This is the start of what will be regular posts on marriage, as we look towards (and beyond) the launch of our book Grace-filled Marriage.

As we are easing slowly out of lockdown, now is a good time to reflect on whether you feel your marriage has been strengthened by the experience – or if you are feeling the strain. One of the ways you can gauge that is by asking whether you are showing compassion to you partner – and yourself.

I think it is important that we all acknowledge we have been affected by the past year, and that will undoubtedly have a knock-on effect on our closest relationships, including our marriage.

HEIGHTENED EMOTIONS

I am very aware of how close to the surface my emotions have become. I found it extremely helpful when I chatted to Dr Kate Middleton in preparation for an article I was writing for Premier Christianity magazine. She explained to me that: “Life is a bit like climbing a wall – you know where all the handholds are, so you can just do it without thinking. But the pandemic has knocked out every aspect of normal life. So you’re climbing a wall, but there are no handholds. And actually, the wall’s changed too. And every time you figure out how to climb it, there are new boulders or a handhold’s moved. It’s constant demand on your mind, which means that your stress baseline has risen.”

We all have a point where our mental and cognitive resources are about to be exceeded. With the baseline risen right up to near that crisis point, any little challenge in everyday life can tip us over into what is called “the overwhelm space”. Here, our brain “starts to close down anything that feels non-essential. So your ability to think clearly is dropped right down. You can’t focus. You can’t remember things as well. Your emotions are really close to the surface.” 

FEELING OVERWHELMED

Steve and I have both commented that our memories have worsened during this year. And what Kate said about emotions really describes me. Even after losing my mum just before lockdown, then coping with the added workload it meant for us as a family when my husband had to move the church services online, I seemed to be OK. I recognised I was grieving and made allowances for that. But then I was also so keen to ensure everyone in church felt connected that I worked myself too hard, and reached burnout by last summer.

I changed the pace, and thought I was doing OK again, but some recent difficulties we’ve been dealing with as a family have made me feel overwhelmed 99 per cent of the time. Nowadays I regularly say to my family: “remember I’m just below that overwhelm point – I could tip over at any point”. I recognise that that’s a cry from me, for them to consider showing compassion towards me.

LOSING IT

I would say that Steve and I have coped incredibly well with all that life has thrown at us and the community that we care for during the pandemic. We have worked well together, helped one another out and spent plenty of time lifting situations and people before God. And yet there have been moments when the stress has shown. We have both had difficulty sleeping – and have been quicker to lose our tempers (much more abnormal for Steve than me!).

One illustration of how my emotions keep spilling out of me was when we were planning the Easter service. Steve had overall responsibility for it, and was preaching, while I was leading worship. I had planned the songs around when he wanted us to take communion. Then, on Good Friday morning, as he completed his preach he felt he needed to move communion back to after his talk. I completely lost it – initially shouting but then simply breaking down. As soon as he walked away, I immediately envisioned what songs could change and how I could reorder things. I also recognised that that conversation had been the tipping point for a lot of emotion about the burdens I was carrying at the time (an extra workload, supporting our children through some difficulties).

When Steve reappeared I apologised, and explained that I was more than able to accommodate his request – but that I also felt like I could no longer cope. I was able to explain to him how I was feeling and we were able to share the burden and pray about it. I needed to show compassion to myself in that moment – but also to him. The thought had crossed my mind that he should know what I was facing and how I was feeling, but then I checked myself. (Writing a chapter about that helped prompt me – although I did also inwardly groan. 😉 )

BEING KIND TO ONE ANOTHER

In ‘normal’ life we all have moments when we feel stressed and therefore don’t behave in quite the way we should towards our partner. This is when showing compassion to each other is so important. It is even more vital after what we have experienced in the past year.

As Sarah and Jeff Walton share so wisely in Grace-filled Marriage: “Suffering doesn’t make us sinful; it simply draws our sin to the surface…We have to remember that the same is true for our spouse. It’s easy to excuse our own sinful response to suffering, while condemning our spouse’s. So, before we react to our spouse, we need to remind ourselves of what Christ has done for us so that we can respond with grace and humility, knowing when to be quiet and let the Spirit work in our spouse and when to gently point out an area of struggle. 

“One thing that has helped in regards to when to speak and when to be quiet has been asking ourselves if our spouse is speaking out of emotion (or as Job says, ‘speaking words of the wind’ [see Job 6:26; 8:2]), which is often spoken out of grief rather than theological belief. We don’t need to correct everything our spouse says that isn’t true in the heat of the moment, but gently and humbly point out or challenge a consistent action or way of thinking that becomes a pattern. Our aim is to bless our spouse by pointing them to greater freedom in Christ, not burdening them down with harsh and unhelpful words.”

UNDERSTANDING ONE ANOTHER

Steve could have corrected me for the way I behaved on Good Friday, but thankfully he recognised there was something else going on and showed compassion towards me. And I was able to speak up and explain to him how I was feeling – thereby showing compassion to us both. It was important that he recognised how his request had exacerbated how I was feeling – but now he had a chance to do something about that.

There may be moments in which you both react in ways that reveal an underlying stress caused by this pandemic. The question is: will you show compassion to one another?