He holds our tears in pain

1 Comment

I know and trust Sarah Walton’s writing, as she has such integrity, living the truth of her words. I’ve also had the honour of her and her husband contributing to our book Grace-Filled Marriage. So I was delighted when she offered an edited extract of her new book, Tears and Tossings. It is longer than my usual posts, but well worth reading through. Sarah lives with chronic illness, as do her children and they have faced many other challenges as a family. Here, she focuses on finding hope within the pain.

I am no stranger to pain. As the years go by and chronic pain is a constant, I long for relief. This body often feels more like my enemy than my ally. Of all the difficulties and trials that I’ve faced, physical pain is often the most relentless and debilitating.

I’ll be the first to admit that physical pain can quickly bring us to the end of ourselves. At first, we may persevere with the hope and confidence that answers and healing are just around the corner, just waiting to resume life as normal. But when they aren’t, and we watch the life, abilities, and enjoyments we once had fade into the distance, disappointment, grief, despair, hopelessness, and bitterness can quickly seep into our veins. The questions are often not far behind: what did I do to deserve this? What purpose is there in a life consumed by pain? Is God punishing me for something? What hope do I have if this is the rest of my life?

There are certainly no simple answers or quick fixes, but over time, I’ve learned that there is hope to be found even in this place.

One true remedy

If you’ve dealt with any form of chronic pain or illness for very long, I’m sure you could share countless experiences of those who have shared dos and don’ts, treatments options, or bullet-proof solutions that healed their Uncle Bob or friend Judy. Although most people have good intentions, without fail those comments always come across as “you just haven’t done enough,” or “if you just do what I did, things will improve.” While we do need to be open and teachable to the wisdom and experiences of others, these solutions are never a guarantee and they always fall short of true comfort. There is only One who knows exactly what we need, when we need it, and how to provide it—God himself.

We can and should seek help when and where possible, but our hope can’t be in a doctor or treatment—because they’re never a guarantee. Our hope can’t be in “better days” ahead of us— because that may or may not come in our lifetime. And our hope can’t be in our own strength, resources, or wisdom—because we’re limited in our understanding and abilities.

But there is a remedy that never fails.

We can bring our pain to the One who created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. And if he created us, certainly he wants what’s best for us.

Clay pots

It helps me to think of it this way: in the Bible, God is described as the Potter and we as the clay. The Bible tells us that God carefully and lovingly creates and shapes each of us into form, with unique looks, talents, personalities, and purposes. Whether we know it or not, we all belong to him, the Potter. But after God created the world and us, we rejected him and rebelled against his good plan for us. Since that day, the cracks of sin, pain, suffering, and weakness have entered our lives. We try to mend those cracks with anything we can find, but the defect still remains. 

I’ve experienced the cracks made by my sinful choices, but I’ve also felt the painful cracks of illness and suffering of various kinds, simply from living in this sinful world. I can try to ignore that the cracks are there, or do what I can to fix them, but the reality is that I’m the pot—I simply can’t fix myself. Instead, I need to humble myself, admit that I’m broken and cracked, and return to God, my Potter, to be restored as he intended me to be.

As painful and frustrating (perhaps even debilitating) as these cracks may be, we are not hopeless because we still have access to the One who created us and wants to heal us. That doesn’t mean he will remove the crack of pain in this life, but when we’re restored back to the Potter, he promises full healing will one day come. In the meantime, he also assures us that those cracks won’t be wasted and pointless.

There’s a man in the Bible named Paul, who experienced countless forms of pain. Even after all of his suffering, he confidently wrote, “We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)

Centuries ago, people would use clay pots for many daily purposes, but when a pot would break, they wouldn’t throw it away as we might. Strangely enough, they’d use it to hold their most treasured possessions. That way, if thieves broke in, they’d likely ignore the broken and seemingly useless pot, missing the treasure it held inside.

What we see as irreversible weakness and pain, and cracks that render us purposeless, God sees as an opportunity to fill us with his power and strength to shine through those cracks. He gives us not just the privilege of having Jesus’ strength in us, but the treasure of his presence to shine through us to others.

Practical care in our pain

There are days when even though I believe God loves me and will not waste this pain in my life, the pain screams louder. I admit, there have even been days when life felt too bleak to go on.

But in these moments, I’ve also seen how practical and close God is to me. He doesn’t tell me to toughen up and deal with it; he meets me in practical ways that show he cares about my pain—giving me what I need to endure it.

