Tag: writing

The fickleness of freelance life…

6 Comments

This week is stretching before me as a long, black hole of nothingness, making me feel somewhat fed up and disillusioned. Why? (And yes I know I’m being overdramatic – but that’s how I’m feeling today. Please cut me some slack.) Because only a few weeks ago I was busy – far too busy – writing for various clients, enjoying new opportunities and so so grateful to God for allowing my career to develop in such a way. But the life of a freelancer is rather fickle and here I am with only unpaid work to do for the foreseeable future. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the chance to write for everyone that I do write for, and I know that each piece I do is helping to create my portfolio, and ‘gets my name out there’ (a very strange concept I still struggle with!). But for someone like me, who yes, loves to write, but is also doing it in order to help pay the bills, having weeks with no paid work is really frustrating. And it also immediately raises questions in my mind – ‘am I really good enough?’; ‘have people decided they don’t like my writing?’. I know, in my rational head, that it isn’t down to me when opportunities dry up – more often than not it is due to budgets or the fact that there are so many other writers out there trying to do the same thing. But in my irrational head there can be a torrent of self-doubt that threatens to flood my very soul…

I know, over and above everything, that the opportunities that have come my way have been granted by God. I also know that it is in these leaner times that I have to believe and trust that God has my back – He knows where the next paying job is coming from and He isn’t going to lead me so far just to let me fall flat on my face. I also know I’m not the only freelancer to feel like this. It goes with the territory. Just last night I was with all our neighbours for a Jubilee Street Party planning meeting and one lady was talking about how next week is pay day, just in time for the long weekend. I can’t remember the last time I was paid my wages regularly, so that I knew both the amount that was coming in every month and which day it would appear. That is one of the benefits that you give up when you become freelance. I’m not moaning about that, as I feel that freelance life is perfect for me and my family. However, it can be frustrating when you do a piece of work but then have to wait months to be paid for it. Let’s face it – some clients are really good at paying, and others aren’t. But, again, I need to trust God that He knows what money I still have owed to me – and He knows what my family needs in order to survive. I’m very much a person who likes to be in control, and also likes ‘doing’ – so that I feel I’ve contributed. So perhaps I’ve been called to this fickle freelance life because it constantly changes and, in doing so, knocks the rough edges of self-sufficiency and control freakishness off of me. I don’t like it when I don’t know where the next job will come from; I don’t like it when I don’t know if I’ll be paid for any work this month or not. And yet, I’m still very grateful to be able to do a job that I love, that I believe utilises God-given talents in me. So, I will pick myself up, speak to my soul, and get on and do every piece of work I have this week to the best of my ability…

Is my life about promoting God…or myself?

4 Comments

I have steered clear about directly commenting here on the raging debate that occurred as a result of Driscoll’s interview in Christianity. I have written a few comments on other people’s blog responses, however, and it is the whole idea of celebrity Christianity that has stuck with me, and many others too. As a newbie writer I am held in that tension of wanting/needing to promote myself but it is far too easy to get caught up in the whole process of trying to get yourself known. As a Christian isn’t that beside the point? It’s all about dying to self and revealing the wisdom and glory of God through the way we live. I know when you make your living from an industry that hardly ever takes notice of unknowns there is an inevitability about trying to promote yourself to a certain degree. But the celebrity culture we have in western Christianity today is quite strange and there is something in the recent debate that we should probably be very grateful for – it has made a lot of us uncomfortable and made us turn to look at our motives once again.

