A companion filled with comfort

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As many of you will know, my mum went to be with Jesus just before COVID hit. It was a time full of pain, exhaustion – but also very little space to grieve. We were thrust into the pandemic and I was helping my husband move our services online and look after our church members as well as reaching out to my dad as he navigated the first lockdown so soon after being widowed.

But there was one companion that I found extremely helpful – and I am delighted to say that it is about to be published! The lovely Penelope Swithinbank shared an early draft of Scent of Water with me, as it is a daily devotional for the first six months of bereavement and she hoped it would help.

It certainly did.

Written out of her own experience of seeing her mum die suddenly and tragically, she generously shared it on her website but now, ten years on, she has found a publisher and created a book version that would be a wonderful gift for anyone who has been recently bereaved.

EXPERIENCING GOD’S LOVE

Penelope’s writing is honest – her experience of being broken hearted herself means she is able to empathise and offer comfort. She is certainly living out 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 through this book: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

As she says in the book: “This may well be the scent of water your soul craves. Even just a few moments might help you to know the love of the God who walks alongside you and loves you in and through your grief, your tears. As someone once said, there are some things that only become visible through our tears; things that the dry-eyed don’t see.  

“May you see, may you know, that this is the chance for God to put his arms around you and hold you in his love in ways you had never even imagined.”

That is a great description of how I felt when I dipped into the devotional – it felt like God was coming close and a dear friend was sharing what she had learned about grief.

A PRECIOUS GIFT 

The daily readings and reflections are short enough not to feel burdensome, but also contain such on-point descriptions of what grief feels like – as well as depth of truth, and life-giving words at a time when all seems lost.

Throughout the book Penelope leaves blank spaces in order for us to personalise thoughts and prayers. She also includes reflections on special days that are often difficult, such as birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.

This is a thoughtful, precious gift of a book – and so timely as so many have been touched by grief this year.

Penelope Swithinbank is a chaplain at Bath Abbey and a spiritual therapist and counsellor for clergy (and some normal people too). Since becoming a vicar nearly 20 years ago, she has worked in churches in the UK and the USA, and has led pilgrimages in the UK and in Europe. She and her husband Kim have been married for more than 40 years and have three children and six grandchildren. Penelope rarely sits down, loathes gardening and relaxes by walking, reading, going to the theatre or playing the piano. She is the author of Women by Design, Walking Back to Happiness and Scent of Water. She also contributes to Bible reading notes for Scripture Union. 

Building a world

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I am delighted to welcome Maressa Mortimer to my blog as part of her blog tour for her latest book Beyond the Hills, the second in her fictional series the Elabi Chronicles, which is publishing on 18 June. Here she explains the journey of building the world and its characters.

When you’re new to writing, everything is exciting. I started with a diary-style story based on a game. It was so much fun, I decided to write a book. It needed a lot of work, but as it was November, I learned about a new thing, NaNoWriMo. While my NaNo-project (Sapphire Beach) was being edited, I looked around and learned about ‘World Building’. Listening to a podcast, I dutifully took all the steps, thinking about food, terrain, culture and language. I decided to use Latin words, and turn them into names. That is how the city-state of Elabi was born. 

HOW THE IDEAS FORMED

When I was writing the first book in the series, Walled City, I was intrigued by one of the minor characters, a very unpleasant girl named Macia. She had a tragic backstory, and I kept wondering about her. Would she ever be influenced by the others? Walled City almost done, it was at an Association of Christian Writers Day that I crafted a scene for the next story set in Elabi. That happened through a writing exercise based on Colossians 1. Someone was trying to escape Elabi! I didn’t know who or why, only that the person was petrified, trying to buoy themselves up with that passage. Would it work? And whereabouts were they trying to run away from? 

November arrived again, and I knew I would be writing Macia’s story and it would be about the power of the Word of God, as there was nobody to speak to her about God. So I took a deep breath, typed Chapter 1, and remembered how, in Walled City, tiny portions of the Forbidden Book had been in circulation. Would it be enough to touch Macia? 

LOOKING AHEAD

I loved writing Beyond the Hills. It’s different from Walled City; a little slower, I suppose. Macia’s family was…interesting. I learned about paddleboarding, and now I want to try it, although I’m not anywhere near as fit and athletic as Macia. I love learning through my characters, and I’m looking forward to writing book three, which will deal with the area called Downstream. I’m plotting characters and writing notes already, but it will probably be my next NaNoWriMo project. 

