Category: On marriage

Grace-Filled Marriage turns 1!

I can’t quite believe that our Grace-Filled Marriage book has just turned one! As part of our celebrations we are offering a ten per cent discount on single orders as well as free postage (UK only). Please email me on cmusters@icloud.com if you would like to find out more – or to arrange a discount for multiple copies. As it is Marriage Week from 10–16 May this is the perfect time to focus on your marriage. You could also encourage friends, family and church members to do the same! I will keep the offer going throughout Marriage Week. We have also provided a series of videos to accompany the book, through the Big Church Read. While you can work through them as a couple, they are perfect to watch and discuss alongside other couples that you trust.

Can I also ask anyone who has read the book but not posted a review to consider doing so – it really does help authors when you do. Thank you so much.

Learning to celebrate despite heartache

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My life has been filled with some deep griefs in recent years. As a family we are walking through an intensely difficult time right now. It is hard for us to plan anything and often we aren’t able to do things that we used to take for granted.

So when it came to my husband’s recent 50th birthday I was concerned whether we would be able to celebrate it well. Although, in all honesty, I felt too exhausted to try and do more than get through each day. The idea of organising anything that might need to be cancelled filled me with dread.

Then we decided to utilise a voucher some friends had given us to do something for just the two of us. We downed tools very early one day, and went out for a slap-up brunch while the kids were at school. While it was stressful to get out, we were so pleased we had made the effort.

LEARNING HOW TO REMEMBER AND CELEBRATE WELL

The arrangements then kept falling into place. We were blessed to be able to see friends as well as family to celebrate my husband and what he means to us all. It truly was a special time for him. However, it was constantly punctuated with the sadness of life’s obstacles yet to be overcome.

As we were in the midst of our busy weekend, I kept being reminded of the Israelites in the wilderness. While God provided for their needs their day-to-day experiences must have been tough. A nomadic lifestyle, no modern-day facilities or medicines, and having to bury their dead before moving on… What harsh realities they must have faced. And yet God taught them the importance of remembering and celebrating through the many festival days that were a part of the law shared with Moses on Mt Sinai.

Click here to read the rest of this article.

Working hard for our ‘happily ever after’

I am delighted to welcome Fiona Banes from Time for Marriage to my blog continuing our series based on seeing God’s grace in marriages. Here she describes how her and husband Andy were going through the motions, despondent that ‘happily ever after’ wasn’t happening, when a marriage enrichment weekend literally changes their lives.

As a teenager I was obsessed with romance. I was desperate to fall in love and live happily ever after. I didn’t date many guys and, when I did, I quickly knew that they weren’t ‘the one’…until I met Andy. He was funny, handsome, engaging and I could talk to him about anything. As we dated, we quickly became best friends and within weeks were talking of marriage and spending the rest of our lives together…happily ever after.

THE BUBBLE BURST

Within 18 months we were married and within six months of that, the shock started to settle in that actually this might not be ‘happily ever after’. It probably wasn’t going to be eternal romance and him sweeping me off my feet. We were surprised to discover that as well as our similarities, we also had differences and things we simply didn’t agree on. 

I’m a bit messy and Andy is tidy so when, six months into our marriage, I still hadn’t unpacked the boxes that I’d moved into his home, a source of tension crept in that has been something we’ve had to work on throughout our married lives. 

There have been other things too: I wear my heart on my sleeve whereas Andy was more private (he’s learned to be more open!). So, I began to tell people that I wasn’t very much enjoying married life, much to Andy’s embarrassment, and occasionally I told people I wasn’t sure I’d married the right guy! We had absolutely no idea how to do marriage.

BEING INTENTIONAL

Things settled down for a while and then we had kids. They came 18 months apart, crying, not sleeping, on the go all the time, just after we’d moved away from our hometown and support network, and Andy had just set up his own business. I hit postnatal depression and we quickly settled into a kind of sibling relationship where we argued over who had looked after the kids longest and barely tolerated each other. The shattered dreams of ‘happily ever after’ turned into wanting out of a marriage that was making each of us miserable. So, we had a conversation about separating. However, we knew that neither of us would cope with the kids on our own, so we decided to stay together. 

The intentionality of that decision made us realise that we needed to start to put more effort into our relationship. Slowly things improved and we were surprised to find ourselves celebrating ten years of marriage – an ‘OK’ marriage. So, I thought it would be great to go on a marriage enrichment weekend and learn some skills to enhance our marriage. Andy thought it would be WAY more fun to go to the Caribbean!  Fortunately, we got to do both.  

A CHANGE OF DIRECTION

The marriage enrichment weekend not only transformed our marriage but, in the long run, changed our lives. The weekend was soaked in the Holy Spirit and during each session, we were encouraged to ask ourselves what’s God’s plan for us was. We remembered what we loved about each other and dreamed a vision for what our relationship could be like in the future. Not an idealistic, unrealistic dream, but a commitment to making our relationship the best it could be. 