Here’s what I wrote in response to one helpful blogger (and then thought it could quite easily be a posting on my own blog…so here it is! 🙂 ):

As a new-ish writer I’m always so excited about new contacts I meet, but also get really frustrated when I see what a small world the Christian media world can be – and because I’m not that known I can be overlooked. I was having a little moan to God about this one day when I was suddenly stopped in my tracks – I read something a well-known worship leader wrote a few years ago but it was as if God himself was talking to me, reminding me that I’m called to be faithful where I’m at. Chasing after status can so easily distract you from the needs that are right in front of you. As a busy mum, church/worship leader, school governor etc I come across needs all the time. Am I doing all I can to serve those right in front of me or have I started to get impatient when someone starts taking up too much of ‘my’ time? Time I could be spending researching and writing? And why do I get disappointed when I read someone with a ‘name’ writing on a subject I know I could write on easily – or have pitched similarly in the past but was turned down? I have to remind myself to be grateful for every single opening God does provide for me, and juggle that with my other responsibilities closer to home. And yes, when you do have a platform of any sort at all there comes an added responsiblity. I have been writing about family issues, marriage and worship leading in the last week. But if I take a look at my own marriage, family, worship of God and discipleship of the worship team I am responsible for do those hold up to the same scrutiny I’m asking other people to do in my writing? The last thing I want to be is a hypocrite – and yet I think there are times that I am.

I think perhaps the thing we all need to bear in mind is that our lives, and our works, will be refined through the fire – and those things that were not of lasting, eternal worth will be burned up. Are we seeking after and promoting those things that will stand up to that test? God says that when we feed or clothe one of the least of them we are feeding or clothing Him – is that something we always remember or are we eager to get through that aspect of our ‘ministry’ so that we can turn our attention back to something that we feel will benefit us, or our careers? It is horrible to write that down in black and white and then read it back – and I’m sure that is not how any of us set out. But, honestly, when I’m tired and juggling too many things my patience and humility is in short supply and I guess there is a small element of that in the way I perceive things. If this whole Driscoll episode causes some of us to re-evaluate and re-prioritise then some good will have come as a result. Whether we agreed with him or not, were offended or not, isn’t the point. Can we look at our lives and be happy with the way they are going in terms of promoting God and His kingdom, rather than our own statuses and agendas?

 

Is He getting through to you?

I have become uncomfortably aware that God is obviously trying to get through to me, and using any means possible because I haven’t been listening too well recently. Everywhere I’ve looked, through conversations I’ve had – and even in my kids’ toddler bible notes – I’ve been hit with the story of Martha and Mary again, in particular of being too busy to hear God. Throw in some comments on keeping a lid on those careless words that can come out of our mouths so easily and that about sums up the simple, but exceedingly important, message He’s been trying to get me to listen to. A horrific morning with my kids (while my husband enjoyed a church men’s breakfast of course!) really brought things to a head – I found myself screaming at my daughter and then breaking down and I realised the way I handle my kids when they push all my buttons is not healthy in the slightest. After we’d worked through it, I’d said my sorry and they’d apologised for the things they’d done wrong we sat down for a late breakfast and yes, that’s when the Martha/Mary story appeared again. I can find it quite ironic now my writing work has picked up, that I’m writing pieces about spiritual disciplines/prioritising so God isn’t pushed out and yet I’m getting less and less time to spend with Him myself. Surely He’s the source of everything – where all my ideas and creativity should be coming from. And yet… trying to keep up with all the news, online debates and deadlines means He often gets pushed to the back, becoming a spectator in my life rather than the driving force behind it. I am fascinated by some of the really huge debates that people have been grappling with recently – and they have certainly made me think (particularly when I don’t think I have a coherent enough answer in my head for why I don’t agree with some of the postings). But I have this little voice nudging at me every so often, making me realise that to be able to say anything of worth both in these debates and in my writing I need to take a step back and mull things over with God Himself. It is crazy that sometimes I feel like I just don’t have the time to do that – but that’s honestly what has gone through my head at times. This week I read Jill Briscoe’s comments about how hard it was when her kids were young and Stuart was travelling so much – and about how bitter she got. And that resonated with me. Not because my husband is away from home – the positive difference it has made to our family life with him becoming a pastor rather than sticking with his record producing career has been incredible. But I can get fed up and, yes, bitter at times when I see others being able to go to conferences at the drop of a hat, being able to network more than I can yet and also when my husband can just focus on one thing and shut everything else out when my office door always has to be open to our kids whatever deadline I am up against. And yet this is my life, my path – the things I believe God has called me to. So why can’t I learn to stop fretting and trying to do it all in my own strength and spend a little time drawing aside with God so that He can give me the grace – and everything else I need – to do it to the best of my ability?

