Tag: change

Working hard for our ‘happily ever after’

I am delighted to welcome Fiona Banes from Time for Marriage to my blog continuing our series based on seeing God’s grace in marriages. Here she describes how her and husband Andy were going through the motions, despondent that ‘happily ever after’ wasn’t happening, when a marriage enrichment weekend literally changes their lives.

As a teenager I was obsessed with romance. I was desperate to fall in love and live happily ever after. I didn’t date many guys and, when I did, I quickly knew that they weren’t ‘the one’…until I met Andy. He was funny, handsome, engaging and I could talk to him about anything. As we dated, we quickly became best friends and within weeks were talking of marriage and spending the rest of our lives together…happily ever after.

THE BUBBLE BURST

Within 18 months we were married and within six months of that, the shock started to settle in that actually this might not be ‘happily ever after’. It probably wasn’t going to be eternal romance and him sweeping me off my feet. We were surprised to discover that as well as our similarities, we also had differences and things we simply didn’t agree on. 

I’m a bit messy and Andy is tidy so when, six months into our marriage, I still hadn’t unpacked the boxes that I’d moved into his home, a source of tension crept in that has been something we’ve had to work on throughout our married lives. 

There have been other things too: I wear my heart on my sleeve whereas Andy was more private (he’s learned to be more open!). So, I began to tell people that I wasn’t very much enjoying married life, much to Andy’s embarrassment, and occasionally I told people I wasn’t sure I’d married the right guy! We had absolutely no idea how to do marriage.

BEING INTENTIONAL

Things settled down for a while and then we had kids. They came 18 months apart, crying, not sleeping, on the go all the time, just after we’d moved away from our hometown and support network, and Andy had just set up his own business. I hit postnatal depression and we quickly settled into a kind of sibling relationship where we argued over who had looked after the kids longest and barely tolerated each other. The shattered dreams of ‘happily ever after’ turned into wanting out of a marriage that was making each of us miserable. So, we had a conversation about separating. However, we knew that neither of us would cope with the kids on our own, so we decided to stay together. 

The intentionality of that decision made us realise that we needed to start to put more effort into our relationship. Slowly things improved and we were surprised to find ourselves celebrating ten years of marriage – an ‘OK’ marriage. So, I thought it would be great to go on a marriage enrichment weekend and learn some skills to enhance our marriage. Andy thought it would be WAY more fun to go to the Caribbean!  Fortunately, we got to do both.  

A CHANGE OF DIRECTION

The marriage enrichment weekend not only transformed our marriage but, in the long run, changed our lives. The weekend was soaked in the Holy Spirit and during each session, we were encouraged to ask ourselves what’s God’s plan for us was. We remembered what we loved about each other and dreamed a vision for what our relationship could be like in the future. Not an idealistic, unrealistic dream, but a commitment to making our relationship the best it could be. 

We came away with a deep connection on a solid foundation that would protect our marriage and see us through years to come. Friends and family were blown away by the difference in us and went on marriage weekends to see what it would do for their own marriages. Eventually we got involved and took over leadership of the marriage organisation running the weekends, which is now called Time for Marriage.

LESSONS LEARNED

Naturally, since our marriage was magically transformed, everything has been a breeze. I joke, obviously. We have had, and continue to have, seasons of challenge in our marriage. We are growing, evolving and changing humans and must adapt to each other’s changes. The foundation of commitment and the tools we have learned have made us do the work to ensure each other and our marriage flourishes. Marriage is HARD work, but it is also an incredible gift to live life with your best friend by your side.

Some things we’ve learned along the way:

Communication is key When we listen and try to understand (with an objective of really ‘getting into each other’s shoes’), we can meet each other’s needs and move forward. 

Fun Often when we don’t feel great about life, it’s because we’ve lost a sense of fun. Maybe we need to schedule some date time into our diaries. For us, having fun brings about a sense of connection and it can be as simple as a cheeky G&T on the sofa in our kitchen on a weeknight.

Forgiveness is vital On our marriage weekend, we were able to forgive each other all the past grudges we had held that had built up over the ten years. We also got into a habit of forgiving each other quickly after that. This has helped us move forward quickly when we fall out…because we do fall out – that’s married life for you.

Kindness is the ultimate way of showing love to each other I realised several years ago that I’m not always very kind to Andy. It was a real revelation thath I’ve been working on ever since. Two years ago, Andy experienced bereavement and the pursuit of kindness meant that I was able to support him in a way that made him feel profoundly loved during that season.