We came away with a deep connection on a solid foundation that would protect our marriage and see us through years to come. Friends and family were blown away by the difference in us and went on marriage weekends to see what it would do for their own marriages. Eventually we got involved and took over leadership of the marriage organisation running the weekends, which is now called Time for Marriage.

LESSONS LEARNED

Naturally, since our marriage was magically transformed, everything has been a breeze. I joke, obviously. We have had, and continue to have, seasons of challenge in our marriage. We are growing, evolving and changing humans and must adapt to each other’s changes. The foundation of commitment and the tools we have learned have made us do the work to ensure each other and our marriage flourishes. Marriage is HARD work, but it is also an incredible gift to live life with your best friend by your side.

Some things we’ve learned along the way:

Communication is key When we listen and try to understand (with an objective of really ‘getting into each other’s shoes’), we can meet each other’s needs and move forward. 

Fun Often when we don’t feel great about life, it’s because we’ve lost a sense of fun. Maybe we need to schedule some date time into our diaries. For us, having fun brings about a sense of connection and it can be as simple as a cheeky G&T on the sofa in our kitchen on a weeknight.

Forgiveness is vital On our marriage weekend, we were able to forgive each other all the past grudges we had held that had built up over the ten years. We also got into a habit of forgiving each other quickly after that. This has helped us move forward quickly when we fall out…because we do fall out – that’s married life for you.

Kindness is the ultimate way of showing love to each other I realised several years ago that I’m not always very kind to Andy. It was a real revelation thath I’ve been working on ever since. Two years ago, Andy experienced bereavement and the pursuit of kindness meant that I was able to support him in a way that made him feel profoundly loved during that season.

Accept that change is here to stay We are evolving humans. Life is messy. If we can accept that change will happen then we can become more resilient towards dealing with difficulties when they hit us. Fortunately, seasons come and go, so it’s unlikely each current situation will stay forever.

Fiona Banes is Executive Director of Time for Marriage alongside husband Andy. They’ve been married 28 years and have two grown up children and a grandson. Time for Marriage runs marriage enrichment weekends across the UK and overseas and also online. These weekends are an opportunity for couples to discover God’s plan for their marriage. They are also SYMBIS practitioners.

You can’t be each other’s heroes

I am so thrilled to welcome Lizzie Lowrie to our new series of blogs on marriage, which we started to celebrate the launch of Grace-Filled Marriage in order to continue the conversations about those aspects of marriage that don’t often get talked about. Lizzie and her husband have learned, through great personal loss and deep pain, that accepting you are not enough for one another will help to save your marriage when it hits difficulties. Here she shares some of their story, but do check out the details of her book Salt Water & Honey in the bio below.

We all build our understanding of life and faith and relationships around the world we’ve experienced and the story we’re living. Life feels safe in those boundaries, marriage feels safe in those boundaries. That is, until at some point, and Jesus promises this, we hit a season of pain, a dark night of the soul, a loss, a betrayal or a diagnosis and suddenly everything looks different and we’re completely and utterly lost. 

I remember the moment it happened to me. I was alone on a train when the world I knew and trusted began to fall apart. My husband Dave, scooped me up at the station and drove me to the hospital where the doctor confirmed my miscarriage. We drove home in silence, ate cheese on toast and went back to work the next day. We were disorientated but hopeful until I had another miscarriage, and another, and another…and two more after that. Six unexplained losses and life and faith had become unintelligible. 

DEALING WITH THE DISORIENTATION

Mingled in amongst our disappointment with God and the isolation of a grief that keeps on giving, there also emerged this deep feeling of shame; that somehow we should know what to do. But here’s the thing; no one knows what to do when you’re thrown into a season of struggle. I think that’s why it’s so painful, because you’re left without a plan and no matter how hard you try your heart won’t heal as quickly as you want it to. But rather than confess we weren’t coping, we faked our way into playing the roles we thought were expected of us and the roles we thought the other needed. Dave fulfilled the role of the strong man and he was great at it. Driving me to hospital, holding my hand and staying calm while I focused on doing everything in my power to become a mother. 

NOT ENOUGH

We lost our fourth, fifth and sixth pregnancies while we were living in Cambridge, where Dave was training to be a vicar. Outside of the grief of our losses he was loving the opportunity to study and explore his calling and I wanted to celebrate this with him, but I couldn’t. With every loss, I was being dragged further and further away from the life I longed for. I became increasingly bitter with disappointment as the idol of motherhood consumed more and more of my heart. Meanwhile, Dave worked harder and harder to make up for the huge aching gaps left in our hearts and our home. But no matter how hard he tried to make our life better, he couldn’t. You see, there’s something we both learned in the dark pit of grief; that we weren’t enough for each other. Not only that, we were never meant to be enough for each other. Dave couldn’t heal me just as much as I couldn’t heal him. We needed to stop trying to fix each other, and had to ask for help. Rather than keep hiding and faking it we had to let ourselves be found.

