Tag: forgiveness

Working hard for our ‘happily ever after’

I am delighted to welcome Fiona Banes from Time for Marriage to my blog continuing our series based on seeing God’s grace in marriages. Here she describes how her and husband Andy were going through the motions, despondent that ‘happily ever after’ wasn’t happening, when a marriage enrichment weekend literally changes their lives.

As a teenager I was obsessed with romance. I was desperate to fall in love and live happily ever after. I didn’t date many guys and, when I did, I quickly knew that they weren’t ‘the one’…until I met Andy. He was funny, handsome, engaging and I could talk to him about anything. As we dated, we quickly became best friends and within weeks were talking of marriage and spending the rest of our lives together…happily ever after.

THE BUBBLE BURST

Within 18 months we were married and within six months of that, the shock started to settle in that actually this might not be ‘happily ever after’. It probably wasn’t going to be eternal romance and him sweeping me off my feet. We were surprised to discover that as well as our similarities, we also had differences and things we simply didn’t agree on. 

I’m a bit messy and Andy is tidy so when, six months into our marriage, I still hadn’t unpacked the boxes that I’d moved into his home, a source of tension crept in that has been something we’ve had to work on throughout our married lives. 

There have been other things too: I wear my heart on my sleeve whereas Andy was more private (he’s learned to be more open!). So, I began to tell people that I wasn’t very much enjoying married life, much to Andy’s embarrassment, and occasionally I told people I wasn’t sure I’d married the right guy! We had absolutely no idea how to do marriage.

BEING INTENTIONAL

Things settled down for a while and then we had kids. They came 18 months apart, crying, not sleeping, on the go all the time, just after we’d moved away from our hometown and support network, and Andy had just set up his own business. I hit postnatal depression and we quickly settled into a kind of sibling relationship where we argued over who had looked after the kids longest and barely tolerated each other. The shattered dreams of ‘happily ever after’ turned into wanting out of a marriage that was making each of us miserable. So, we had a conversation about separating. However, we knew that neither of us would cope with the kids on our own, so we decided to stay together. 

The intentionality of that decision made us realise that we needed to start to put more effort into our relationship. Slowly things improved and we were surprised to find ourselves celebrating ten years of marriage – an ‘OK’ marriage. So, I thought it would be great to go on a marriage enrichment weekend and learn some skills to enhance our marriage. Andy thought it would be WAY more fun to go to the Caribbean!  Fortunately, we got to do both.  

A CHANGE OF DIRECTION

The marriage enrichment weekend not only transformed our marriage but, in the long run, changed our lives. The weekend was soaked in the Holy Spirit and during each session, we were encouraged to ask ourselves what’s God’s plan for us was. We remembered what we loved about each other and dreamed a vision for what our relationship could be like in the future. Not an idealistic, unrealistic dream, but a commitment to making our relationship the best it could be. 

We came away with a deep connection on a solid foundation that would protect our marriage and see us through years to come. Friends and family were blown away by the difference in us and went on marriage weekends to see what it would do for their own marriages. Eventually we got involved and took over leadership of the marriage organisation running the weekends, which is now called Time for Marriage.

LESSONS LEARNED

Naturally, since our marriage was magically transformed, everything has been a breeze. I joke, obviously. We have had, and continue to have, seasons of challenge in our marriage. We are growing, evolving and changing humans and must adapt to each other’s changes. The foundation of commitment and the tools we have learned have made us do the work to ensure each other and our marriage flourishes. Marriage is HARD work, but it is also an incredible gift to live life with your best friend by your side.

Some things we’ve learned along the way:

Communication is key When we listen and try to understand (with an objective of really ‘getting into each other’s shoes’), we can meet each other’s needs and move forward. 

Fun Often when we don’t feel great about life, it’s because we’ve lost a sense of fun. Maybe we need to schedule some date time into our diaries. For us, having fun brings about a sense of connection and it can be as simple as a cheeky G&T on the sofa in our kitchen on a weeknight.

