While part of me is reluctant to add an entry in today, on Anti-slavery day, that pushes my posting on that subject down a space, I wanted to let you know about a piece I wrote for US online magazine Prodigal. It was published yesterday afternoon and is all about finding the right balance and trying to make space to rest with God. Please click the link here to read it. If any of you fancies leaving a comment I’d really appreciate it! 😉 Thanks Claire x
Tag: distractions
Taking time out
Yet again there’s been a good few weeks between my posts. Before Christmas I was frantically trying to finish work off so that I could take a complete break, and since the kids went back to school I’ve been busy again catching up with work. But I look back to the Christmas period with really fond memories. It was a time of relaxation in which I purposefully stayed away from my computer. The way that was kickstarted is funny really – a friend’s daughter slept in a travel cot in my office just before Christmas and she asked whether the cot could stay up until the New Year’s Eve party we were hosting. So the cot became a welcome barrier between me and my computer, forcing me not to turn it on! I’ve always made sure I don’t have emails coming through to my phone, as when I’m away from my desk I’m with my kids so I don’t want the lure of work emails distracting me from them. The result: I was free of social media for the entire Christmas holiday period!
I think I’d worked so hard last year that I was quite burned out, and having time away from everything – emails, Facebook, twitter, blogs – was really welcome. It also made me realise anew the wisdom behind God’s ordering and the taking of a day of rest each week. We were explaining to the kids at the weekend that mummy and daddy aren’t quite like other mummies and daddies they know from school – our weekends aren’t just full of fun and relaxation as part of our jobs are to lead the church – me with worship and my husband as an elder and preacher. So Sundays can be quite stressful. While my husband should have a day off in the week that often doesn’t materialise, and it is hard to keep it family focused anyway as the kids are at school Monday to Friday. So we find we end up with less time to ourselves. That’s the nature of things – but that doesn’t mean it’s always right.
Since coming back to work, and being in meetings where we’ve focused on our goals for the year and how we’d like to develop, I was really struck by how one woman prayed for me. She said, ‘God you’ve heard all the ways Claire wants to develop her worship ministry, but she has just said how her highlights of last year were when she had time with her family away from it all. Help her to remember to take those rest times, and to realise that you only expect her to do what she has time to do. Stop her from worrying about those things she can’t do.’ That prayer made its way into my journal, as I realised my tendency is to forget rest in the busy-ness of life. I love being busy, and I find it difficult to relax until everything on my ‘to do’ list is ticked off but what I’m holding on to in these first few weeks of January is that it is so important to take time out.
So my exaltation to you is also to take some time off regularly – and don’t worry about whether stepping back to rest will mean you are no longer ‘in the loop’. This is something that I can get anxious about – particularly regarding social media networking for work purposes. I think if I take any time off it will be detrimental to the career I’m building. I’m now reminding myself that my spiritual health is the most important priority and time off is vital. God has told me many times that I can’t help others and give out to the best of my ability if I’m burned out myself – I guess I need to start listening! I’ll let you know in a few months whether I’ve managed to take regular time off – bearing in mind that it’s only a few weeks before my husband becomes lead elder/pastor of our church so I know that will have a huge impact on our lives! 🙂
Celebrating silence
My house is sooooooo quiet. I have found it really difficult to re-adjust to having mornings to myself after half term. The house was full to bursting with fun, friends and food all week. So much so that I did feel a little guilty about how little work I’d done – but I was really grateful that we had so many great moments as a family. But after my daughter went off to school, and I was getting my son ready to go to pre-school, yesterday I had one thought in my head: ‘I can’t wait for some silence’. It wasn’t that I hadn’t enjoyed our time together – just that I was missing the balance. And I think so many of us in our crazily busy lives miss that all the time – and get so locked into our routines that we actually don’t notice. To be honest, when I had the silence and the space yesterday morning I couldn’t settle down to anything. I was fidgety and couldn’t concentrate. I think part of me had forgotten how to just sit still and be, and how to allow myself to slow down and engage with God in the quietness. There is always so much to get done, and so many things to tick off of a list, but I think God often looks down on me and wonders when I’m going to get it. When I’m going to understand that He doesn’t need me to be rushing about ‘doing’ things for Him – whether through my work or service to my family or church. That what He longs most of all is to spend some quality time with His daughter. So this week I’m celebrating the silence – and trying to re-engage with the discipline of sitting still in that silence and learning from the master….