There have been seasons when I felt beaten down and discouraged, only to have someone show up at my door, unannounced, with a lavish dinner that made us feel spoiled. At a time when I felt isolated and convinced no one could see my pain, a friend called just to say they were thinking of me and asked if they could visit to see how I was. And there have even been times when I felt crippled by pain, unsure of how I was going to fulfill a commitment, but then was miraculously pain free for the exact amount of time I needed to accomplish it—with the pain returning shortly after. Then again, at other times, I’ve still felt the pain, but somehow had the strength to endure it—a strength that was beyond myself.

There’s no sugarcoating how life-altering chronic pain can be. And we should always use whatever means God gives us to improve our situation. But whether we find physical relief or not, this truth and hope about God’s compassion and provision remains the same.

We may have cracks running through our lives—even some that threaten to break us completely. But these cracks are not meant to destroy us and render us useless. Rather, they are meant to lead us to the One who created us and is the only One who can fully heal, restore, and provide for what we need.

Your painful cracks don’t have to have the last word. Bring them to the Potter. For that’s where you will find healing for eternity, and strength and rest for today.

Tears and Tossings is available now, published by 10ofthose. Sarah’s other books are Hope When it Hurts and Together Through the Storms.

Easter Sunday

1 Comment
Photo by Pisit Heng on Unsplash

We have reached the day of celebration – Easter Sunday! On this day, Christians around the world gather together to thank God for Jesus’ resurrection and to joyfully proclaim their faith in him. But, just for a moment, I want us to take a step back to just before Jesus reveals he is alive, reflecting on John 20:1–29…

Confused and bewildered

Think about the disciples – what were they doing that first Easter Sunday? We have already noted yesterday that they didn’t hang around and help with Jesus’ burial. They must have been distraught to see Jesus die, and must also have been very confused, even though Jesus did tell them during the Last Supper what had to happen. (Let’s be honest – it was a very strange and difficult teaching to understand.) To their credit, however, they were nevertheless altogether when Jesus appeared to them (see v19). They may have been frightened, bewildered and still trying to get their heads around the possibility that what Jesus had said to them was true, but they couldn’t help but spend time together. 

The mystery of faith

If we go back to when Mary first discovers that the tomb is empty, Peter and John (the ‘other disciple’) run to check the tomb. When faced with the linen and cloth all lying so neatly the passage says ‘they believed’ – even though they didn’t fully understand. How often in our journey of faith does God ask us to believe without full knowledge? That is the mystery of faith.

Full of compassion

When Jesus does appear, first to Mary and then to the disciples, he is full of compassion. He speaks peace over their troubled and confused spirits, breathes the Holy Spirit over them (v22) and meets Thomas’ doubts head on (v27–29). Interestingly, in this first meeting with them since his resurrection, he also sends them (v21). He immediately involves them in his future purposes – their doubt and fear had not discounted them.

Prayer

Jesus it is so wonderful to celebrate your resurrection. I thank you that you dealt so gently with your disciples – and you do so with me too. Thank you that I am called and chosen by you.

Waiting

Garden tomb, Jerusalem by Mark Jones on Unsplash

I am always fascinated by the time of waiting we read about in John 19:38-42. In between Good Friday and Easter Sunday we are left with a day pregnant with anticipation. However, we don’t know a lot about what was happening – both to Jesus and the disciples. In John 2:18-21 Jesus had foretold that his body would be destroyed, but that he would raise it again. But Scripture doesn’t give us clear details of how that happened, and many commentators have argued over what was occurring during this time of waiting. 1 Peter 3:18–22 does indicate that Jesus’ body was put to death but that he was made alive in the Spirit.

Given a proper burial

Whatever was happening ‘behind the scenes’, Jesus’ body is taken away for burial. It wasn’t the disciples, or Jesus’ family, who went to Pilate and asked for the body. It was two ‘secret’ followers – Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus, both members of the Jewish council. You may remember that Nicodemus had previously gone to Jesus in cover of nighttime to find out more about who he was. Both had been scared to associate with Jesus (although in John 7:51 Nicodemus did try to defend him in front of the other religious leaders). But they decided to risk their reputations after Jesus’ death in order to provide a proper burial for him. They gave him the care and prepared his body in the way Jewish custom dictated. Interestingly, they are the only characters mentioned here. Had grief and/or fear overtaken Jesus’ followers?