Forgiveness is vital On our marriage weekend, we were able to forgive each other all the past grudges we had held that had built up over the ten years. We also got into a habit of forgiving each other quickly after that. This has helped us move forward quickly when we fall out…because we do fall out – that’s married life for you.

Kindness is the ultimate way of showing love to each other I realised several years ago that I’m not always very kind to Andy. It was a real revelation thath I’ve been working on ever since. Two years ago, Andy experienced bereavement and the pursuit of kindness meant that I was able to support him in a way that made him feel profoundly loved during that season.

Accept that change is here to stay We are evolving humans. Life is messy. If we can accept that change will happen then we can become more resilient towards dealing with difficulties when they hit us. Fortunately, seasons come and go, so it’s unlikely each current situation will stay forever.

Fiona Banes is Executive Director of Time for Marriage alongside husband Andy. They’ve been married 28 years and have two grown up children and a grandson. Time for Marriage runs marriage enrichment weekends across the UK and overseas and also online. These weekends are an opportunity for couples to discover God’s plan for their marriage. They are also SYMBIS practitioners.

Who’s in control?

I am delighted to welcome author Fiona Lloyd to the Unmasked: stories of authenticity blog series. Having also worn an ‘I’m in control’ mask, much of what she shares resonated deeply with me – and the lessons she has learned are full of wisdom pertinent for all of us seeking to walk with God each day…

I’ve spent my professional life wearing a mask. As a teacher, I discovered early on that letting my feelings show was likely to result in ridicule rather than sympathy, and I quickly learned how to disguise my nervousness and anxiety by projecting a calm exterior. Much as I’d like to blame my erstwhile pupils for my desire to be in control, however, they were only reinforcing a habit that had been honed over many years.

A LEARNED BEHAVIOUR

As the eldest of three children, I constantly felt under pressure to set an example. I was academically able, and drove myself to excel as far as I could. Underneath the studious façade, though, was a shy and reserved little girl who lacked the social confidence of her more gregarious siblings, and felt easily intimidated by the banter of her louder classmates. I developed a fear of unpredictable situations, preferring to put myself in settings where I could feel in control of things.

Often, I attempted to mask my insecurities by being overly competitive, but this in turn resulted in a fear of failure, so that I hated to play any game where I stood a good chance of losing. My driven nature and desire for control had not equipped me to cope with the notion of being proved second-best (or worse). And when I didn’t achieve at the level I’d set for myself, I became hugely self-critical.

BECOMING VULNERABLE

I was in my late twenties – and a new mum – when I became aware of God gently picking away at my mask. I’d gone from being a teacher with responsibility for 200 pupils each week to someone whose life was focused around the needs of one small (and very noisy) baby. Suddenly, I didn’t have all the answers anymore, and – without the requirement to keep myself together at work – I realised I needed to allow myself to be vulnerable. With the support of my husband, I spent time receiving prayer ministry from Christian friends, and started to tackle the pressures and beliefs that had contributed to my mask of control.

This was a difficult and painful experience: it’s something of a miracle in itself that I asked for help in the first place, and even more of a miracle that I agreed to return after the first session. Childhood hurts and disappointments had to be faced and dealt with: my natural inclination is to push things under the surface, so this required a complete change of tack. I also had to let go of my reluctance to be beholden to others and make an active choice to be dependent on God.

The change in me has been both dramatic and slow-burning. Those first few sessions led to me sensing God’s loving presence in such a deep and tangible way that I almost floated home afterwards. But I’ve also had to learn that walking with Jesus is about making good choices on an ongoing basis. It’s one thing to forgive X today, but part of that decision means doing my best not to revisit that particular offence tomorrow. This doesn’t mean that past hurts are always instantly healed – some scars are still tender – but being willing to be part of an ongoing process of forgiveness is immensely freeing.