My main aim in writing is to explore faith and Christian living, and it’s been wonderful to use World Building for this, as it allows you a lot more freedom to do so, I feel. Although Elabi, with its rules against beliefs and emotion, wouldn’t be my preferred holiday destination, the place has blessed me in many ways, and I hope others will enjoy these books.

Maressa Mortimer is Dutch but lives in the beautiful Cotswolds, England with her husband and four (adopted) children. Her debut novel, Sapphire Beach, was published December 2019, and her first self-published novel, Walled City, came out on 5 December 2020, followed by Viking Ferry, a novella. Beyond the Hills is the second book in the Elabi Chronicles, and will be released on 18 June 2021.

Maressa is a homeschooling mum as well as a pastor’s wife, so her writing has to be done in the evening when peace and quiet descend on the house once more. She loves writing Christian fiction, as it’s a great way to explore faith in daily life. Her books can be found on her website and you can follow Maressa on both Instagram and Facebook @vicarioush.ome

You can’t be each other’s heroes

I am so thrilled to welcome Lizzie Lowrie to our new series of blogs on marriage, which we started to celebrate the launch of Grace-Filled Marriage in order to continue the conversations about those aspects of marriage that don’t often get talked about. Lizzie and her husband have learned, through great personal loss and deep pain, that accepting you are not enough for one another will help to save your marriage when it hits difficulties. Here she shares some of their story, but do check out the details of her book Salt Water & Honey in the bio below.

We all build our understanding of life and faith and relationships around the world we’ve experienced and the story we’re living. Life feels safe in those boundaries, marriage feels safe in those boundaries. That is, until at some point, and Jesus promises this, we hit a season of pain, a dark night of the soul, a loss, a betrayal or a diagnosis and suddenly everything looks different and we’re completely and utterly lost. 

I remember the moment it happened to me. I was alone on a train when the world I knew and trusted began to fall apart. My husband Dave, scooped me up at the station and drove me to the hospital where the doctor confirmed my miscarriage. We drove home in silence, ate cheese on toast and went back to work the next day. We were disorientated but hopeful until I had another miscarriage, and another, and another…and two more after that. Six unexplained losses and life and faith had become unintelligible. 

DEALING WITH THE DISORIENTATION

Mingled in amongst our disappointment with God and the isolation of a grief that keeps on giving, there also emerged this deep feeling of shame; that somehow we should know what to do. But here’s the thing; no one knows what to do when you’re thrown into a season of struggle. I think that’s why it’s so painful, because you’re left without a plan and no matter how hard you try your heart won’t heal as quickly as you want it to. But rather than confess we weren’t coping, we faked our way into playing the roles we thought were expected of us and the roles we thought the other needed. Dave fulfilled the role of the strong man and he was great at it. Driving me to hospital, holding my hand and staying calm while I focused on doing everything in my power to become a mother. 

NOT ENOUGH

We lost our fourth, fifth and sixth pregnancies while we were living in Cambridge, where Dave was training to be a vicar. Outside of the grief of our losses he was loving the opportunity to study and explore his calling and I wanted to celebrate this with him, but I couldn’t. With every loss, I was being dragged further and further away from the life I longed for. I became increasingly bitter with disappointment as the idol of motherhood consumed more and more of my heart. Meanwhile, Dave worked harder and harder to make up for the huge aching gaps left in our hearts and our home. But no matter how hard he tried to make our life better, he couldn’t. You see, there’s something we both learned in the dark pit of grief; that we weren’t enough for each other. Not only that, we were never meant to be enough for each other. Dave couldn’t heal me just as much as I couldn’t heal him. We needed to stop trying to fix each other, and had to ask for help. Rather than keep hiding and faking it we had to let ourselves be found.

FINDING COMMUNITY

From the Garden of Eden we’ve inherited this tendency to hide when life doesn’t go to plan because we believe the struggle we’re wrestling with declares us inadequate. Rather than acknowledge the impact this fallen and imperfect world has had on our lives and our hearts, we give in to shame. There is so much shame around miscarriage, infertility and childlessness. No matter how much Dave and I loved each other, or how much we prayed, we could not have a child. I could not fulfil a role that our world, and so often our churches, exalts as a definition of what it is to be a woman. Our lives failed to follow in the footsteps of our peers and the longing of our hearts. 

