We were at a different church on Sunday. Visiting somewhere else that isn’t your home church, particularly when you are in leadership, can allow you to step back and look at your home church with fresh eyes. There were certain things we really enjoyed – and others that we missed from our ‘home’. One of the latter was the growing instances of contributions from the congregation – starting up songs, bringing prayers and scripture readings, singing spiritual songs and bringing prophecies and words. It made me reflect afresh on the scripture about this: 1 Corinthians 14:26, ‘ 26 What then shall we say, brothers and sisters? When you come together, each of you has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. Everything must be done so that the church may be built up.’ I think the key here is the last phrase ‘so that the church may be built up’. Okay sometimes it can get quite messy – or the contributions take the meeting off course as far as your prepared song list is concerned if you are the worship leader. But surely being family together means that our worship times are times for everyone to contribute. We all have giftings – and all can hear from God. Nowhere in the Bible have I found a reference to the worship leader being in charge, rather it says that when we come together ‘each of’ us has something to bring. I wonder what our churches would be like if every single member of the congregation came to church willing and prepared to contribute… I know as churches get larger the need for more organisation is necessary but I really hope as we grow even more we don’t stifle what the Holy Spirit is doing, don’t dampen people’s enthusiasm for bringing contributions. I so firmly believe in ‘body ministry’ – that we are all priests and God uses us all – and love to see this reflected not only on our Sunday mornings but in the way we care for one another during the week. It isn’t just about bringing a word or scripture on a Sunday morning, but about caring for the various parts of the body day in day out. That is why God has connected us – to look after each other and reach out to the world as one body. We need to make sure we are ministering to one another in a biblical, holistic manner so that we can truly be the body of Christ.
Is the tide turning?
Like everyone I have been sickened by the events that have been occurring in our country over the last 4 nights. I have refrained from blogging about it for a few reasons – firstly I am at home without my kids in order to concentrate on a large pile of editing work and have been distracted enough by the constant tweets and news reports. I also didn’t want to shoot off a response without having time to really process everything. But having a regular blog means that I do feel I need to put some thoughts down here.
Firstly, I have been ashamed to see the images being shown across the world revealing the state of our nation. I have also been heartbroken watching people lose homes and livelihoods. I’ve also felt pain when taking a step back and trying to look through God’s eyes. As a nation we have seemed so self-sufficient, and had no room for Him. But now people are looking for answers. And yes now I think the tide is turning and the time has come for the church to rise up. We have watched prophecies come true in regard to the financial crash. God has prepared us for these dark days and wants us to be his hands and feet on the ground. What wonderful images seeing everyone out with their brooms tidying up, being community together. And yet the problems in our society will not be so easily cleaned up or swept away. Those who have lost in this wanton destruction will need help far beyond the next few days. I was pained to read on the BBC website that twitters #prayforlondon was being viewed as an ’empty gesture’ while #riotcleanup seen as ‘positive social mobilisation’. We need both! Church we must stand up and be counted in these days! We are here for such a time as this and need to grab all the opportunities that come to us in the coming days. WE are those with the good news – the offer of future hope. Let’s make sure we don’t keep it to ourselves…
Singing spiritual songs
I referred to a worship conference that we took our team to a while back. One of the seminars I went to was on stepping out into spiritual songs. This is an area I want to grow in as I do do it on occasion. It was really interesting to hear about other people’s experiences and suggestions. I know that one of the things that was said was to simply sing the song and then stop – ie don’t go on too long or the anointing of what you were singing may be dampened. I can totally understand where that point is coming from and can recount instances of when that has happened. However – and this may be down to God’s graciousness to me more than anything else – my own personal experience has been that God gives me the words of the song as I’m singing and I simply stop when the words stop. That happened this Sunday. I often have the start of the song but no more, but this week I just had a little tune and nothing else – but knew I had to sing. I felt like I would literally burst if I didn’t! So I got the guitarist to carry on picking in the background and just went for it. (So unlike me – I usually have my keyboard as my comfort to hide behind!) The song kept coming, and kept flowing, and there was a definite refrain that kept coming back too. It seemed to go on for a long time – it was certainly the longest one I’ve ever sung – but the words were still flowing and still touching people. And then there were no more words so I stopped. I could look back now and dissect the song, decide on the little bits I could have left out, and possibly when I could have stopped earlier. But I find I can’t judge those things at the time – I just sing while I feel the anointing and stop when it feels right to. It is really hard to explain but the song does just simply dry up when it is time to stop. Because it is such a definite ‘start now’ and ‘stop now’ for me, I’m really interested to hear other people’s experiences – as it obviously isn’t the same for everyone. Anyone else got something they can share on this?
