Tag: faith

Grief a year on…

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Warning: this is a long and extremely honest look back over my grief journey during the past 12 months. Today marks the first anniversary of Mum’s death. What a year it has been; none of us could have predicted that just after we said goodbye to her, the world would be thrust into a pandemic. That everything we took for granted would suddenly be pulled out from under us. And that a year later, we would still be living under restrictions with the death toll, and mental health toll, continuing to rise each and every day.

MY JOURNEY

I have had many responses over the last year, some probably due to ‘normal’ grief and others directly related to what we are all living through.

A little over a month after Mum died, I led my last worship service in our church building before we shut down. (On Mother’s Day – not great planning to put myself down on that day.) And then we were thrust into the busyness of getting the church online. While my husband (our lead pastor) had a great tech guy helping him as they hurriedly learned new skills, our family was heavily involved week by week. The ongoing pastoring of those in our church was something I gladly undertook with him too. 

Until the times when I felt overwhelmed. And then I began to realise I had a little resentment rising up. Not about helping others, but simply that I hadn’t had the time or space to grieve. And that my grief had actually been overshadowed by our nation’s, by the world’s, grief. From my perspective, that didn’t seem fair. But that was closely followed by guilt for feeling that way, especially when I had had the privilege of sitting next to my mum for the ten days it took for her to go and be with Jesus. 

Night and day I had remained in my parent’s home, and the final night we sat in her room with her until she took her last breath in the early hours of the next day. I know so many have lost loved ones this year without being able to say goodbye in person, and my heart aches for them. I have also thought, too, of those trapped in deep poverty who are dealing with the same kind of chronic illnesses Mum had. Although Mum’s life was difficult, her home was comfortable.

I have railed at God, asking him deep and personal questions about suffering that I have wrestled with over the years. But, for all my railings, there have often been times of being overcome with thankfulness too, that God took Mum when he did. One of the many diseases she had was a respiratory one, and I know she would have been particularly susceptible to, and petrified of, Covid. Just a month later and we may well have been saying goodbye from afar too. And I am so grateful her final days contained no knowledge of what was to come.

RENEWED FAITH

Recently, I have been engaging with the twice daily zoom calls for the young woman Hannah, struck down suddenly with a bleed on the brain. I know her family and husband of just a few short months may have initially opened up those calls to anyone out of desperation, in order to get as many people as possible praying for her. But they have become a source of inspiration, faith and unity for so many, as well as upholding them in their incredible personal journey. 

The honesty and openness with which they have generously shared their raw pain but also huge faith in the goodness of God has been a breath of fresh air and life to me. I am passionate about honesty within the Church, and it is so refreshing to see how willing they are to share. But it has also reawakened faith and stirred up passion in me again. That was something I desperately needed, and hadn’t realised how much it had dulled until it had been reawakened. 

RECOGNISING THE IMPACT

The years of painful, unanswered prayers and the impact that has had on our unsaved dad as well as Mum have taken their toll. As a church leader I have felt guilty for not having huge levels of faith when praying for the sick, although I have always fully believed that God can and is willing to heal miraculously today. I have certainly known the truth of this verse: ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick’ (Proverbs 13:12).

I know that God’s ways are higher than ours, but there are times when we really do wonder what he is up to! I certainly questioned his methods when Mum went to church in a wheelchair and came out running…but it didn’t last. Surely a miraculous, lasting healing would have made more sense and had a bigger impact on Dad? But I have to trust her quiet, determined and immensely strong faith in the midst of such trouble and affliction spoke even louder…

CONTINUED WRESTLING

That is not to say I don’t still have doubts, and questions. It has been incredible to listen to the stories of miraculous healings from others who have come on the zoom calls to encourage and spur on Hannah’s family – stating that because God healed their family member or friend he will do it for her. I do rejoice and my faith does rise, but so too do the questions.

I totally understand that when a young woman like Hannah is suddenly struck down it isn’t right, and the Church should be praying for healing and against any work of the enemy.

But…

It makes me ask – what about those who aren’t healed? What about those dear, faithful Christians who live with chronic illnesses for years. Specifically, what about my mum?

I know she was an older woman, who had suffered tremendously in her last few decades. But she had actually been ill for much of her life. We almost lost her just after I was born – and that certainly cemented the end of her relationship with my biological father. While she did embrace life and did achieve much, my childhood and adolescence were littered with sickness, and life or death operations became all too familiar over the years.

So, there is a deep pain, and many questions there, which I continue to wrestle with at times. 

For Mum the question changed from ‘why me?’ to ‘why not me?’. She felt she needed to give up her right to understand. There were moments when darkness enveloped her but she always clung to the knowledge that God was with her even when she couldn’t sense his presence. 