Sitting with the waiting

I believe it is important to own this time of waiting during Easter Saturday – and to be honest about our own feelings of bewilderment and grief about the waiting times we experience in our own lives.

Reflection

Too often we rush past Good Friday, looking forward with anticipation for Easter Sunday. Take some time today to sit with the uncertainty you have in your own life currently, offering it to God afresh as you talk with him about it honestly. Make space to receive from him too.

If you would like a further meditation on waiting, please click here.

On the cross

On Good Friday, we remember what Jesus went through on the cross. Reading through the start of John 19:17–37, I am struck afresh by the continued humiliation: he had to carry his own cross, was mocked with the sign ‘King of the Jews’, other gospel accounts say he had a crown of thorns placed on him, he had insults thrown at him while he was on the cross – and the soldiers took his clothing as ‘spoil’.

Fulfilling prophecy on the cross

We see in the details of what happened that Jesus’ death fulfils earlier prophecies (see vv24 and 28). Just allow that truth to sink in deeper: God had foretold what was going to happen through Old Testament prophets (see Isaiah 53). Jesus was fulfilling history through humbly submitting to such a horrific ordeal. His body literally broken for us; the agony both physically and then spiritually as his Father turns away (see Mark 15:33). He must have gone through such anguish – and remember: he did that for you.

Reaching out to family

There is such a poignant moment in this passage, which reveals Jesus’ compassion for his family (of which we are now a part). In verse 25 we are told of a small group of women close to him who are watching. Just think about the desperate agony they must have been going through too. Seeing her son’s body hanging there must have broken his mother’s heart into a thousand pieces. But what he does next is incredible. Even when he is suffering beyond our comprehension (crucifixion is one of the most barbaric, hideously slow ways to die), Jesus reaches out to his mother – and to his close friend John. He understands what they are feeling, and asks them to care for one another. That is what he asks us to do today too (John 14:34–35 and 17:20–24). Knowing that Jesus suffered so much for us, but also comes alongside us when we are in pain, can be such a comfort for those who are grieving or suffering in other ways this Good Friday. May we draw on that truth – and reach out to others with love and care too.

Reflection

Spend some time reading through Isaiah 53, and then turn to worship and prayers of thanks to Jesus for being willing, firstly, to come to Earth in human form, and then to be our sacrificial lamb. You might also want to utilise this meditation of thankfulness for the cross too.

The Last Supper

Image by Gini George from Pixabay 

Maundy Thursday is traditionally when we take time to consider the Last Supper, Jesus’ last meal with his disciples. These reflections are based on Matthew 26:17–35.

Preparing the Passover meal for the Last Supper

The Passover meal was part of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, which commemorated the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt. There would have been thousands more people in Jerusalem for this festival: Jesus’ disciples ask him where he wants them to prepare for their celebrations and, much like we saw on Palm Sunday, here there is another instance of him directing them to a person who will give them everything they need – as well as another indication that he is conscious all the time of what is about to happen.

The Passover lamb

Once alone with his disciples, during the Last Supper Jesus tells them about what will happen shortly. He indicates Judas’ betrayal, and the fact that he is about to shed blood and have his body broken. His disciples are confused, but the timing of this is not insignificant. The Passover meal remembers the time when the angel of death passed over the homes of the Israelites who had smeared their door frames with the blood of a sacrificial lamb (Exodus 12); Jesus was about to become the ultimate Passover sacrifice.

A lonely path

Jesus’ disciples are adamant that they will stick by him, but he knows the truth; one by one they will desert him after his arrest – even Peter, who protests the loudest. How it must have made Jesus’ heart heavy to contemplate the path of lonely sacrifice he was about to tread. Sometimes I wonder whether there are ever times when we, too, say that we are loyal to Jesus but our actions seem to show otherwise.

Prayer

Jesus I thank you that you were willing to become the ultimate Passover lamb. Help me to remain faithful to you in all areas of my life.

The story behind Burrowed

1 Comment

I am delighted to welcome Marissa Mortimer back to my blog as part of her tour for her new book Burrowed.

Burrowed is my latest Young Adult (YA) novel, set on the fictional island of Ximiu. I love using island settings – perhaps because it’s limited so it means I don’t have to invent entire continents!