Is my life about promoting God…or myself?
I have steered clear about directly commenting here on the raging debate that occurred as a result of Driscoll’s interview in Christianity. I have written a few comments on other people’s blog responses, however, and it is the whole idea of celebrity Christianity that has stuck with me, and many others too. As a newbie writer I am held in that tension of wanting/needing to promote myself but it is far too easy to get caught up in the whole process of trying to get yourself known. As a Christian isn’t that beside the point? It’s all about dying to self and revealing the wisdom and glory of God through the way we live. I know when you make your living from an industry that hardly ever takes notice of unknowns there is an inevitability about trying to promote yourself to a certain degree. But the celebrity culture we have in western Christianity today is quite strange and there is something in the recent debate that we should probably be very grateful for – it has made a lot of us uncomfortable and made us turn to look at our motives once again.
Here’s what I wrote in response to one helpful blogger (and then thought it could quite easily be a posting on my own blog…so here it is! 🙂 ):
As a new-ish writer I’m always so excited about new contacts I meet, but also get really frustrated when I see what a small world the Christian media world can be – and because I’m not that known I can be overlooked. I was having a little moan to God about this one day when I was suddenly stopped in my tracks – I read something a well-known worship leader wrote a few years ago but it was as if God himself was talking to me, reminding me that I’m called to be faithful where I’m at. Chasing after status can so easily distract you from the needs that are right in front of you. As a busy mum, church/worship leader, school governor etc I come across needs all the time. Am I doing all I can to serve those right in front of me or have I started to get impatient when someone starts taking up too much of ‘my’ time? Time I could be spending researching and writing? And why do I get disappointed when I read someone with a ‘name’ writing on a subject I know I could write on easily – or have pitched similarly in the past but was turned down? I have to remind myself to be grateful for every single opening God does provide for me, and juggle that with my other responsibilities closer to home. And yes, when you do have a platform of any sort at all there comes an added responsiblity. I have been writing about family issues, marriage and worship leading in the last week. But if I take a look at my own marriage, family, worship of God and discipleship of the worship team I am responsible for do those hold up to the same scrutiny I’m asking other people to do in my writing? The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite – and yet I think there are times that I am.
I think perhaps the thing we all need to bear in mind is that our lives, and our works, will be refined through the fire – and those things that were not of lasting, eternal worth will be burned up. Are we seeking after and promoting those things that will stand up to that test? God says that when we feed or clothe one of the least of them we are feeding or clothing Him – is that something we always remember or are we eager to get through that aspect of our ‘ministry’ so that we can turn our attention back to something that we feel will benefit us, or our careers? It is horrible to write that down in black and white and then read it back – and I’m sure that is not how any of us set out. But, honestly, when I’m tired and juggling too many things my patience and humility is in short supply and I guess there is a small element of that in the way I perceive things. If this whole Driscoll episode causes some of us to re-evaluate and re-prioritise then some good will have come as a result. Whether we agreed with him or not, were offended or not, isn’t the point. Can we look at our lives and be happy with the way they are going in terms of promoting God and His kingdom, rather than our own statuses and agendas?
Socially networking, but how is your connection with God?
As usual, I have had many ideas for blogs running through my head but little time to write them. And my time today has been cut down even more – for lovely reasons though. It was the last day of my children’s holiday before school starts back. We had a friend drop by in the morning and then this afternoon we took a spur of the minute decision and went to the cinema. It’s been a really precious time – but that’s not the point of this blog!
What I want to think about today is whether our technogically based lives these days leave any space to properly connect with God. With phones that gives us instant access to the internet it means that not only can people reach us at any time, anywhere, we can also be constantly connected to twitter, facebook and other networking sites. And, be honest, how hard it is to ignore those status updates that show a new posting has come through?!