Do we realise what are we singing?
I was challenged once again to really think about the words I sing on a Sunday morning and during the week. It can be so easy to get over familiar with favourite tunes that somehow the words seem to wash over us. But there are some amazing biblical truths in the words we sing – and some big promises too! I know that worship songwriters work really hard to incorporate the truth of scripture in the songs we sing as congregations – even more so in the last decade as it has been discovered how little even evangelical Christians get into the Word themselves on a daily basis. So many people look to the songs to see what we believe that it is important the lyrics reflect the truth honestly and fully. It is a really hard job and I know many songwriters take it desperately seriously as they understand the responsibility of the role they do. But, in return, do we actually take proper notice of those words? Do we believe what we sing and do we live in the light of those lyrics? For instance, in the craziness that is today’s world (just take this last weekend – man, crazy!!), do we truly stand on the fact that ‘our God is greater, our God is higher than any other’ and ‘if God is for us then no one can stop us’? And what about lines such as ‘I’m giving you my heart, and all that is within’. I know we can certainly earnestly mean them when we sing them in church – but what about Monday morning when we are tired, don’t want to go to work and face certain deadlines or colleagues – are we still giving God our whole hearts, as that will have an impact on how we deal with others around us? I don’t think it is just the responsibility of the worship songwriter, or even the worship leader, to emphasise biblical truths and principles – it is our responsibility to live them out. And discover more for ourselves. DON’T just rely on being spoonfed the bible through song lyrics and preaches. Delve into it yourself and ask God to give you fresh revelations each time. You’ll find it takes your own personal worship onto a new level as a result…
Man I thought I was over this…
This week I have been struggling a little with self-pity syndrome. Silly I know – distasteful to me too, and really rather annoying because I know part of it is due to the change in my emotions that occur with the monthly shift of hormone levels too. I spend a fair amount of time with women younger than me, in a friendship capacity but also a discipleship one. And I find time and time again that it is the issue of a poor self-image that crops up. It just seems to be rife among young Christian women. I can understand why, given the way our culture and media bombard us with images that, rather than ‘doing their job’ and encouraging us to aspire to be like the women pictured, belittle us and make us feel somehow of less worth than others. I am glad that we don’t all rush out to spend money on trying to be like those photoshopped models, but nevertheless those images do take their toll. I know I have had to fight to fill my mind with the knowledge of who I am in Christ, of how he sees me, but I confess since having two children and speeding ever closer to the big 40, being around younger women, or those supermums who have managed to have kids and still retain no ounce of fat on their bodies, does make me ashamed of my physical body at times.
But it isn’t just the physical. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. I know that may come as a surprise to some, but I am still, at heart, a pretty shy person. I have to work hard to push myself through the barrier of wanting to just hide in a corner. I have worked particularly hard at it in church – just as well really as people do not expect a pastor’s wife to hide! Having lots of useful jobs helps – behind the scenes ones are my most comfortable but I am also happy leading worship and talking up the front now. However, put me in a situation that is fairly new to me, or where I am surrounded by much louder, more confident people, and I seem to shrivel a little. My natural instinct is to close down – especially if I try to speak up but someone louder speaks over me.