Tackling grief in Burrowed

I had been thinking about grief and how we look at the different people who seem to live forever and how those we love get taken too soon. It’s not always like that, but it can certainly feel like it. Even Asaph, when writing Psalm 73, complains about the way bad people seem to have such smooth lives and even their death is peaceful. Until he saw into God’s sanctuary. As Christians, we comfort ourselves that our friend or relative is now with Jesus, it’s all for the best etc, but deep down we can still question, ‘Why? Why him, why now?’ Of course, this can come with a lot of guilt as well.

Losing people can make the light leave your world for a while. So while thinking of this theme and the prospect of writing a YA novel, I found the picture that is now the cover of Burrowed and it spoke to me. Life might feel grey and stormy, but there are still so many blessings around us, so many light moments and beautiful blessings, touches straight from God’s heart, and it’s easy to lose sight of this when grieving. It’s tempting to wallow in our sadness and ignore the beautiful moments or maybe even feel guilty for feeling a moment of joy. Grief is so complex, as it’s not a linear process, so some days can be filled with more bright moments than others.

The sustainability theme

Thinking about the island, I thought about sustainability and how going Green can have implications. I was imagining hidden people wanting the old resources. One way to achieve this was by making the island give up those old resources. What if the hidden people had bad intentions and weren’t satisfied with asphalt? That was an interesting research point as well. Tarmac can’t be reused; asphalt can. I grew up in the Netherlands where we use asphalt, so I have always seen road surfaces being recycled. My editor grew up around tarmac, so wasn’t familiar with this – when I talked about tarmac being reused, we had to look into it and change it to asphalt.

Finding the main character

I don’t normally write books in the past tense, as I’m a bit of a Pantser; I write and plot at the same time, simply allowing the creativity to flow. More recently, I have become a little more of a Plantser, which means I now like to think a little more about items I want to include, verses that come to mind or characters and what they might struggle with. Knowing I wanted a teenage wannabe detective, I decided to make her my main character. Not only that, I was going to impersonate her. A lot of her teenage attitude and ideas were edited out, but I still had a lot of fun writing from her perspective!

Enjoying the various elements in Burrowed

I loved all these different aspects, as it’s what makes writing so interesting. The different story ideas, as well as some dubious characters, made the story grow until it turned into a book. It blessed and helped me too, having to look at my character’s grief and how people supported her. I feel more encouraged to look for and enjoy moments of God’s blessing during difficult days.

Maressa Mortimer is Dutch but lives in the beautiful Cotswolds, England with her husband and four (adopted) children. Her debut novel, Sapphire Beach, was published December 2019, and her first self-published novel, Walled City, came out in 2020, followed by Viking Ferry, a novella. Beyond the Hills, the second book in the Elabi Chronicles, was released in 2021. Burrowed is her latest novel and it is available now.

Maressa is a homeschooling mum as well as a pastor’s wife, so her writing has to be done in the evening when peace and quiet descend on the house once more. She loves writing Christian fiction, as it’s a great way to explore faith in daily life. Her books can be found on her website and you can follow Maressa on both Instagram and Facebook @vicarioush.ome

Home Truths with Lady Grey

3 Comments

I am thrilled to welcome Katherine Blessan to my blog, as part of her blog tour for her latest book. She explains a little as to how she crafted Home Truths with Lady Grey. First, here is a little taster as to what it is about:

When normally capable, career-minded Jennifer crumbles under a debilitating disease, she struggles with no longer being in control of her life. In the meantime, Mona, a family-oriented mother of Iranian heritage, finds out that her husband is gambling and hiding the truth from her. Can she move beyond betrayal to action?
When Mona goes to work for Jennifer as a carer, Jennifer is initially defensive, but the two soon discover that despite their differences they have so much to learn from one another. Will Mona discover how to balance the conflicting loyalties of family and self? Will Jennifer learn to let others in? And most importantly, will they both survive?

How the idea of Home Truths with Lady Grey came about 

I was walking home from work one day, and the idea of two very different women came into my mind. One of them was physically fit, independent and a little racist (Jennifer). The other was going to be a foil to the first character – from a BAME heritage (which I pinned down eventually as Iranian), and a much warmer, personable character (Mona). The story developed around these two women with all the conflicts and themes emerging over time. 

What the writing process was like

It was a long process that began in 2015 and ended last year. I didn’t write constantly throughout that time. Other writing projects took my focus, for example screenplays and two long ghostwriting projects.