LEARNING TO TRUST OTHERS

A major factor in letting go of my ‘in control’ mask was learning to trust both God and other people. This felt easy when I was on a spiritual high, but when God seemed more distant, or when fellow Christians let me down, I tended to panic and reach for my mask. Understanding that faith grows and matures in the lean times was a difficult lesson (and one I forget all too easily).

However, as I’ve spent less time hiding behind the safety of my mask, I’ve noticed that people are drawn to vulnerability. In my head, I’ve always wanted to be someone who could help others by being calm and in control as I doled out wise advice, and I’ve been slow to recognise that a toughened exterior tends to discourage others from sharing their needs. This feels super-scary – and goes against all my natural instincts – but it appears that God’s strength really is made perfect in my weakness.

Fiona Lloyd is vice-chair of the Association of Christian Writers, and is married with three grown-up children. Her first novel, The Diary of a (trying to be holy) Mum, was published by Instant Apostle on 18 January 2018.

Fiona has also had short stories published in Woman Alive and Writers’ News, and has written articles for Christian Writer and Together Magazine. Fiona works part time as a music teacher, and is a member of the worship team at her local church.

You can follow Fiona on Twitter: @FionaJLloyd & @FionaLloyd16

Love is… forgiveness and grace

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steveand-i-christmas2016I am sharing this post today to commemorate National Marriage Week as well as Valentine’s Day. I know that the latter is an over-commercialised event, but my husband and I grab it as an opportunity to take time out to spend with one another. I also wanted to share this post as it my story of grace – which is the subject of my friend James’ new book, Mosaic of Grace, released yesterday (you can check it out here). What I share below is taken from my own book, which will be published later this year. I first wrote this for Amy Boucher Pye’s Forgiveness Fridays blog, but feel it is an appropriate way to celebrate my own marriage today. If it weren’t for my husband’s forgiveness and grace extended towards me there is no way we would still be journeying together today…

 

Our lives were shattered – lying about in little pieces on the floor. And the worst thing was that it was pretty much all down to me. I had chosen to believe the lies, especially the one that whispered that my husband didn’t care about me. I believed it because he worked around the clock in a recording studio and there was little left of him when he was at home. I believed it because my heart was hurting and I was lonely…

Vulnerable and foolish

As a woman who had grown up with self-esteem issues, I didn’t deal well with feeling abandoned. When I came before God with my feelings that I didn’t matter to my husband, His answer was that He wanted to take care of me and show me how to lean on Him completely. But I threw it back in His face. I needed someone who could hug me – and God just didn’t seem physical enough at the time.

But this put me in danger of allowing my emotional needs to be fed by other sources. Eventually, a friendship with another man in my church, which had started innocently enough, resulted with us deciding to leave everything behind and to start a new life together. With our actions we devastated the lives of my husband, the man’s wife and all the other members of our close-knit church community.

Lost

Two weeks later he chose to go back to his wife. I was left reeling, feeling totally deserted – but also knowing I deserved it all. Tellingly, it was my husband whom I rang once the other guy left. After all, my husband had been my best friend since I was a teenager so it seemed natural and I called him without thinking. How hard it must have been for him to take me back home, watch me huddled in the foetal position, sobbing endlessly. The next day he moved me, and a lot of my belongings, to my parents’ home where I was to stay until I had healed enough to discover what was next for my life.

I had lost everything by wrongfully pinning my hopes on another human being rather than God. And I was like a wounded animal at times – licking my wounds, lashing out, wanting to be left alone. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for my husband going home, getting up for work each day and not knowing whether our marriage was salvageable.

Of course, we had deep issues that needed dealing with within our marriage. But I had to get to a place, first, of believing there was a future there. That I could look past all the years of hurt and misunderstanding and repent as well as forgive, and move on.