Entering an office again…

Next week I have the privilege of commencing a month’s work with Idea magazine as a consultant writer for them. For the first week I will be in-house every day learning the ropes, meeting everyone etc and after that will go in for meetings and when I can (as obviously I have little people to look after at home after school/pre-school!). I was really pleased when I was asked months ago if I would like to do this, and that feeling hasn’t changed – I’ve just experienced a few others alongside it! I was fine up until the point that my husband asked if I was nervous. I have been so busy finishing off editorial jobs, continuing research for articles due in January and trying to get on top of all the Christmas and birthday shopping that I hadn’t stopped to think. But when I was asked head on the answer had to be yes. It didn’t help when he said he would be petrified – having to meet all those new people, work in an office and ‘perform’ as it were – be enthusiastic, forthcoming with ideas, creative etc. I guess that is all on my mind – mainly because I want to be the help they obviously need for this month, and want to do my best/make a good impression etc. But after almost 12 years of working from home I wonder how I will fit into the office environment again. Part of me is really looking forward to the commute – to having time to myself to read and ponder (all you mums out there will know what precious little time there is for that these days…). Another part is having to gear myself up for the hour’s journey before I can sit down and do any work – I’m so used to a 30-second commute to my office! And I’m wondering how it will impact my relationship with my kids over the next month. I know I was over stressed finishing off the last job I did, and trying to do that at a weekend with all the family in the house was really really hard. But knowing I will be leaving the house before they are even dressed and only getting back at dinner time is going to be so so strange. I am going to try and ensure I am back to eat with them and do bath time and bed time stories but it is still going to be so far from the norm it will seem weird. I know I can struggle and moan about the difficult juggling act I have trying to fit in working around taking and picking up kids from school, going to playgroups, taking my eldest to ballet and the various church responsibilities I have, but I do realise I am so blessed to be able to work part time from home and still be there to do all those things. I am hoping to learn more about what it is like for the majority of working mums this week, so that when I do write about that juggling act I don’t say things that are patronising. I know I have it much easier than many others – but that’s not to say it’s not a challenge. And this month will be a new and different type of challenge. I have so enjoyed the opportunities God has opened up for me this year, and it is great to use my brain again to converse on a professional level with adults rather than simply take part in child activities. I just hope my brain is up to the change in ratio between those two things! ;D

 

A positive turn of events…

I seem to start all my entries these days with phrases such as ‘I know it has been a long time’… and here I am at it again! The last few weeks have been gruelling – not due to work, which I am afraid has had to sit on the back burner. I’ve simply been getting through each day – and night. The virus that is going around hit our household big time, and my youngest has been up night after night. Sleep deprivation is something I find so so difficult, and I admit I was getting pretty down. It didn’t help when, after our newly introduced family DVD night, he slipped and cut open his chin – the second trip to A&E with him! But last night he slept through for the first time in weeks – yay! And even more positive is that my attitude and conversations with God had changed before then! 😉 I don’t know if it was because it was such a beautiful, crisp day yesterday, but I found myself walking to my mum and toddler group full of thankfulness about the blessings God has poured on me. Okay, life had been tough – but I have two beautiful children, a wonderful husband and I’m making my way in a career that I love and can fit around family life. When I got home I was greeted by a message to say I had some more editorial work offered – to edit Jeff Lucas’ new book (which I found rather exciting!). I also suddenly realised an article I’m working on has the potential to be developed into a great book too, and managed to chat this through with a publisher. I made some great contacts for that too yesterday and, on top of that, feel that God just ‘dropped’ an idea for another piece of writing into my head. I was soooo excited yesterday afternoon and was brimming over with information that I just ‘had’ to share with my poor husband, who was trying to concentrate on his work in another room of the house! Well, if he will work from home too what does he expect?! 🙂 After calming down I had time for reflection and realised that, in less than a year, God has really helped me develop my career in a totally different direction. The contacts I have had for years in the publishing industry just seem to no longer get in touch with me. I was quite down about that for a while – after my first child they carried on giving me work, but after my second it was becoming a huge slog to find work with them – they blamed the economic climate and I know that is true, but I also know not being available full time had a lot to do with it (even though I have never missed a deadline and they have always been happy with my work). But now I realise God was making room for the writing and editing work He had in store for me. I have a lot of editorial work, but it is all with new Christian clients and I’m loving it! I have also had some real encouragements with my writing – people coming back to me about ideas I submitted back in the summer, accepting some straight off and changing their mind about others! I’ve now got some new book ideas too, which is wonderful because I really felt like I wanted to write another book but wasn’t quite sure what direction to take that in. There are still magazines I really want to have articles in that I haven’t managed to yet, and that is quite frustrating, but I feel like I’m now writing about the subjects closest to my heart and that I actually feel I have something of worth to say about. I realise what a great privilege that is, and am so grateful to God…