The reason for this week’s struggle is the age-old playground scenario. My daughter has a lovely bunch of friends, and the mums are nice too. However I am one of the quieter ones, and I can be ignored or overlooked at times. For the second time in recent weeks my daughter was one of the few not invited back to a friend’s house (actually this week she was the only one) and I was really upset for her. On top of that I learned that while I had been away last week they had arranged a group collection for the teachers and not included me. I thought I’d make a special effort and invite them all back after the kids break up on Friday, but one by one they texted back to say they had already arranged to go to the park. I really wished I hadn’t bothered at that point. Now my sensible hat knows that one of the mums knew I had bought a little something for the teachers already, so may have thought I didn’t need to be asked about the collection. And I also realise that I don’t always do the dropping off to school as my husband works nearby, so I probably just wasn’t around when they arranged the park. I don’t know if it is my ego, or my insecurity, but my reaction inside was to think that it isn’t that hard to think about who is missing from the group and send a quick text. So I immediately began to spiral and think that they obviously don’t think that much of me. My lack of worth was further emphasised to me when I read that two other writers were in the middle of writing for a publication that doesn’t seem to want me.
I’m not in the best place today, but I have been working hard to remind myself of who I am, of who loves me – and that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things! Even writing it down makes it seem rather petty – a bit silly – and yet, being honest to myself – and you – shows me that it has affected me this week.
It is hard when something you thought you had worked hard to conquer comes and seems to overtake you again – but I guess it is a good reminder that I can’t do things in my own strength so need to press into God more. He is the source of my life, goodness, sense of worth etc. Yes I feel sheepishly humbled – yet again – but at least it has reminded me that without him I can do nothing!
A re-focusing on my role
I said I was going to write more on why I missed the last day of the Newfrontiers conference – so here goes… Last week was utterly manic for me – great but manic. It was wonderful to be able to plan to attend the whole conference, as I only normally go for one or two days due to childminding issues. But each day we travelled to Brighton – and each day, during the breaks, I was running around speaking to people, making new contacts etc for work purposes. In that sense it was a double blessing for me, and extra exhausting! But then we arrived home on the Thurs early eve… Within an hour we were heading for A&E. Why? Because our youngest had blood pouring from his mouth. The two of them had been playing around on the floor of his sister’s bedroom while I tried to call them into the bath. As I pulled them apart he fought me and slipped – albeit 2 inches – onto the carpeted floor and started howling. I thought it must have been a carpet burn on his chin as I saw he hadn’t put his hands down to steady himself. But no. There was a huge amount of blood and two bottom teeth sticking out alarmingly far from his mouth and at 90 degrees to where they should have been. What followed was an evening in one A&E, then another early morning trip to a second A&E, a wait for the plastic surgery team, a painful try at removing his teeth without any pain relief and then a different type of painful wait for a recovery bed in what was a hospital now closed to paediatric patients. God’s favour was on us though, and the doctor who saw us wouldn’t give up and finally secured him a place at the end of the dental day surgery list. My poor little boy had managed to lacerate his bottom gum with his top teeth and, while the gum healed itself with what seemed to be miraculous speed, his bottom two front teeth were not salvageable. So we went through an incredibly short but traumatic general anesthetic process – he fought it, I fought back tears – and then he bounced back far quicker than we did!
There is nothing like an accident to refocus yourself and I am glad that it was my basic mothering instincts that took over that day. Okay, yes, if I’m honest I did have one or two thoughts about how was I going to work out particular articles without seeing the people I was due to on the last day of the conference. And I had been so so chuffed to be at the start of the conference, having never been, that I was really looking forward to being at the final day of the final international conference! But that did all pale into insignificance when I saw my poor boy and I just desperately wanted to hold him, to make it better, to take his place. All the times I had worried whether I was not paying my kids enough attention, whether I had too much of a focus on the new direction my work is taking, whether church takes too high a priority in our household, were swiped away that day when I realised without a doubt that I would make sure my kids came first. They are such a precious gift from God and I am determined to be the best mum I can be!
Truly ‘together on a mission’
This is the first time I’ve had a chance to sit down and reflect on what I learned at the Newfrontiers Together on a Mission conference last week (the reason for that will, in part, be the subject of another blog soon!) It truly was a privilege to be at the bulk of what was the last international conference of its kind. Right from the start there was a sense of expectancy, and God had specific things to say to us as a movement that came through time and time again, through various different speakers.
I always feel so blessed at these events because it reminds me of the wider Newfrontiers family we are part of. I am always struck by the humility of the leaders and speakers, particularly Terry. Indeed that was the main reason we were first attracted to Newfrontiers. And it is great to see how other guys have come through into maturity and authority and are now heading up works within the various continents, but there is still a sense of family across the board. I loved the mixture of both honouring our roots, and founders, but also pressing forward to take new ground.