A CALL TO PRAYER

I do know God is good, and I know that Mum always stood on that truth. I know her resolute faith in the midst of severe, life-altering pain spoke to many, not least me, and I hold on to the promise that her example will one day draw Dad to his own faith. 

Mum clung on to life for many extra months, even when she was desperate to go home, just to see Dad’s salvation. That is, until my sister and I spoke to her of letting go – that we may be the ones to see the fruition of the promise God gave her so many decades ago.

When her strength was fading and her physical abilities shrunk her world to their living room, Mum began to feel useless. Then God spoke to her about the need for her prayers, because so many are too busy these days to be the prayer warriors he looks for. She took up that call and prayed faithfully for all those God placed on her heart. 

That is a mantle I believe God is waking us all up to, and that the situation with Hannah is helping with too. Yes, we have authority as God’s children and yes, our prayers do make a difference. My mum, as her life was ebbing away and she was crippled with pain, refused to stop praying. It became much more difficult but she never gave up. The importance of prayer is something that I have learned from her, and have had emphasised in recent weeks on the zoom calls.

MUM’S LEGACY

I think the best way I can honour Mum’s memory is by being as stubborn in my absolute faith and trust in God as she was – and by going deeper in my prayer life too.

So, while I may still have questions, and while the waves of grief still feel overwhelming at times, I thank God for who my mum was, and the legacy that she has left behind.

PS And, as Steve and I have spent recent days working hard on the final checks and publicity for our book Grace-filled Marriage, I have often paused and smiled, thinking of how I can’t wait to send a copy to Rob and Hannah.

We have stories from other couples in the book, who have faced unexpected difficulties and pain and seen God’s grace uphold and sustain them. They too will have an incredible story to tell about one of the most challenging periods of their married life and what God did in and through them…

In good company

Happy New Year! I have taken a break over Christmas and New Year from work – if I’d realised we were actually at the last of our reflections on hope I may have squeezed it in before the end of 2019 😉 Never mind – it’s good to start 2020 reminding ourselves of where our hope lies.

Reflections based on Hebrews 11:1–12; 32–40.

‘Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.’ (v.1)

This is the famous passage about faith, but take a look at the first verse – shown above. Hope is an integral part of our faith as Christians. Indeed Romans 4:18 makes this connection between the faith and hope that one of the characters in our passage had: ‘Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”’

As I said in a previous post, John Piper described hope as ‘faith in the future tense’. And what is so notable about all the people commended in this passage, of which we are told there are so many that not all are named, is that they never entered into the fullness of everything they had been promised during their lifetime. We are told they welcomed it from a distance, so they had a glimpse of it but never actually lived in it. Wow – I’m not sure I would have been so faithful (although I can think of some modern-day heroes close to my heart that inspire me by holding firmly on to their faith even when they don’t see what they are hoping for).

Take a look at verses 32–39 again and look at the huge trials those mentioned in Hebrews 11 had to face: battles, torture, ridicule, flogging, chains, prison, persecution. It makes for sobering reading doesn’t it? Those ‘giants’ of faith really did face severe testing and struggles. Often exercising faith means hanging on to the hope of our future glory in the midst of our own struggles. But we can be reassured that, as we do so, our walk with God is maturing.

Aren’t God’s plans incomprehensible and above our own? Just reflect on what the final verses reveal – that those we read about can only be made perfect with us. It is when we are all together with Him that we can fully enter into the glorious hope made possible through our Saviour. What a mind-blowing truth!

For prayer and reflection: Ask God to fire up your hope afresh as you read about these heroes of faith one more time. Allow their example to motivate you to carry on in your own walk of faith this year.

How praise is made possible

the-cross

Reflections based on Hebrews 13:11–16

‘Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name.’

I believe that this passage is a great reminder of our need for a saviour, and the ultimate sacrifice that he had to pay. Before He came, communion with God was only possible through a hugely complicated set of rules and animal sacrifices. Jesus’ death did away with such rituals and opened up the way to the Father.

Let’s ponder Jesus’ sacrifice a little more. Remember the agonising struggle that He had in Gethsemane when he thought about what was about to happen to him? Take a look at Matthew 26:36–46. ‘My soul is overwhelmed’ seems like a very apt description but somewhat inadequate too! Thinking about His humanity, Jesus must have been petrified at this point and yet He was still able to pray: ‘Yet not as I will, but as you will.’ Wow. But thank goodness He was able to do that, as it is only through what He suffered and endured, and then fought and conquered through His resurrection, that we are able to have a relationship with God. Today we are able to worship God freely, without needing to go through a priest.