‘Googling your mind’

Last Saturday I had the privilege of attending the Association of Christian Writers’ (ACW) 40th anniversary. Adrian Plass was the guest speaker. As you may expect, he was amusing, challenging and, for me, a little controversial at the same time. I have come away, however, fascinated by one of the exercises that he got us to do. The concept is ‘googling your mind’. He said that we are so used to researching on the Internet these days that we often forget we have a wealth of knowledge and information inside of ourselves. Sometimes it is a really useful exercise to ‘google’ our minds by thinking of a subject and brainstorming it – writing down everything that immediately comes to mind without thinking about it. He got us to choose one subject (from a selection of ‘home’, ‘ACW’, ‘church’). I decided to google ‘church’ and was very interested in the list of contradictions/opposites that came out! I think it truly reflects my experience as a pastor’s wife – rightly or wrongly this is what church is for me today…

Family, My life, A safe haven, Work, Expectation, Pressure, Worship, Fun, Hard work, All ages, A place for the community, Inescapable, Neverending problems, People with attitude desperate to share…
God’s hope for the world – His choice. There is no back-up plan…
Where I belong.
Those who put their shoulder to the wheel next to me versus those along for the ride.
God’s bride – being made beautiful.
A place of beauty and of pain.
Somewhere to be myself – even when I don’t want to be.
Broken people needing God.
A place were we can achieve more together than alone.

It really made me stop and think. The church isn’t perfect, but that is because it is made up of human beings! However it is God’s vehicle; the way He has chosen to reach a desperately needy world…

If you have never ‘googled your mind’ why not try it yourself today? It would also make a really interesting icebreaker at a small group – you can choose anything to get people to brainstorm. I’ll leave you with another couple of subject suggestions from Adrian: ‘Am I the only one…?’ or ‘Long ago at school…’.

A chance to slow down

I know I haven’t written here for a while, and that is because life was much more manic over the school holidays than I was expecting. It has been wonderful to have much more writing and editorial work – things have really picked up – but trying to juggle that as well as the kids being home all the time has been difficult. I know there have been times when I have been short-tempered, stressed up to my eye balls and the hard part is when you know you have a deadline there isn’t much you can do – the work needs to be done. The reason I started working again was threefold really – I had felt God told me to start writing more and then some opportunities suddenly arose, since the recession we have definitely needed some extra input financially, and I have also really enjoyed concentrating on something other than kids’ stuff. Part of me is definitely fulfilled by all this – and I know I am meant to be doing it. But not at the expense of my kids and that’s been a really difficult thing to try and balance.

I noticed particularly on holiday that things had been pretty askew. I had piously posted on someone else’s site that I was so looking forward to my holiday as I usually have a chance to really spend time journalling and talking with God about those things I hadn’t had time to in the previous busy months. But, of course, that didn’t happen this time round. We were at a wonderful place, but didn’t spend too much time there as we had full days out and about. What I did really enjoy was the focused time with my kids, doing all the fun things we had saved up our tesco vouchers to pay for! And I realised that when I came back I wanted to be able to put things more in balance.