I was both caught up with and slightly apprehensive of the way that we seemed to hit the ground running. Words came thick and fast about being courageous and having courage as a leader. The natural worrier in me started to wonder what is coming Lord?! But it is so true that as a movement the ‘boys have become men’ and I also felt that challenge me personally. Yes we have stepped up into leadership roles, and my husband has proved he is capable of pastoring the church. I am mentoring and meeting with various younger women… AND YET. Life is going at such a pace am I taking the time to feed myself spiritually? Am I looking after myself and allowing God to speak to me clearly and have that vital input in my life enough? He graciously seems to speak through me when I am ministering to people, but I wonder how much more effective I could be if I carved out a bit more just me and him time…
We were travelling up and down to Brighton each day so usually left at the end of the afternoon session – it meant we could see the kids before bedtime and not get overtired ourselves. But when we heard PJ was to speak on the wed eve we decided to say. And what a great decision that was! I have said in a previous entry that the whole issue of healing is one I can struggle with because of the way my mum suffers, but he gave one of the clearest messages I’ve ever heard on suffering, sickness and healing. Where does sickness come from and where does healing come from were two of the questions he pondered during his own battle in the last year. And God gave him great revelation. Hearing the simplicity with which he explained the relationship between the atonement and healing was refreshing. His talk gave me fresh vision and hope and went some way to lift off the frustration I can often feel when people look at my mum and make a judgement call as to why she hasn’t been healed yet. Definitely a recommendation I have already made to my mum to listen to!
There is so much more I could talk about here but I think there will be plenty more future posts as I manage to grab odd moments to dwell upon my notes.
A whirlwind week
It has been a little while since I’ve been on here – mainly because life has reached whirlwind proportions. And the thoughts spinning around my head also have me reeling from their speed. So I’m trying to catch a moment to slow down and take stock. The last week has certainly been a varied one: I had my birthday, found out my mum was incredibly ill, had a terrible conversation with a magazine editor that left me wondering if Christians really can be that judgemental, shot down to see my mum in hospital, enjoyed a fantastic international day at church and also made some great new contacts with book and magazine publishers.
Each night I have fallen into bed late, absolutely exhausted, only to be denied sleep by my 2 year old, who really doesn’t seem to understand that waking up at night does not equate to coming to say hello to mummy, daddy and his sister! Even with the gate firmly fixed on his door he is still finding a way of keeping us all up at night. I look at him tearing around during each day and wonder where on earth he gets his energy from – and whether I could borrow some of it! In amongst the busyness, and emotional turmoil at times, I worry that I am so focused on different things I am not parenting to the best of my ability. I guess as parents we always have that nagging feeling – could we be doing things better? Are we juggling too much? Our society seems to only accept survivors – supermums who can spin every plate highly successfully and look fantastic at the same time!
That’s not really the reason for this entry though. I could write a series of blogs on that subject – and on the fact that while I believe in a God who can heal today, and have seen miracles in front of my eyes, one of those dearest to me – my own mum – continues to suffer pain from a debilitating disease day after day, year after year. I know suffering and healing are subjects I’m never going to fully understand, but I do have lots of questions I’m waiting to ask God when I do see him face to face! God does seem to have a way of turning things upside down – I travelled to see my mum expecting her to be hardly able to lift her head from her hospital bed but I was greeted by a beaming face as she had just had a chance to talk to a daughter of a patient about her faith and offered to pray for her. Gone was the downcast soul who had had enough of struggling with each breath and here was someone excited and vitalised by her faith once more. She said herself that every time she is in hospital she has such ‘divine encounters’ and that being there had lifted her spirit from the depth of despair. She is still physically in severe pain, but her spirit is back in line with her God.
All of this has made my own spirit go up and down. A high point was definitely yesterday at church where we celebrated the diversity of nationalities within our church. Sam Amara from Nigeria visited us and preached and we feasted on a wonderful array of dishes from around the world afterwards.