While Jesus paid the sacrifice for our sins in a way we are totally incapable of doing for ourselves, God does still ask us for sacrifice. We are told to take up our cross on a daily basis (Luke 9:23). We are also asked to put others before ourselves (Philippians 2:1–4). But when each of these things is done from an attitude of thankfulness and remembrance of what Jesus has done for us, they don’t seem like so much of a sacrifice do they?

Prayer: Thank you Lord for paying the price that I could not for my salvation. Help me to live in the light of what you’ve done, remembering to take up my own personal cross daily as well as put on an attitude of thankfulness and praise.

Lips that praise/lips that curse

general-background

Reflections based on Matthew 15:1–20.

‘What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.’

Here Jesus is challenging the Pharisees and teachers of the law that had come to Him to try to trip Him up. He closely reflects what is said in Isaiah 29:13: ‘These people come near to me with their mouth and honour me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.’

What Jesus was trying to get across to them was that worship is not about just paying lip service. He explains that it is what comes out of a person’s lips that makes them unclean because it is out of the overflow of his heart that a man speaks. This is a sobering thought and prompts me to ask – what are you like when no one is looking? In church, even at work, we can put on a show of behaving like Christians and yet, behind closed doors, the reality can be very different. Ironically, the one that we profess to follow and worship sees it all – and knows us to the very depths of our beings. What He wants from us is a walk of worship that is full of integrity day in day out.

‘Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be.’ (James 3:10) This verse reveals to me that part of our daily worship is to keep a check on our tongues, possibly because I know it is an area that I need to work on further! Words of healing but also words that cut and hurt can come out of the very same mouth at various times in a day, but here we are being reminded that there is something vitally wrong with this.

Prayer: Use the following psalm as a prayer. ‘May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.’ (Psalm 19:14)

 

God reveals; we respond

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sky-and-sun

‘The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge.’

Reflections based on Psalm 19:1–11

Going back through the books I have on worship, I was struck once more by how many of them focused on worship as a response to what we know about God. This makes so much sense as it is only out of revelation that we can make a heartfelt response. And yet how often do we try and worship out of a dry and unfed bank of revelation? One writer simply suggested that if we aren’t very good at worshipping it’s because we don’t know our God very well. Ouch. I know there are seasons in which worshipping is harder, and we will look at that specifically later on, but there is a basic truth to what they said.

So where should we go to find out more about God? His Word is the obvious place and a great starting point is the psalms, such as the one we’ve read today. It’s there that we learn of the absolute awesomeness of God and yet, more than that, are reminded that He knows even the number of hairs on our heads and wants a personal relationship with us. What incredible truths!

Spend some time soaking those truths in. The more science discovers about the universe the more we can be in awe of the God who, as Graham Kendrick’s song ‘The Servant King’ so beautifully describes, ‘flung the stars into space’*. And yet He also knows every intimate detail of our lives and wants to spend time with us.

I love the way that Psalm 19 paints such a vivid picture of how God’s own creation literally pulsates with the truth about Him – that everything reveals His glory. It also reveals how God’s laws and commands are ordered and right. That to me shows His care for humanity.

Meditation: Sit quietly and write down some of the things this psalm reveals to you about God. Try and write a response in the form of a prayer, thank you letter, psalm or song.

*Graham Kendrick Copyright © 1983 Thankyou Music/Adm. by Capitol CMG Publishing worldwide excl. UK & Europe, adm. by Integritymusic.com, a division of David C Cook songs@integritymusic.com Used by Permission.

Life is short…

Memorial services are great for bringing perspective.

I recently attended one for a dear guy who, at one stage of our lives, was extremely instrumental in our continuing faith journey. He was the first small group leader we had in the church we attended more than 20 years ago. We’ve since moved on from that church, moving home to help start another church in a nearby community.

What shocked us about this situation was that his death was sudden – and he was so young (just four years older than my husband). So there we were, a group of people that had come back together from various corners of the country to celebrate and acknowledge the life of this unassuming man who had had an impact on us.

He had been a somewhat clumsy, awkward guy, but so friendly and gentle. Everyone who paid tribute to him recognised those qualities. But they also talked about his absolute assurance of the truth of the gospel. Although a scientist, he had had no problem marrying his faith with scientific fact, and his faith had been the stronger for it.

As I sat listening to people speaking that day, I suddenly heard a gentle whisper:

What would people be saying if it were you? How would people describe you?

I know that the word ‘gentle’ would certainly not be among the words used. Unfortunately that’s not a natural character trait for me…

But would there be the things I would hope for, such as: kind, loyal, honest, authentic, faith-filled, inspiring, encouraging? Or would there be, as I suspect I’m viewed as currently: over-busy, stressed, aloof, overbearing, difficult to approach, emotional?

I know I’m overstating the case somewhat, but sitting there that day made me take stock:

What is it I’m investing my time and efforts in, and are they worthwhile?

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