Our search for help was messy, but eventually we found people who had the courage to sit with us in our grief rather than offer clichés. They asked questions instead of pretending they knew what we were going through. They didn’t just drop a meal off and disappear, they remembered our losses one month, six months, a year and many years later. They cried with us, turned up at A&E and attended memorials for our children. They became our community of sufferers. Rather than watch us be changed by our losses, they courageously chose to be changed by our suffering as well. They became advocates for others struggling with miscarriage and infertility. Many of them are church leaders now and they continue to let their experience of walking with us through that season influence the way they serve their communities.

BEING KNOWN

The parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God so as to be loved and healed. It’s only in those instances where our shamed parts are known that they stand a chance of being redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.

Jesus says ‘come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest’ (Matthew 11:28). The moment we are conscious of being vulnerable, we have activated our sense of being alone. But as he did when seeking Adam and Eve, God invites us to live as we were made to live – in relationship, with him and with others, in the state of being known. Dave and I didn’t heal each other, we learnt to talk and listen to each other better, but the healing only began when we realised we couldn’t be each other’s heroes. We needed God and we needed community, for the parts of our lives that are most known by God and others will know the greatest joy in healing as they are known. 

Lizzie is an author, speaker and coffee shop church planter who lives in Liverpool with her vicar-husband Dave and their dog Betsy. She loves talking about the messiness of life and creating safe spaces for people to share their stories. Lizzie writes about miscarriage, infertility, childlessness and faith in her memoir Salt Water & Honey and on www.saltwaterandhoney.org. She is also the co-lead pastor and creative lead of StoryHouse; an independent coffee shop and church she started with her husband and a bunch of friends. 

Faith, love…and cancer

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I am delighted to welcome Kate Nicholas to my blog, who shares openly about the things that have caused pressure on her marriage – and how she and her husband John have navigated them.

All marriages face challenges but what about when that the thing that might divide you is your faith?

I met my wonderful husband John 27 years ago while working in Australia. After suffering a bit of an existential crisis at the age of 29, I had bought a round-the-world ticket and set off on something of a spiritual quest. 

Although I was brought up as Baptist, I was very influenced by my father, a brilliant but eccentric poet, who was bipolar. When he repeatedly threatened to take his own life, I turned to the Church to help me understand how God could love my father but let him suffer so much. When the Church provided no answer, I turned my back on God in anger. God, however, wasn’t willing to let me go. After travelling and studying Buddhism in India and Thailand, I came to the conclusion that a world without Him didn’t make sense – and began my journey back to Christ. 

A PROFOUND CONNECTION

The chances of meeting my husband were a million to one. After a year of travelling in South East Asia I ended up living in a backpacker hostel in Sydney and working with UNICEF Australia. It was a dorm mate who told me about this crazy Australian hippie who for the last 18 months had been cycling solo around Australia and was in Sydney for one night only to get his bike fixed. As it was his birthday, a group of people were going down the Rocks to celebrate and I was invited. 

It was love at first sight. I was a successful PR executive on a break from reality; he was seven years younger, had hair longer than mine and no discernible source of income. We were not an obvious combination but there was a profound connection. The next day he didn’t leave as planned and we have been together ever since. 

When we met we talked a little about faith. The child of Lithuanian refugees, he was brought up in the Catholic church. While he seemed to have a private faith and some deeply held basic beliefs, he no longer attended Mass. However, we recognised that we looked out on the world from a similar place and shared deeply held values about the prioritising of experience over money, and relationships over success. 

FINDING FAITH

After a further year travelling in Australia, India and Thailand we settled back in the UK where I continued to explore my faith, studying scripture and attending an Anglican church. Then in my early 40s, I had a profound ‘born again’ conversion experience; a powerful baptism of the Holy Spirit – and my life changed radically. I became an authorised preacher in the Anglican church, gave up my job as editor-in-chief of a secular current affairs magazine and moved to Christian aid agency World Vision. There, I was exposed to the great diversity of God’s Church, and met the most extraordinary faith-filled individuals in some of the toughest places on the planet. 