I obviously don’t know what your own personal devotional times with God look like, but I’ve been thinking about mine ever since someone I’ve been mentoring emailed to ask how much time she should be spending with God one on one, and how much time do I spend. At first I was rather disgruntled by the questions – after all it isn’t about quantity but about quality right? And each individual needs to work out how they best connect to God and when. But then I was ashamed. Ashamed and not wanting to answer her question. Because recently I’ve got busier and busier with work and I had to acknowledge the fact that making time for God has got harder. It has been significantly harder since having kids but the last quarter of this year I can look back and see I didn’t do much quiet dwelling in God’s presence. There was always a bit of work to do, the kids to sort, someone who needed my help at church – oh and a few hundred tweets to wade through. And I would say I’m worse off now.
Don’t get me wrong – I think the things we can achieve via the internet, and the connections we can make with other individuals (and for me the work contacts I’ve made) are fantastic. But keeping up with the very small amount of social networking I do has made it even harder for me to connect to God – because it is just one more thing that gets in the way – that I find vies for my attention and often wins over quality time with my maker.
I watched the last episode of Living with the Amish over the holiday period and, again, was challenged on the same point. One family had left the most strict Amish community and was going it alone. This meant they had embraced some technological advances – including the internet. The eldest daughter of the family was interviewed and she said that her brothers now have facebook and twitter. She said she didn’t know what they were (and didn’t want to know) but she was sad for her brothers, because they now wasted so much time that they could be reading God’s word – and she then patted her Bible as if it was her most precious possession. That really resonated with me. Not because I want to give up on the internet, but I do want to make sure my priorities are straight as I start this new year – with all the joys and challenges it will most certainly bring. How about you? Are you connecting with God as well as you are with others on the internet?
Is He getting through to you?
I have become uncomfortably aware that God is obviously trying to get through to me, and using any means possible because I haven’t been listening too well recently. Everywhere I’ve looked, through conversations I’ve had – and even in my kids’ toddler bible notes – I’ve been hit with the story of Martha and Mary again, in particular of being too busy to hear God. Throw in some comments on keeping a lid on those careless words that can come out of our mouths so easily and that about sums up the simple, but exceedingly important, message He’s been trying to get me to listen to. A horrific morning with my kids (while my husband enjoyed a church men’s breakfast of course!) really brought things to a head – I found myself screaming at my daughter and then breaking down and I realised the way I handle my kids when they push all my buttons is not healthy in the slightest. After we’d worked through it, I’d said my sorry and they’d apologised for the things they’d done wrong we sat down for a late breakfast and yes, that’s when the Martha/Mary story appeared again. I can find it quite ironic now my writing work has picked up, that I’m writing pieces about spiritual disciplines/prioritising so God isn’t pushed out and yet I’m getting less and less time to spend with Him myself. Surely He’s the source of everything – where all my ideas and creativity should be coming from. And yet… trying to keep up with all the news, online debates and deadlines means He often gets pushed to the back, becoming a spectator in my life rather than the driving force behind it. I am fascinated by some of the really huge debates that people have been grappling with recently – and they have certainly made me think (particularly when I don’t think I have a coherent enough answer in my head for why I don’t agree with some of the postings). But I have this little voice nudging at me every so often, making me realise that to be able to say anything of worth both in these debates and in my writing I need to take a step back and mull things over with God Himself. It is crazy that sometimes I feel like I just don’t have the time to do that – but that’s honestly what has gone through my head at times. This week I read Jill Briscoe’s comments about how hard it was when her kids were young and Stuart was travelling so much – and about how bitter she got. And that resonated with me. Not because my husband is away from home – the positive difference it has made to our family life with him becoming a pastor rather than sticking with his record producing career has been incredible. But I can get fed up and, yes, bitter at times when I see others being able to go to conferences at the drop of a hat, being able to network more than I can yet and also when my husband can just focus on one thing and shut everything else out when my office door always has to be open to our kids whatever deadline I am up against. And yet this is my life, my path – the things I believe God has called me to. So why can’t I learn to stop fretting and trying to do it all in my own strength and spend a little time drawing aside with God so that He can give me the grace – and everything else I need – to do it to the best of my ability?