A taste of real love

When my husband visited me, at times I felt a little suffocated, as I knew he was trying his best to win me back. But, most of the time, he was gracious, gentle and loving, knowing also when to give me space. How he responded to me during that horrific time of limbo taught me what real love is. He showed me Jesus’ love for me in a very tangible way.

I had used him terribly – basically turned my back on him – and all our friends knew about it. And yet he was there, whenever I felt I could see him, a solid anchor who remained firm. He showed me that, even though I had done the worst thing I could to him, his love for me hadn’t faltered. He proved, over and over again, that he wanted our marriage to work.

Yes, we had counselling. And yes, we both had to face up to our failings, to understand the responsibility we had for one another and the changes that needed to occur. But his gentle patience during that time melted my hardened, broken heart. Even after I was back home, there would be moments when I would be wracked with emotional pain all over again and he would just hold me, caring for me through the tears.

Salvation through sacrifice

I know it must have been so, so excruciatingly difficult for him, and he certainly laid down his life for me. He also spoke to his bosses about what was going on, and the result was a miracle: studios always work around the clock but they agreed to put into practise the unheard of rule that the studio my husband ran would close by 8pm. Yes, his sacrifice saved our marriage – and revealed another layer of God’s love to me in such a powerful way.

Although this period of time was more than 16 years ago now, I can’t help but think of my husband’s loving sacrifice anytime I ponder the concept of forgiveness. You can read more of our story, and the passion for authentic openness that it birthed inside of me, in my forthcoming book: Taking off the mask: learning to live authentically.

Francine Rivers on writing, faith and her new book

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Bridge to haven coverFrancine Rivers has written over 20 bestselling Christian-themed novels (winning numerous awards), and regular readers eagerly anticipate each new publication. Her latest, Bridge to Haven certainly will not disappoint.

Based in 1950s Hollywood, it is the story of Abra and her journey to find true love and acceptance. Abandoned at birth and never truly finding her place in her home town of Haven, the naïve young woman is vulnerable to the charms of the fast-talking rich boy who lures her away to Hollywood.

Once there, Abra soon learns what is expected of a girl with ambitions of fame. The price she pays is huge, but Abra has burned every bridge to get exactly what she thought she wanted and feels trapped as a consequence. If she were honest with herself she’d realise all she wants is a way back home…

I had the great opportunity of being able to ask Francine about the inspiration behind her new novel – and what she hopes her readers will glean from it:

You have written about such varied subjects – a retelling of Hosea; the persecution of Christians in Roman gladiator times; the tradition of the sin-eater in 1850s Appalachia. Each one of them is written so expertly it seems that you must have immersed yourself in the subject. How do you go about researching each new topic?

“Almost every story begins with a question or issue with which I’m struggling, and each story seems to dictate the time in which it needs to be told. For example, when I was struggling with the question of how to share my faith with unsaved family and friends who didn’t want to hear anything about Jesus, I thought of the early martyrs who died in Roman arenas. The result was A Voice in the Wind.

“The Scarlet Thread came from a study of sovereignty and a cross-country trip several friends and I took, following the Oregon Trail. Local museums showed story after story of people setting off to find a better life. Hardship and tragedy followed them across the prairie – along with the question: who is in control of our lives?

“What is the difference between guilt and conviction was a question that fit the Appalachian highlands custom of sin eating, a practice brought over in the early days from Scotland and Wales. The result was The Last Sin Eater. And The Shofar Blew came out of questions on how to build a church in modern times amidst massive building projects that often destroy congregations.

“In each case, once the time and place are set, it’s a matter of immersing myself in the time period, finding good books, finding pictures, making binders with dividers between subject matter – what people wore, what their homes and daily lives were like, the political atmosphere, music, customs, etc. I even listen to music that fits the time period while I’m working. The writing process is a quest for answers and a journey with characters that become real people to me. Writing a story is my way of worshipping and praising the Lord.”

To read the rest of my interview with Francine, please click here and for a review of the book please click here. pic_full_Rivers_Francine