But as my own faith deepened, it pained me that my husband wasn’t sharing the experience. At my encouragement he came to some services with me but didn’t feel comfortable. I will never forget one wonderful World Vision event led by Joel Edwards and the Holy Trinity Brompton band. While everyone else threw themselves into arm-waving, Spirit-filled worship, my husband stood stock still in wide-eyed horror. He was definitely a fish out of water.

But when I was being reviewed for further training in the church, John affirmed to interviewers that he had ‘a mustard seed of faith’ and has supported me on every step of my journey. When I debated whether to take the role of Global Communications chief for World Vision International (with all the travel it involved), it was my husband who asked me: ‘What will you think when you look back and realise that you turned down this enormous opportunity that God has given you?’  

FAITHFULNESS

When I was first diagnosed with advanced cancer six years ago, John was amazed at the peace that seemed to descend on me. He commented: ‘I know it didn’t come from you, as you could worry the leg off a table’. He prayed with me before every scan and oncology review and while I was going through treatment volunteered to take our children to church. 

Over the years I have tried to evangelise my husband in various ways. But I have come to realise it is presumptuous of me to assume that he doesn’t have a relationship with God (just because his relationship is different to mine) and that it is sheer arrogance to think that his eternal salvation is somehow down to me. 

If anyone had told John that the footloose traveller that he met all those years ago would give her whole life over to ‘declaring the works of the Lord’ (Psalm 118:17), he might have thought twice about marrying me. But, despite the radical change that Jesus has wrought in my life and the many challenges we have faced, he is still by my side as my faithful and loving partner. That in itself speaks volumes. And my hope is that simply by living out my faith I am witnessing to God’s love. And as Paul says: ‘how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?’ (1 Corinthians 7:14-16).

A PLACE OF ACCEPTANCE

Now after six years in remission, I once again face the challenge of cancer. I still can’t persuade my husband to attend church for himself but he is there for me in every way possible, and I now accept that no matter how close we may be, John’s ‘soul story’ will not be the same as mine. But I trust, and have confidence, that God isn’t willing to let John go either, and that one day that mustard seed will blossom gloriously. 

Kate Nicholas is a Christian author, broadcaster and preacher. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (Authentic) tells the story of her unconventional journey of faith and healing. And her latest book Souls’ Scribe: Connecting Your Story with God’s Narrative (Authentic) helps readers to understand and tell their own ‘soul story’.

You can find out more about Kate’s books, TV shows and course and subscribe to her blog to follow her current journey of faith through cancer. 

Big day

I am delighted to welcome Paul White to my blog, who is helping us to consider the impact of that big day: Pentecost.

As big days go this is up there.

We have the big day when God spoke and a universe was born – elements exploding into existence, galaxies spiralling in ever-increasing magnitude, atomic suns vast and even more vast blasting out their blazing light for the first time. That was a big day. There was another big day, although less conspicuous – a tiny baby was placed in an animal feeding trough serving as a cradle while multitudes of angels filled the night sky with singing. Then there was the big day, which seemed like a very bad day, when the most incredible human being who ever lived was grotesquely nailed onto a wooden execution pole. This was followed speedily by another massively big day when suddenly the same human being burst out of the rocky tomb, fully, completely, wonderfully alive! Big day. 

This big day is about 120 uncertain disciples in an upstairs room of a house, waiting. They’re waiting because the One who burst out of the tomb a few weeks earlier had told them to wait. He told them to wait and they would receive power when the Holy Spirit – the breath of God – came upon them. There is nothing very remarkable about 120 people in a waiting room, but what happened next changed the course of human history. As they prayed the whole house was physically shaken and a sound came from heaven like a powerful roaring wind, which entered the house and filled it. Flames of fire broke out and rested on each of the disciples, but they were not burned. Spontaneously the 120 began babbling in languages they had never learned, which just happened to be the native tongues of the many foreign visitors present in the city of Jerusalem celebrating the Feast of Pentecost.

ATTRACTIVE SOUND

The sound from heaven attracted many of those pilgrims and a crowd gathered around the now very excited disciples – so excited and euphoric, that the cynics dismissed them as drunk. Peter, however, seizing the moment, stood up in front of a massive crowd and skilfully explained how this spectacle was actually a fulfilment of a prophecy contained in their own Jewish scriptures from a prophet called Joel. Joel foresaw a day when God would pour out his Spirit on “all flesh” (Joel 2:28). Peter, famous for denying all knowledge of Jesus at the night of his trial, preached like a pro about Jesus – his suffering, death and resurrection, and now this – how this unfolding drama was all part of God’s master plan, and had been made possible because Jesus fully accomplished his mission and had returned to God the Father. 