I alternated writing the story between Jennifer’s and Mona’s point of view. Mona was written from the third person limited. Later, I found out that this was the ‘right’ thing to do as Mona is Iranian, thus I couldn’t be accused of what’s known as cultural appropriation. Jennifer’s voice was deliberately written in the first person. I wanted readers to understand her and empathise with her as she goes on this journey from prickly independence into vulnerability. But I knew that she might be more difficult for readers to warm to than Mona. However, the more I wrote from her perspective, the more I enjoyed her and actually found her easier to ‘spend time with’ than the more likable Mona!

My first draft was very much Mona and Jennifer’s two separate stories. They didn’t really meet until the end of the novel. My most astute beta readers [people who read through a first draft and give feedback] told me that this wasn’t working. I had to figure out a way to weave the two stories together more effectively. I did that by inserting little vignettes of Mona and Jennifer’s time together throughout the novel in a way that linked to the themes of each chapter.

The reader’s experience

Because reading a novel is a such a personal experience, every reader will take away slightly different things. But I do hope that readers will take away something of the frailty of the human condition, and be reminded of the importance of gratitude, friendship and openness. As a Christian, I also hope that the readers will take away something of the power of God to break addiction, which can be seen through Mona’s husband James’ story.

Katherine lives in Sheffield and is married to Blessan, from Kerala, India. As well as writing stories that touch on social issues and explore the space where cultures cross, Katherine is a social entrepreneur and English tutor.

Previously, she lived and worked in Cambodia, a rich experience she draws on in her writing. She set a previous novel, Lydia’s Song, in Cambodia – it was a category finalist in the Indie Book Awards, 2016.

Home Truths with Lady Grey is available from 20 April, but can be pre-ordered on Katherine’s website.

Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday photo by Brady Leavell on Unsplash

Today is Palm Sunday, a celebration of when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. My reflections are based on Matthew 21:1–11.

Fulfilling prophecy

Jesus knew that this was the last time he was going to enter Jerusalem before his arrest. It must have been quite sobering to know that he was getting ever closer to that moment. He still took the time to attend to details that he knew were necessary in order for him to fulfil Old Testament prophecies. This included, for example, sending two of his disciples to fetch a donkey for him (v2). He says to the disciples to simply let the owner know that the Lord needs them – the mention of his name was all the authority they needed. Matthew is the only gospel that includes both donkey and colt in his retelling, but this directly reflects what the prophet Zechariah said, which we can see in v5.

A statement of who Jesus was

What is amazing about this episode is how the crowds gather as soon as they see Jesus approaching. They spread out their cloaks and branches on the dusty road and praise him as he rides past. It is one of the few places that we see Jesus being publicly honoured and recognised. How sad that it was only a few days later that the same people would desert him. I’m sure many would have been in the crowd that called for his crucifixion too…

By entering Jerusalem in this public way, Jesus was declaring who he is (the messiah, heavenly king). But he was doing so with humility (on a simple colt rather than with great pomp and ceremony). Even so, this episode seemed to wake the city up to his presence. In verse 10 we see that everyone was ‘stirred’ and asked who Jesus was. I wonder how often we celebrate Jesus in such a way that those around us ask about him?

Palm Sunday reflection

The crowds threw down palm branches and cloaks to welcome Jesus into Jerusalem. How can you welcome Jesus into your life today? And how will you ensure that yours is not a fleeting welcome, as theirs was?

Jesus shows us how to handle difficulties

3 Comments
Photo by Stacey Franco on Unsplash

I am very aware that I haven’t managed to post my weekly Bible studies in recent months – I am sorry. Hoping to rectify that, as best I can, I decided to post today. There will be some Easter reflections starting on Palm Sunday. For now, I felt that what Jesus shows us about how to handle difficulties in the Garden of Gethsemane is so pertinent for today, when we can be overcome with grief, shock, bewilderment and pain at the state of our world. I will be reflecting on Matthew 26:36–56. For another reflection on the Garden, please click here.

Honesty and wrestling before his Father

Jesus goes to the Garden of Gethsemane, keeping his closest friends with him. When he is with just them, he is able to share freely the anguish he is going through (v38). He asks for his friends to simply be there for him while he goes and wrestles with his Father. What a powerful passage this is: we see Jesus’ humanity, but also his absolute determination to follow through with the plan of salvation. But how hard must it have been to carry the weight of that, then look to his closest friends for a bit of support … only to find they have fallen asleep. I wonder, do we ask for help when we need it? And are we faithful friends to others when they ask for help from us?