A positive turn of events…
I seem to start all my entries these days with phrases such as ‘I know it has been a long time’… and here I am at it again! The last few weeks have been gruelling – not due to work, which I am afraid has had to sit on the back burner. I’ve simply been getting through each day – and night. The virus that is going around hit our household big time, and my youngest has been up night after night. Sleep deprivation is something I find so so difficult, and I admit I was getting pretty down. It didn’t help when, after our newly introduced family DVD night, he slipped and cut open his chin – the second trip to A&E with him! But last night he slept through for the first time in weeks – yay! And even more positive is that my attitude and conversations with God had changed before then! 😉 I don’t know if it was because it was such a beautiful, crisp day yesterday, but I found myself walking to my mum and toddler group full of thankfulness about the blessings God has poured on me. Okay, life had been tough – but I have two beautiful children, a wonderful husband and I’m making my way in a career that I love and can fit around family life. When I got home I was greeted by a message to say I had some more editorial work offered – to edit Jeff Lucas’ new book (which I found rather exciting!). I also suddenly realised an article I’m working on has the potential to be developed into a great book too, and managed to chat this through with a publisher. I made some great contacts for that too yesterday and, on top of that, feel that God just ‘dropped’ an idea for another piece of writing into my head. I was soooo excited yesterday afternoon and was brimming over with information that I just ‘had’ to share with my poor husband, who was trying to concentrate on his work in another room of the house! Well, if he will work from home too what does he expect?! 🙂 After calming down I had time for reflection and realised that, in less than a year, God has really helped me develop my career in a totally different direction. The contacts I have had for years in the publishing industry just seem to no longer get in touch with me. I was quite down about that for a while – after my first child they carried on giving me work, but after my second it was becoming a huge slog to find work with them – they blamed the economic climate and I know that is true, but I also know not being available full time had a lot to do with it (even though I have never missed a deadline and they have always been happy with my work). But now I realise God was making room for the writing and editing work He had in store for me. I have a lot of editorial work, but it is all with new Christian clients and I’m loving it! I have also had some real encouragements with my writing – people coming back to me about ideas I submitted back in the summer, accepting some straight off and changing their mind about others! I’ve now got some new book ideas too, which is wonderful because I really felt like I wanted to write another book but wasn’t quite sure what direction to take that in. There are still magazines I really want to have articles in that I haven’t managed to yet, and that is quite frustrating, but I feel like I’m now writing about the subjects closest to my heart and that I actually feel I have something of worth to say about. I realise what a great privilege that is, and am so grateful to God…
Are you ‘abiding’?
Last week’s sermon included the passage that was my favourite when I was growing up – John 15, the vine and the branches. One phrase kept cropping up on Sunday – ‘Abide in me’. I haven’t been able to shake it so far this week, and I think it may be because it is a lesson I need to relearn. So what does it mean to abide? I looked up some online dictionary definitions and I really like some of the words Brainy Quote uses to describe ‘abide’:
‘To wait; to pause; to delay. To stay; to continue in a place; to have one’s abode; to dwell; to sojourn; to remain stable or fixed in some state or condition; to continue; to remain; to wait for; to be prepared for; to await; to watch for; to endure; to sustain; to submit to.’
Wow. There’s a lot to digest in there. And I think the overriding sense is of taking your time, making space and waiting to hear from God. To linger with Him rather than ticking off time spent with Him as another job done successfully before rushing onto the next one. To truly abide in Him, which is how the Scriptures say we bear fruit as Christians, we need to open ourselves up to Him constantly – wherever we are and whatever we are doing. Now, as a mum of two small kids I have certainly learned the art of talking to God while doing a hundred and one other things. And I think that’s what He likes – He wants to interact with us in all our ‘daily doings’. But I also think it is important to draw aside and come before Him quietly each day. Our lives are so full of ‘noise’ and ‘stuff’ that we can be totally distracted even when we are supposedly communing with God! And He very rarely shouts at us – His is that still, small voice. How are we supposed to hear it when it is being crowded out by everything else? When did you last hear it? I have been really challenged by the fact that I am now writing and editing for Christian publications, so am spending more time in the Word and studying than I have done since the kids were born, and yet the craziness of my schedule means I don’t feel like I have connected with God intimately for a little while. I think the words ‘Abide in me’ are a gentle nudge to me that He’s missing me. How about you? Is He missing you too?