TURBO HUMAN

Jesus, for all the amazing things he did, could only be in one place at one time. Pentecost meant that now his Spirit, or breath, or essence, or nature, or all of these was distributed to ordinary unqualified human beings. The idea was that these God-powered turbo humans ran around the face of the earth infecting everyone else with the same Holy Spirit. Wow!

It turns out, if we read the Bible, that the Spirit or breath of God was the creative power behind the creation of the universe. This Spirit, living in Jesus, healed blind people, put power into paralysed limbs, raised dead people and catapulted Jesus, himself, from the tomb – alive. Surely Pentecost should not just be another date on the Church calendar when we read particular passages of the Bible and sing particular hymns? Surely we should be lining ourselves up to be as full as possible with the Holy Spirit every day, and giving him away at every opportunity…

WHAT IS POSSIBLE?

If the estimates are correct, something close to 30 per cent of the global population now call themselves Christians. That is quite spectacular. If we consider the impact of those 120 original Pentecostal disciples – in a few short years they were accused of having “turned the world upside down” (Acts 17:6). What might 2-3 billion people be capable of, filled with the same power?

THE CHRISTING

In my book, The Christing, recently released by Authentic Media, we take a gallop through the Bible to discover how it has always been God’s plan to use unremarkable human beings to do the most remarkable things. We discover that Christ means anointed, in the same way we might apply ointment, or that a queen or king of the United Kingdom is anointed with oil. We see that the anointing of Jesus is the Holy Spirit, and that the Holy Spirit is a person, not a thing. Take a look and see how the anointing of the Holy Spirit, or the Christing, can transform not only your life but also that of your colleagues, friends, family and random people you encounter through life.

Paul White has a degree in Fine Art (Painting). He now leads the Prayerhouse Church in Weymouth. Married to Anna, he has four amazing children who are the craziest but most beautiful friends and influencers in his life.

Building resilience

We had a wonderful book launch last Friday – if you missed it you can still watch it here. We were joined by Chine McDonald from Christian Aid, Lucinda and Will van der Hart, who is a founder of Mind and Soul Foundation, and Patrick and Diane Regan from Kintsugi Hope. Each of them also contributed to our book, so we were thrilled when they agreed to be a part of a panel discussing how to build resilience in our marriages.

Our friend Michaela Hyde from Marriage Foundation asked them about their own stories, and how they had developed resilience through the tough times, but also the advice they would give to couples as we begin to come out of lockdown.

Here are some of their tips, plus a few of ours added in too. These are for marriages, but actually most are just as pertinent to relationships of any kind:

Resilience is like a muscle – it can be strengthened and grown, so don’t been concerned if you don’t think you are very resilient right now.

Marriage is a like a dance – you will need to move positions, change the tempo at times – and accept the season you are in.

Don’t make any big decisions now – we have all been through so much during the pandemic, it is important to draw breath and have some space to process. 

Re-establish marriage time – if this is one of the things that has been trickier during lockdown, try and make it a priority now. Setting aside an evening a week to simply focus on your relationship is so important – and helpful.

Go gently and be kind to one another You need to be intentional about this – and recognise that you will probably be at different stages in how you are responding to coming out of lockdown.

Don’t blame one another – and forgive quickly when necessary. 

Stay connected – you may have needed to find new routines during lockdown; try to keep finding new ways of connecting with one another.

Keep the lines of communication open – and don’t expect the other to know what you are thinking/needing.

Learn to listen well – even when you have a difference of opinion – and be willing to learn from the other.

Make time to laugh together – try to find the funny side even in hard times, and do fun things together.

Be honest and open – with each other and others.

Don’t ignore problems – take time to pray about them then work through them graciously together.

Keep investing in your relationship – keep moving forward – together.

Have courage, curiosity and compassion – don’t always believe everything you think, be compassionate towards one another and yourselves, and have the courage to ask for help from others as well as God. As couples we should not be isolated islands.

If you would like to buy a copy of Grace-Filled Marriage, you can do so here.

Grace-Filled Marriage launches!