A model for us all

Jesus provides a really helpful model to us here on how to handle difficulties: pour all the emotion out to God, spend time waiting in prayer, then submit to him afresh. Too often we can try and work out the answers to our problems and difficulties without looking to God for his advice and direction. But, even before that, we need to take the time to be honest about how we are feeling, and process our raw emotions before God. It is too easy to either allow ourselves to be overwhelmed or dictated to by them, or to squash them down and hope they will go away. But God knows that we need time for processing – especially when we face the most excruciating of circumstances. Jesus’ actions in the Garden of Gethsemane provide a powerful guide on how to do that.

Prayer

Lord Jesus, thank you for your honesty, and for wrestling so openly with your Father. I take comfort from knowing that you too needed to be vulnerable in that way before God – and your friends. I pray that you will help me to bring before God those things that are troubling me today. Help me also to ask for support where I truly need it. Amen.

Three things I was never told about being a mum

1 Comment

I am aware that Mother’s Day is difficult for many. It is important that churches celebrate each and every woman who is a part of their church community, so that no one feels left out. We are, after all, each a vital part of our church family.

Today I do want to take time on my blog to reflect on what being a mum is like for me. I adore my kids – yes, they frustrate me intensely at times (just keeping it real!), but they are what gets me up in the morning (on school days that’s to ensure they get up on time – they’ve both hit the teenage years and would rather catch a few extra moments in bed!). While I treasure my kids, pray for and encourage them daily, there are definitely things that have surprised me about being a mum. I thought I would share some of them this Mother’s Day. I didn’t realise:

1. How much my sleep would be affected

We all start out expecting to have broken nights (I always found it frustrating that late pregnancy resulted in a severe lack of sleep – it made more sense to me to be able to store it up, because once a baby arrives letting you sleep is not top of his/her agenda!) However, I never realised that my sleep would go on being affected. We were actually blessed with great sleepers – our first slept through the night by eight weeks (her brother more than made up for that though!). But just because they slept doesn’t mean that I did. I would lie awake in those early years, wondering how they were, praying for them, thinking about the challenges we were going to face the next day.

And then of course the early school years brought so many different bugs and illnesses into our home, causing a big smattering of sleepless nights (I still remember the night before my husband first preached at our church; our daughter had chickenpox and was quite distressed. In order to give him some rest, and to try and settle her, I went to her room and lay down next to her cot, holding her hand – and was still there the next morning.) 

But now we have teenagers, our eldest is always up beyond the time that I would naturally want to go to bed. It is in that quieter time, without her younger sibling, that she often opens up more about what is going on for her. They are super precious moments – ones I don’t want to miss. There are just times when I could do with help keeping my eyelids open!

2. How much I would question my own decisions

People sometimes say that mums have an inbuilt, natural gift of knowing what to do in countless situations. But, while there often is an automatic response that happens in times of crises, for example, I haven’t always found that to be the case. I’ve floundered when trying to decide whether a child needs to stay off school, whether I should be giving them another dose of medicine (thank God I have a level-headed and wise husband to make decisions alongside me!) – and whether I should have gone back to work as quickly as I did (even though I work from home). I have worried I’ve made the wrong decisions, felt guilty if I’ve taken time for myself and lifted up many a prayer to ask that I wouldn’t scar them for life by making the wrong decision.

3. How intense my feelings towards them would be

Now this one took me by surprise. I actually found it hard to bond with my kids initially, as I had problems breastfeeding them, and also experienced postnatal depression. But I’m relieved to say that that difficult period passed fairly quickly and, ever since, I have continued to be overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions I feel for them. 

In recent years I have had to fight hard for support for one of them, and have surprised myself at how readily my ‘big mama bear’ (as we call her) comes to the fore. I am naturally a shy, fairly quiet person but woe to anyone who doesn’t show them the care or consideration that any human being deserves. I never fully appreciated the depth of love – and pain – I would feel. There are times when I long to be able to take the difficulties they are walking through upon myself instead. In other moments, I am totally overwhelmed by joy simply watching them make each other laugh. 

Looking back, motherhood has certainly been a rollercoaster ride. While the journey has included a lot of pain and lament recently, I am so grateful to God for my precious children.