Yes it has definitely been a pretty crazy week. And today has continued to be crazy. I’m on my own for a few hours, for which I’m exceedingly grateful to my husband, but busy organising work and what I need to do before heading off to Brighton for the last Newfrontiers International Leaders’ Conference, Together on a Mission. I am excited about what God will do when we are all together – I just hope I manage to stay awake! ;D
What family is all about…
I reached yesterday evening tired but happy. It had been a wonderfully enriching day, full of worship, fun and friendship. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I would feel. As is my usual tendency, when discussing the fact that there were four of us in the church with birthdays the same week, I opened my mouth and suggested hosting a bbq at our house after church with very little thought. Once the idea had been seized upon gladly by others, and I was in the throws of organising food and chasing people up to find out if they were coming and what they could bring, I was beginning to regret my good idea! I knew it would be a mad rush after church too – we were leading worship and my husband was anchoring the meeting so we had a lot on. We are usually the last to leave the building anyway. So I started panicking about how I was going to get it all done. But then I started asking people for help – and discovered that there are many able and willing people out there with such a heart to help. I arrived at church feeling that things were now manageable, and the frustrations of the week faded away as soon as we started worshipping together. God came in a powerful way, our visiting speaker really challenged us and we all felt it had been a significant time.
As soon as the service was over my organising instincts kicked in and I scurried around like a mad person! Friends kindly brought me home and helped light the bbq in next door’s garden (they are also in the church, and it was his birthday too). Some arrived quickly and suddenly all the salads I was down to make were done as they set to work on them. They helped throughout the day. Others arrived with more tasty contributions and suitably summery liquid refreshments. As all the kids played happily in the garden, people popped in and out the gate in our fence that leads through to next door’s garden and others chatted in our garden I took a step back to admire the scene. I realised that this is what family is all about – those of us who feel we have a gift of hospitality opening our homes, but everyone contributing and enjoying spending time together. We had a wonderful afternoon. And I was truly blessed by those who stayed behind and cleared up with us too. My son helped me as well by slowing me down at just the right moment – I had hardly seen him all afternoon and he had been so busy playing he hadn’t had a nap. It was reaching 5pm and he was shattered. He simply came to find me in the kitchen and said ‘mummy sleep, cuddle on sofa’. I took one look at him and, encouraged by the others around me, scooped him up and sat in the lounge with him curled up on me. There he stayed for an hour – the friends who had worked so hard next to me taking a break and chatting with me too. As soon as we sat down, others arrived in the kitchen to continue the tidying. What a great church we belong to! 😉
Feeding the clown while half asleep…
I had a really fulfilling day yesterday. Absolutely manic but I felt I achieved a lot and got on top of loads of things that had been hanging over me. As well as looking after my son I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, worked on some articles, came up with some more article ideas, did a load of ironing, cooked a nice meal for me and hubby after the kids were tucked up in bed and even managed to watch a film with him too as it was our only night off this week. I went to bed exhausted but happy. I had just snuggled down into the covers, just got myself into that half asleep state, when in padded our little boy saying the rain had woken him up. I got up, told him the rain wasn’t scary, put him back into bed, tucked him in, kissed him good night and prayed with him then left his room while saying there was no need to get back up again till morning. This little routine happened about 8 times over the next 21/2 hours – then he finally fell asleep… only to appear again at 4am. This time I was so exhausted I couldn’t even bring myself to get back up and let him crawl in with us. I never normally do that – and it was a bad decision because then I only got fitful snoozes after that. As our daughter ran in at 7am all bright and cheerful my heart sank, as I knew I was helping at the school fayre all day and really needed to be livelier than I was feeling! I know there are so many other parents out there that have to cope with this lack of sleep on a regular basis. For me, it is one of the hardest things about parenting. It’s at such times, when something out of the ordinary happens, that I realise that the pace I live my life at is only just about do-able. I did really enjoy helping out at the fayre on the ‘feed the clown’ stall but I felt incredibly sick. As soon as we got home both me and my son crashed out on our bed for a couple of hours – actually quite nice but not a luxury I can afford most days. I asked my husband to help me make sure we both go to bed early each night this week – as it was getting later and later and now I’m just past exhaustion. I know I was talking about spiritual spring cleaning the other day – but we also have a responsibility to look after our bodies too – and this one is just plain tired…