Accept that change is here to stay We are evolving humans. Life is messy. If we can accept that change will happen then we can become more resilient towards dealing with difficulties when they hit us. Fortunately, seasons come and go, so it’s unlikely each current situation will stay forever.

Fiona Banes is Executive Director of Time for Marriage alongside husband Andy. They’ve been married 28 years and have two grown up children and a grandson. Time for Marriage runs marriage enrichment weekends across the UK and overseas and also online. These weekends are an opportunity for couples to discover God’s plan for their marriage. They are also SYMBIS practitioners.

Finding our secure place in the darkness

I have held off writing about the current coronavirus pandemic, mainly because I haven’t really had a chance to formulate my thoughts much before now. Working from home (which I usually do but now there’s an extra workload), as well as helping my kids navigate online schooling, there are precious few moments of quiet in any given day. I think it is important not to simply jump on the bandwagon of making a comment without having something to say. There have also been some incredibly helpful articles out there, that I have really appreciated (as well as some scaremongering that I’ve learned to ignore).

I also know that I’m in a process of grieving – for my mum, for my dad who has not only lost his wife, but has lost all sense of community since the lockdown and is so, so lonely. It breaks my heart every time I think of him alone, surrounded by the memories of mum but with no one there to process it with. I long for him to know his maker…But that is all mixed up with a general sense of grief and loss for what is happening right now, across the world. I know there are so many who didn’t get the chance to sit next to their dying relative, as we did, and I can’t quite imagine what they are going through now. And so many who are unable to attend a family member’s funeral – how difficult not to have that closure; it seems so cruel. My heart bleeds when I see the news (so much so that I made a conscious decision not to watch it every day anymore, as I sensed my stress levels rising). 

Our world has certainly been stopped in its tracks. And, while I don’t believe God has brought the virus as judgement upon us, because God sent Jesus not to judge the world but to save all those in the world who put their faith in him* (John 3:17–18), I do believe there are lessons we are meant to learn as Christians from this time. Of course, we are meant to learn at every other time too, but this certainly seems more urgent (but also more difficult for many of us – those working around the clock in hospitals, care homes, schools and supermarkets barely have time to rest their bodies let alone nourish their spirits. But God has grace for each one of us, in our specific situations too.)

Many people have commented that they don’t want to go back to normal once this is over – indeed it has been said so many times that some are getting tired of hearing that statement. For now, I think God is calling us back to him, calling us to repent of the ‘gods’ of materialism, busyness, individualism – and anything else we’ve allowed to take his place, even in small, subtle ways. He is a jealous God, but also a loving one, and, if we take time to listen, he is calling us back, calling us closer.

I sense a need for repentance in my own life, and collectively in the Church, but I also know God is wooing us with gentle tenderness, offering comfort and hope – so that we can offer the same to those around us by pointing them to Jesus. I keep being reminded of these verses:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:3–5). 

I know that this is a bewildering, difficult, painful time for so many of us, punctuated with some unexpected moments of deep joy as we see the sacrifices people are making for one another, and the rise in a collective sense of community. Let us be those that draw close to God in order to receive the comfort that we need, which may mean giving ourselves permission to rant and rail when we need to, to sit and howl at the desperate plight of so many (perhaps ourselves if we are currently battling the virus in our family or friendship groups). But let’s also give ourselves time to be reminded of the ultimate, eternal hope that we have in Christ Jesus, who: ‘For the joy that was set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God’ (Hebrews 12:2). 

We might not understand what is going on right now, and we may have myriad questions for God about the situation, but we can be reassured that Jesus is on his eternal throne, and he will never be shaken from it. That is the secure place from which we can wrestle and allow ourselves to accept the difficulties and darkness of this time – and be open to the transformation and change God may have for us in it.

*I love this quote from Phil Moore’s excellent piece on what we can learn from the message of Revelation in the upcoming May issue of Premier Christianity magazine: ‘World history is not going to end with a deadly virus or a nuclear holocaust. God’s plan for humanity will not end with a funeral, but with a wedding.’ That is a sneak preview, as I’ve been helping out with the magazine – it is packed full of helpful articles about the virus and church in this time. You can request a free copy of the magazine – wait until Monday to ensure you are getting this issue, if you would like to, but then click here. You can, of course, also sign up for a subscription…