when you are on holiday, as you can’t ever take a holiday from your sickness…

This week has also made me grateful at times. When I first started feeling well enough to eat again I was grateful; when I first felt able to drive again too. When I felt well enough to tidy up a bit I was glad – as the state of the house was getting me down. And the sense of achievement of getting the bits of work done I needed to this week was much more intense than usual – because I’d had to battle through more than normal too. While I did struggle with resentment at times about some of the things I had to carry on and do even though I didn’t feel up to them, it has actually been really nice to hide away and spend most evenings at home on my own or with my husband just doing very little. I think we all need regular periods of time like that – perhaps my next one was so long overdue that God allowed this sickness to really knock me out so that I actually did slow down for a change!

I wonder whether your week has been ‘the same as usual’ or if you can look back and see something you’ve learned afresh. Do you regularly take the time to take stock and think about what your days have been filled with, and what God may have been trying to teach you through your everyday circumstances? I think I look for such things more regularly now that I am writing, but it is certainly a beneficial habit for us all to cultivate…