I am delighted to welcome Fiona Banes from Time for Marriage to my blog continuing our series based on seeing God’s grace in marriages. Here she describes how her and husband Andy were going through the motions, despondent that ‘happily ever after’ wasn’t happening, when a marriage enrichment weekend literally changes their lives.
As a teenager I was obsessed with romance. I was desperate to fall in love and live happily ever after. I didn’t date many guys and, when I did, I quickly knew that they weren’t ‘the one’…until I met Andy. He was funny, handsome, engaging and I could talk to him about anything. As we dated, we quickly became best friends and within weeks were talking of marriage and spending the rest of our lives together…happily ever after.
THE BUBBLE BURST
Within 18 months we were married and within six months of that, the shock started to settle in that actually this might not be ‘happily ever after’. It probably wasn’t going to be eternal romance and him sweeping me off my feet. We were surprised to discover that as well as our similarities, we also had differences and things we simply didn’t agree on.
I’m a bit messy and Andy is tidy so when, six months into our marriage, I still hadn’t unpacked the boxes that I’d moved into his home, a source of tension crept in that has been something we’ve had to work on throughout our married lives.
There have been other things too: I wear my heart on my sleeve whereas Andy was more private (he’s learned to be more open!). So, I began to tell people that I wasn’t very much enjoying married life, much to Andy’s embarrassment, and occasionally I told people I wasn’t sure I’d married the right guy! We had absolutely no idea how to do marriage.
BEING INTENTIONAL
Things settled down for a while and then we had kids. They came 18 months apart, crying, not sleeping, on the go all the time, just after we’d moved away from our hometown and support network, and Andy had just set up his own business. I hit postnatal depression and we quickly settled into a kind of sibling relationship where we argued over who had looked after the kids longest and barely tolerated each other. The shattered dreams of ‘happily ever after’ turned into wanting out of a marriage that was making each of us miserable. So, we had a conversation about separating. However, we knew that neither of us would cope with the kids on our own, so we decided to stay together.
The intentionality of that decision made us realise that we needed to start to put more effort into our relationship. Slowly things improved and we were surprised to find ourselves celebrating ten years of marriage – an ‘OK’ marriage. So, I thought it would be great to go on a marriage enrichment weekend and learn some skills to enhance our marriage. Andy thought it would be WAY more fun to go to the Caribbean! Fortunately, we got to do both.
A CHANGE OF DIRECTION
The marriage enrichment weekend not only transformed our marriage but, in the long run, changed our lives. The weekend was soaked in the Holy Spirit and during each session, we were encouraged to ask ourselves what’s God’s plan for us was. We remembered what we loved about each other and dreamed a vision for what our relationship could be like in the future. Not an idealistic, unrealistic dream, but a commitment to making our relationship the best it could be.
We came away with a deep connection on a solid foundation that would protect our marriage and see us through years to come. Friends and family were blown away by the difference in us and went on marriage weekends to see what it would do for their own marriages. Eventually we got involved and took over leadership of the marriage organisation running the weekends, which is now called Time for Marriage.
LESSONS LEARNED
Naturally, since our marriage was magically transformed, everything has been a breeze. I joke, obviously. We have had, and continue to have, seasons of challenge in our marriage. We are growing, evolving and changing humans and must adapt to each other’s changes. The foundation of commitment and the tools we have learned have made us do the work to ensure each other and our marriage flourishes. Marriage is HARD work, but it is also an incredible gift to live life with your best friend by your side.
Some things we’ve learned along the way:
Communication is key When we listen and try to understand (with an objective of really ‘getting into each other’s shoes’), we can meet each other’s needs and move forward.
Fun Often when we don’t feel great about life, it’s because we’ve lost a sense of fun. Maybe we need to schedule some date time into our diaries. For us, having fun brings about a sense of connection and it can be as simple as a cheeky G&T on the sofa in our kitchen on a weeknight.
Forgiveness is vital On our marriage weekend, we were able to forgive each other all the past grudges we had held that had built up over the ten years. We also got into a habit of forgiving each other quickly after that. This has helped us move forward quickly when we fall out…because we do fall out – that’s married life for you.
Kindness is the ultimate way of showing love to each other I realised several years ago that I’m not always very kind to Andy. It was a real revelation thath I’ve been working on ever since. Two years ago, Andy experienced bereavement and the pursuit of kindness meant that I was able to support him in a way that made him feel profoundly loved during that season.
Accept that change is here to stay We are evolving humans. Life is messy. If we can accept that change will happen then we can become more resilient towards dealing with difficulties when they hit us. Fortunately, seasons come and go, so it’s unlikely each current situation will stay forever.
Fiona Banes is Executive Director of Time for Marriage alongside husband Andy. They’ve been married 28 years and have two grown up children and a grandson. Time for Marriage runs marriage enrichment weekends across the UK and overseas and also online. These weekends are an opportunity for couples to discover God’s plan for their marriage. They are also SYMBIS practitioners.