Today is the official publication day for our new book Grace-Filled Marriage! It has been a long journey to get here, but we are thrilled that the book is finally out. We’ve had some wonderful reviews coming in – so I just wanted to share a few with you:

‘Grace Filled Marriage brings together great scripturally based wisdom and advice, and marries it seamlessly with compelling real- life stories. I found these little snapshots into other people’s marriage struggles particularly helpful, not least the authors’ own candid revelations of their own troubled marriage journey. It is a brave thing to do, to let God use your own ‘warts and all’ story to bring hope to others. And I think that is what Claire and Steve have done. You know that they know what they are talking about. You can trust they have ‘been there, done that’, and come through it all with a stronger, more loving, more God- honouring marriage  -because of His redemptive grace and their willingness to fight. I pray God will honour them for that vulnerability.’ – Joy Margetts

‘This is one of the very best books on marriage I’ve ever read…Because both Claire and Steve tell their stories, each from their own perspective, there’s a balance of male and female input; so I passed the book to my husband and he too read it and found it extremely helpful. In fact, we’ve talked about the positive differences we’ve noticed in our own relationship since reading the book! Which is why I can truly recommend it. In fact, I wish every couple would read it. And everyone preparing for marriage, too!’ – Penelope Swithinbank

‘Your book on marriage is the best I’ve read on the subject and much needed, with its brave honesty and lack of platitudes. It will be so helpful to everyone wanting to build stronger relationships full of grace.’ – Liz Carter

‘Claire and Steve Musters have written a brave, honest, and utterly compelling book about the difficulties they have faced within their marriage and how they found grace and healing through Jesus. Drawing on other real life marriage stories coupled with sound biblical advice this book is a must read for married couples, whether you are just starting out together or have been in a long term partnership. Even as a single person I found some of the advice really useful as it’s sound principles can be applied to all relationships. It’s an absolute gem and I highly recommend it!’ – Ali Grafham

BUYING THE BOOK

If you are interested in purchasing a copy of Grace-Filled Marriage you can buy a signed copy from my bookshop, or by emailing me direct: cmusters@icloud.com (the best option if you want to buy multiple copies or other books by me too, as I can sort a discount!) You can also buy from online shops but do ask your local bookshop if they can stock it too!

Go gently

As a nation we have begun the journey out of lockdown and, hopefully, that will continue over the next month or so. There has been such a sense of anticipation, and quite a lot of excitement. People have enjoyed being able to meet up with others outside, and even enjoy a meal outside. However, it is so important to go gently.

THE IMPACT OF THE LAST YEAR

What we have been through during this pandemic has been huge – even if, like me, it hasn’t actually affected your day-to-day life as much as it has for others. As someone who already worked from home, my work didn’t really change. However, there was a lot more of it and I was interacting with others working from their homes rather than office spaces.

Even so, I am very aware of the emotional toll this year has taken on me. Feelings of overwhelm seem to strike regularly. Having researched and written articles on the emotional cost of lockdown, as well as having spoken to many others feeling similarly, it does seem that there has been a far-reaching effect that we are going to continue to experience the impact of for years to come. So again, please do go gently.

STRENGTHENED OR STRETCHED?

For those of us that are married – as well as those living with others – our closest relationship(s) will also have been impacted. Encouragingly, recent surveys suggest that many marriages have come out stronger. Couples have recognised the pressure and made a conscious decision to invest in the relationship and support one another well. But for others, the added stress of being with one another 24/7 has put a spotlight on underlying issues. If that is you, can I encourage you to go gently – but not to ignore what has come to light. Talk to one another, try and take positive steps to resolve conflicts – and pull in trusted friends if necessary.

And for all of us, let’s not rush to try and put this incredibly difficult year behind us. If we bury the hard emotions they will simply resurface in weeks, months or even years to come – and not in a good way. 

Go gently… on each other if you notice you have shorter fuses than usual

Go gently… if you notice one of you is feeling overwhelmed and you aren’t sure why

Go gently… if one of you is itching to begin socialising again and the other is reticent. Take time to talk it through – and go at a pace agreed by you both. 

There are many other scenarios I could have picked – but I hope you have the message by now. Please go gently, and take care of yourself and those closest to you.

NB If you feel you would like some additional resources for your marriage, our book Grace-Filled Marriage is publishing in just over a week – we’d love for you to take a look.