I can’t pretend that I’ve worked out the answer – it has really appeared itself due to my son’s age. But this week he started pre-school and I have made a real effort to work hard in the few hours of the day he isn’t here, and stopped trying to loads of other things when the kids are back around and instead have taken time to do activities with them. So far we’ve had worship parties (dancing about like crazy people and singing at the tops of our voices), pretended a duvet is our home and snuggled under it for ages and made wooden dolls. I don’t know if I’ll be able to compartmentalise my life so neatly throughout the year – I’m sure there will be times of extra work busyness – but I’m so grateful for the chance to slow down and at least try to start the term off in the way I hope to continue…

Man I thought I was over this…

2 Comments

This week I have been struggling a little with self-pity syndrome. Silly I know – distasteful to me too, and really rather annoying because I know part of it is due to the change in my emotions that occur with the monthly shift of hormone levels too. I spend a fair amount of time with women younger than me, in a friendship capacity but also a discipleship one. And I find time and time again that it is the issue of a poor self-image that crops up. It just seems to be rife among young Christian women. I can understand why, given the way our culture and media bombard us with images that, rather than ‘doing their job’ and encouraging us to aspire to be like the women pictured, belittle us and make us feel somehow of less worth than others. I am glad that we don’t all rush out to spend money on trying to be like those photoshopped models, but nevertheless those images do take their toll. I know I have had to fight to fill my mind with the knowledge of who I am in Christ, of how he sees me, but I confess since having two children and speeding ever closer to the big 40, being around younger women, or those supermums who have managed to have kids and still retain no ounce of fat on their bodies, does make me ashamed of my physical body at times.

But it isn’t just the physical. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. I know that may come as a surprise to some, but I am still, at heart, a pretty shy person. I have to work hard to push myself through the barrier of wanting to just hide in a corner. I have worked particularly hard at it in church – just as well really as people do not expect a pastor’s wife to hide! Having lots of useful jobs helps – behind the scenes ones are my most comfortable but I am also happy leading worship and talking up the front now. However, put me in a situation that is fairly new to me, or where I am surrounded by much louder, more confident people, and I seem to shrivel a little. My natural instinct is to close down – especially if I try to speak up but someone louder speaks over me.

The reason for this week’s struggle is the age-old playground scenario. My daughter has a lovely bunch of friends, and the mums are nice too. However I am one of the quieter ones, and I can be ignored or overlooked at times. For the second time in recent weeks my daughter was one of the few not invited back to a friend’s house (actually this week she was the only one) and I was really upset for her. On top of that I learned that while I had been away last week they had arranged a group collection for the teachers and not included me. I thought I’d make a special effort and invite them all back after the kids break up on Friday, but one by one they texted back to say they had already arranged to go to the park. I really wished I hadn’t bothered at that point. Now my sensible hat knows that one of the mums knew I had bought a little something for the teachers already, so may have thought I didn’t need to be asked about the collection. And I also realise that I don’t always do the dropping off to school as my husband works nearby, so I probably just wasn’t around when they arranged the park. I don’t know if it is my ego, or my insecurity, but my reaction inside was to think that it isn’t that hard to think about who is missing from the group and send a quick text. So I immediately began to spiral and think that they obviously don’t think that much of me. My lack of worth was further emphasised to me when I read that two other writers were in the middle of writing for a publication that doesn’t seem to want me.

I’m not in the best place today, but I have been working hard to remind myself of who I am, of who loves me – and that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things! Even writing it down makes it seem rather petty – a bit silly – and yet, being honest to myself – and you – shows me that it has affected me this week.

It is hard when something you thought you had worked hard to conquer comes and seems to overtake you again – but I guess it is a good reminder that I can’t do things in my own strength so need to press into God more. He is the source of my life, goodness, sense of worth etc. Yes I feel sheepishly humbled – yet again – but at least it has reminded me that without him I can do nothing!