Man I thought I was over this…
This week I have been struggling a little with self-pity syndrome. Silly I know – distasteful to me too, and really rather annoying because I know part of it is due to the change in my emotions that occur with the monthly shift of hormone levels too. I spend a fair amount of time with women younger than me, in a friendship capacity but also a discipleship one. And I find time and time again that it is the issue of a poor self-image that crops up. It just seems to be rife among young Christian women. I can understand why, given the way our culture and media bombard us with images that, rather than ‘doing their job’ and encouraging us to aspire to be like the women pictured, belittle us and make us feel somehow of less worth than others. I am glad that we don’t all rush out to spend money on trying to be like those photoshopped models, but nevertheless those images do take their toll. I know I have had to fight to fill my mind with the knowledge of who I am in Christ, of how he sees me, but I confess since having two children and speeding ever closer to the big 40, being around younger women, or those supermums who have managed to have kids and still retain no ounce of fat on their bodies, does make me ashamed of my physical body at times.
But it isn’t just the physical. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. I know that may come as a surprise to some, but I am still, at heart, a pretty shy person. I have to work hard to push myself through the barrier of wanting to just hide in a corner. I have worked particularly hard at it in church – just as well really as people do not expect a pastor’s wife to hide! Having lots of useful jobs helps – behind the scenes ones are my most comfortable but I am also happy leading worship and talking up the front now. However, put me in a situation that is fairly new to me, or where I am surrounded by much louder, more confident people, and I seem to shrivel a little. My natural instinct is to close down – especially if I try to speak up but someone louder speaks over me.
The reason for this week’s struggle is the age-old playground scenario. My daughter has a lovely bunch of friends, and the mums are nice too. However I am one of the quieter ones, and I can be ignored or overlooked at times. For the second time in recent weeks my daughter was one of the few not invited back to a friend’s house (actually this week she was the only one) and I was really upset for her. On top of that I learned that while I had been away last week they had arranged a group collection for the teachers and not included me. I thought I’d make a special effort and invite them all back after the kids break up on Friday, but one by one they texted back to say they had already arranged to go to the park. I really wished I hadn’t bothered at that point. Now my sensible hat knows that one of the mums knew I had bought a little something for the teachers already, so may have thought I didn’t need to be asked about the collection. And I also realise that I don’t always do the dropping off to school as my husband works nearby, so I probably just wasn’t around when they arranged the park. I don’t know if it is my ego, or my insecurity, but my reaction inside was to think that it isn’t that hard to think about who is missing from the group and send a quick text. So I immediately began to spiral and think that they obviously don’t think that much of me. My lack of worth was further emphasised to me when I read that two other writers were in the middle of writing for a publication that doesn’t seem to want me.
I’m not in the best place today, but I have been working hard to remind myself of who I am, of who loves me – and that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things! Even writing it down makes it seem rather petty – a bit silly – and yet, being honest to myself – and you – shows me that it has affected me this week.
It is hard when something you thought you had worked hard to conquer comes and seems to overtake you again – but I guess it is a good reminder that I can’t do things in my own strength so need to press into God more. He is the source of my life, goodness, sense of worth etc. Yes I feel sheepishly humbled – yet again – but at least it has reminded me that without him I can do nothing!
Where is your focus?
In church yesterday we had a really powerful time of worship. It was especially poignant for me as it was only the second time I had brought a ‘spiritual song’ without being behind the comfort of my keyboard. But that’s not what this post is about. We sang the words:
You opened my eyes to Your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on earth is as beautiful as You…
Those words seemed to come alive to me afresh yesterday, but also caused me to question myself, and wonder about those around me too because I’m sure we are all very similar! We sing those words, and mean them from the bottom of our hearts (okay, at times), so how come – if ‘nothing is as beautiful’ – do we get so easily distracted by things, by ‘stuff’? That’s one of the points made in the first talk at the worship conference we went to. It’s a simple point, often made, but I might as well say it again here. If we’re not worshipping God, we are worshipping something, or someone, else. So, today, where is your focus?