Marriage, grief and thankfulness

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Photo by Jeremy Wong on Unsplash*

Today we all heard the sad news that Prince Philip has passed away. Having watched my dad (mainly from afar due to Covid) cope with the death of my mum just over a year ago, I was immediately reminded of how tough it is to lose a life-time partner. How lost and alone you can feel.

I was really struck by what Rachel Gardner put on social media: “Today our Queen is simply a woman who has lost her beloved husband of 70 years.” How true that is.

Here are some of thoughts I’ve had today about marriage, grief and thankfulness.

FACING THE CHALLENGES

For any couple, reaching the milestone of 70 years of marriage is enormous, and it is so sad that Prince Philip was so close to his 100th birthday. Yes, they certainly had a privileged existence – I’m not here today to discuss whether I’m a royalist or anti-royalist. But they also had duties that would have added extra strain to their relationship.

Deep down, however, they were still a couple who managed to stick together for an incredible amount of time. In our forthcoming book, Grace-Filled Marriage, blogger Lucy Rycroft from The Hope-filled Family, commented on the lessons she learned about marriage from watching The Crown. Here is the section from our book that discusses what she said: “Obviously a work of fiction, she [Lucy] spoke of how refreshing it was ‘that the script has been written to highlight tensions and situations that are very believable . . . One thing I particularly like is the way Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip’s marriage is portrayed, warts and all.’

“Despite the fact they are not a ‘normal’ couple, the Queen and Prince Philip undoubtedly face the same struggles that other couples do. There must be times when one of them finds the other tiresome, or they simply feel like they are out of touch with one another. In her blog, Lucy looks at an episode during which the Queen finishes a gruelling world tour, Philip goes on his own tour for a month, and when he comes back the Queen speaks candidly about the fact that divorce is not an option for them. She asks Prince Philip what it would take for him to be invested wholeheartedly in their marriage again.”

FAITH AS THE FUEL

That episode obviously covered both the sense of duty but also the fact that the marriage was under pressure. While we don’t know exactly what happened within their marriage, it is easy to imagine that there could have been moments like that. Knowing how strong the Queen’s faith is, I can also imagine that it helped strengthen and keep her resolve within her marriage, as well as other scenarios.

While we might not face the same situations that they did in their marriage, each one of our relationships will face different stresses and strains. May our faith fuel our responses too.

BEING THANKFUL

I am sure that the Queen is feeling the full weight of grief right now – and that she will continue journeying with it. While a strong, solid figure, she is also an elderly woman who no longer has the man who was always by her side. That is going to take some getting used to, however many ‘officials’ she has around her day by day.

While the prince had been ill for some time, when a loved one finally dies the pang of separation is no less because it was expected. But I think today is a stark reminder to us of two things: 1. the importance of togetherness in our marriage, whatever pressure it may be under; 2. how vital it is to be thankful for one another every single day, as we never know when it will be our last one together.

Let us pray for our Queen, that she may be comforted by God’s presence in her grief. And, as we consider marriage, grief and thankfulness, may we take time to reflect on our own relationships and thank God for them. Can you find a practical way to show your husband or wife how much they mean to you this weekend?

  • I haven’t used a picture of the Queen, as I worked on a magazine during her 80th birthday and the rules surrounding using images of her are so strict I wouldn’t want to get anything wrong! But I also thought using a stock photo brings home the message that actually she is simply like any wife who has just lost her husband… Whatever our circumstances, death is the great leveller.

Showing compassion

Photo by Alex Green from Pexels

This is the start of what will be regular posts on marriage, as we look towards (and beyond) the launch of our book Grace-filled Marriage.

As we are easing slowly out of lockdown, now is a good time to reflect on whether you feel your marriage has been strengthened by the experience – or if you are feeling the strain. One of the ways you can gauge that is by asking whether you are showing compassion to you partner – and yourself.

I think it is important that we all acknowledge we have been affected by the past year, and that will undoubtedly have a knock-on effect on our closest relationships, including our marriage.

HEIGHTENED EMOTIONS

I am very aware of how close to the surface my emotions have become. I found it extremely helpful when I chatted to Dr Kate Middleton in preparation for an article I was writing for Premier Christianity magazine. She explained to me that: “Life is a bit like climbing a wall – you know where all the handholds are, so you can just do it without thinking. But the pandemic has knocked out every aspect of normal life. So you’re climbing a wall, but there are no handholds. And actually, the wall’s changed too. And every time you figure out how to climb it, there are new boulders or a handhold’s moved. It’s constant demand on your mind, which means that your stress baseline has risen.”