A whirlwind week

It has been a little while since I’ve been on here – mainly because life has reached whirlwind proportions. And the thoughts spinning around my head also have me reeling from their speed. So I’m trying to catch a moment to slow down and take stock. The last week has certainly been a varied one: I had my birthday, found out my mum was incredibly ill, had a terrible conversation with a magazine editor that left me wondering if Christians really can be that judgemental, shot down to see my mum in hospital, enjoyed a fantastic international day at church and also made some great new contacts with book and magazine publishers.

Each night I have fallen into bed late, absolutely exhausted, only to be denied sleep by my 2 year old, who really doesn’t seem to understand that waking up at night does not equate to coming to say hello to mummy, daddy and his sister! Even with the gate firmly fixed on his door he is still finding a way of keeping us all up at night. I look at him tearing around during each day and wonder where on earth he gets his energy from – and whether I could borrow some of it! In amongst the busyness, and emotional turmoil at times, I worry that I am so focused on different things I am not parenting to the best of my ability. I guess as parents we always have that nagging feeling – could we be doing things better? Are we juggling too much? Our society seems to only accept survivors – supermums who can spin every plate highly successfully and look fantastic at the same time!

That’s not really the reason for this entry though. I could write a series of blogs on that subject – and on the fact that while I believe in a God who can heal today, and have seen miracles in front of my eyes, one of those dearest to me – my own mum – continues to suffer pain from a debilitating disease day after day, year after year. I know suffering and healing are subjects I’m never going to fully understand, but I do have lots of questions I’m waiting to ask God when I do see him face to face! God does seem to have a way of turning things upside down – I travelled to see my mum expecting her to be hardly able to lift her head from her hospital bed but I was greeted by a beaming face as she had just had a chance to talk to a daughter of a patient about her faith and offered to pray for her. Gone was the downcast soul who had had enough of struggling with each breath and here was someone excited and vitalised by her faith once more. She said herself that every time she is in hospital she has such ‘divine encounters’ and that being there had lifted her spirit from the depth of despair. She is still physically in severe pain, but her spirit is back in line with her God.

All of this has made my own spirit go up and down. A high point was definitely yesterday at church where we celebrated the diversity of nationalities within our church. Sam Amara from Nigeria visited us and preached and we feasted on a wonderful array of dishes from around the world afterwards.

Yes it has definitely been a pretty crazy week. And today has continued to be crazy. I’m on my own for a few hours, for which I’m exceedingly grateful to my husband, but busy organising work and what I need to do before heading off to Brighton for the last Newfrontiers International Leaders’ Conference, Together on a Mission. I am excited about what God will do when we are all together – I just hope I manage to stay awake! ;D

The gift of parents

As I said in my last post, we went to HTB’s Relationship Central Conference last week. With two small children at home, I was only able to go because my parents kindly offered to stay with us and take on my role. They stayed on for a few more days in order to enjoy the weekend with us all, and to help me out further as I had a backlog of article writing I needed to focus on. Just having one clear day without constant ‘little person interruptions’ has enabled my stress levels to go right down as I now feel things are back to an achievable level. While I feel bad that I didn’t get to see my parents that much, we did manage to have a few fun evenings – and mum and I grabbed a couple of short girly shopping trips! They left this afternoon but all day I have been thinking about, and thanking God for, the blessing of parents. Not only are they happy to travel up and help whenever we need them to, my mum does a lot to lighten my load around the house too and my dad amuses my son whatever my mum and I are up to! And it is wonderful that my kids get to see their wider family fairly regularly, even though we aren’t local to one another. It brings a richness and vitality to their life – and stepping back from the hands on parenting gives me a chance to view my children from a slight distance, and the result is always fresh delight (okay the double meltdown that occurred after my parents left wasn’t great, but I am certain I handled better than I would have done usually). I have been challenged today as to whether my parents truly know how much I value their practical help, the love they show to me and my family and their words of wisdom. If you feel the same about your parents, do they know it too?