We all have a point where our mental and cognitive resources are about to be exceeded. With the baseline risen right up to near that crisis point, any little challenge in everyday life can tip us over into what is called “the overwhelm space”. Here, our brain “starts to close down anything that feels non-essential. So your ability to think clearly is dropped right down. You can’t focus. You can’t remember things as well. Your emotions are really close to the surface.” 

FEELING OVERWHELMED

Steve and I have both commented that our memories have worsened during this year. And what Kate said about emotions really describes me. Even after losing my mum just before lockdown, then coping with the added workload it meant for us as a family when my husband had to move the church services online, I seemed to be OK. I recognised I was grieving and made allowances for that. But then I was also so keen to ensure everyone in church felt connected that I worked myself too hard, and reached burnout by last summer.

I changed the pace, and thought I was doing OK again, but some recent difficulties we’ve been dealing with as a family have made me feel overwhelmed 99 per cent of the time. Nowadays I regularly say to my family: “remember I’m just below that overwhelm point – I could tip over at any point”. I recognise that that’s a cry from me, for them to consider showing compassion towards me.

LOSING IT

I would say that Steve and I have coped incredibly well with all that life has thrown at us and the community that we care for during the pandemic. We have worked well together, helped one another out and spent plenty of time lifting situations and people before God. And yet there have been moments when the stress has shown. We have both had difficulty sleeping – and have been quicker to lose our tempers (much more abnormal for Steve than me!).

One illustration of how my emotions keep spilling out of me was when we were planning the Easter service. Steve had overall responsibility for it, and was preaching, while I was leading worship. I had planned the songs around when he wanted us to take communion. Then, on Good Friday morning, as he completed his preach he felt he needed to move communion back to after his talk. I completely lost it – initially shouting but then simply breaking down. As soon as he walked away, I immediately envisioned what songs could change and how I could reorder things. I also recognised that that conversation had been the tipping point for a lot of emotion about the burdens I was carrying at the time (an extra workload, supporting our children through some difficulties).

When Steve reappeared I apologised, and explained that I was more than able to accommodate his request – but that I also felt like I could no longer cope. I was able to explain to him how I was feeling and we were able to share the burden and pray about it. I needed to show compassion to myself in that moment – but also to him. The thought had crossed my mind that he should know what I was facing and how I was feeling, but then I checked myself. (Writing a chapter about that helped prompt me – although I did also inwardly groan. 😉 )

BEING KIND TO ONE ANOTHER

In ‘normal’ life we all have moments when we feel stressed and therefore don’t behave in quite the way we should towards our partner. This is when showing compassion to each other is so important. It is even more vital after what we have experienced in the past year.

As Sarah and Jeff Walton share so wisely in Grace-filled Marriage: “Suffering doesn’t make us sinful; it simply draws our sin to the surface…We have to remember that the same is true for our spouse. It’s easy to excuse our own sinful response to suffering, while condemning our spouse’s. So, before we react to our spouse, we need to remind ourselves of what Christ has done for us so that we can respond with grace and humility, knowing when to be quiet and let the Spirit work in our spouse and when to gently point out an area of struggle. 

“One thing that has helped in regards to when to speak and when to be quiet has been asking ourselves if our spouse is speaking out of emotion (or as Job says, ‘speaking words of the wind’ [see Job 6:26; 8:2]), which is often spoken out of grief rather than theological belief. We don’t need to correct everything our spouse says that isn’t true in the heat of the moment, but gently and humbly point out or challenge a consistent action or way of thinking that becomes a pattern. Our aim is to bless our spouse by pointing them to greater freedom in Christ, not burdening them down with harsh and unhelpful words.”

UNDERSTANDING ONE ANOTHER

Steve could have corrected me for the way I behaved on Good Friday, but thankfully he recognised there was something else going on and showed compassion towards me. And I was able to speak up and explain to him how I was feeling – thereby showing compassion to us both. It was important that he recognised how his request had exacerbated how I was feeling – but now he had a chance to do something about that.

There may be moments in which you both react in ways that reveal an underlying stress caused by this pandemic. The question is: will you show compassion to one another?