FINDING COMMUNITY

From the Garden of Eden we’ve inherited this tendency to hide when life doesn’t go to plan because we believe the struggle we’re wrestling with declares us inadequate. Rather than acknowledge the impact this fallen and imperfect world has had on our lives and our hearts, we give in to shame. There is so much shame around miscarriage, infertility and childlessness. No matter how much Dave and I loved each other, or how much we prayed, we could not have a child. I could not fulfil a role that our world, and so often our churches, exalts as a definition of what it is to be a woman. Our lives failed to follow in the footsteps of our peers and the longing of our hearts. 

Our search for help was messy, but eventually we found people who had the courage to sit with us in our grief rather than offer clichés. They asked questions instead of pretending they knew what we were going through. They didn’t just drop a meal off and disappear, they remembered our losses one month, six months, a year and many years later. They cried with us, turned up at A&E and attended memorials for our children. They became our community of sufferers. Rather than watch us be changed by our losses, they courageously chose to be changed by our suffering as well. They became advocates for others struggling with miscarriage and infertility. Many of them are church leaders now and they continue to let their experience of walking with us through that season influence the way they serve their communities.

BEING KNOWN

The parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God so as to be loved and healed. It’s only in those instances where our shamed parts are known that they stand a chance of being redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.

Jesus says ‘come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest’ (Matthew 11:28). The moment we are conscious of being vulnerable, we have activated our sense of being alone. But as he did when seeking Adam and Eve, God invites us to live as we were made to live – in relationship, with him and with others, in the state of being known. Dave and I didn’t heal each other, we learnt to talk and listen to each other better, but the healing only began when we realised we couldn’t be each other’s heroes. We needed God and we needed community, for the parts of our lives that are most known by God and others will know the greatest joy in healing as they are known. 

Lizzie is an author, speaker and coffee shop church planter who lives in Liverpool with her vicar-husband Dave and their dog Betsy. She loves talking about the messiness of life and creating safe spaces for people to share their stories. Lizzie writes about miscarriage, infertility, childlessness and faith in her memoir Salt Water & Honey and on www.saltwaterandhoney.org. She is also the co-lead pastor and creative lead of StoryHouse; an independent coffee shop and church she started with her husband and a bunch of friends. 

Faith, love…and cancer

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I am delighted to welcome Kate Nicholas to my blog, who shares openly about the things that have caused pressure on her marriage – and how she and her husband John have navigated them.

All marriages face challenges but what about when that the thing that might divide you is your faith?

I met my wonderful husband John 27 years ago while working in Australia. After suffering a bit of an existential crisis at the age of 29, I had bought a round-the-world ticket and set off on something of a spiritual quest. 

Although I was brought up as Baptist, I was very influenced by my father, a brilliant but eccentric poet, who was bipolar. When he repeatedly threatened to take his own life, I turned to the Church to help me understand how God could love my father but let him suffer so much. When the Church provided no answer, I turned my back on God in anger. God, however, wasn’t willing to let me go. After travelling and studying Buddhism in India and Thailand, I came to the conclusion that a world without Him didn’t make sense – and began my journey back to Christ. 

A PROFOUND CONNECTION

The chances of meeting my husband were a million to one. After a year of travelling in South East Asia I ended up living in a backpacker hostel in Sydney and working with UNICEF Australia. It was a dorm mate who told me about this crazy Australian hippie who for the last 18 months had been cycling solo around Australia and was in Sydney for one night only to get his bike fixed. As it was his birthday, a group of people were going down the Rocks to celebrate and I was invited. 

It was love at first sight. I was a successful PR executive on a break from reality; he was seven years younger, had hair longer than mine and no discernible source of income. We were not an obvious combination but there was a profound connection. The next day he didn’t leave as planned and we have been together ever since. 

When we met we talked a little about faith. The child of Lithuanian refugees, he was brought up in the Catholic church. While he seemed to have a private faith and some deeply held basic beliefs, he no longer attended Mass. However, we recognised that we looked out on the world from a similar place and shared deeply held values about the prioritising of experience over money, and relationships over success. 

FINDING FAITH

After a further year travelling in Australia, India and Thailand we settled back in the UK where I continued to explore my faith, studying scripture and attending an Anglican church. Then in my early 40s, I had a profound ‘born again’ conversion experience; a powerful baptism of the Holy Spirit – and my life changed radically. I became an authorised preacher in the Anglican church, gave up my job as editor-in-chief of a secular current affairs magazine and moved to Christian aid agency World Vision. There, I was exposed to the great diversity of God’s Church, and met the most extraordinary faith-filled individuals in some of the toughest places on the planet. 

But as my own faith deepened, it pained me that my husband wasn’t sharing the experience. At my encouragement he came to some services with me but didn’t feel comfortable. I will never forget one wonderful World Vision event led by Joel Edwards and the Holy Trinity Brompton band. While everyone else threw themselves into arm-waving, Spirit-filled worship, my husband stood stock still in wide-eyed horror. He was definitely a fish out of water.

But when I was being reviewed for further training in the church, John affirmed to interviewers that he had ‘a mustard seed of faith’ and has supported me on every step of my journey. When I debated whether to take the role of Global Communications chief for World Vision International (with all the travel it involved), it was my husband who asked me: ‘What will you think when you look back and realise that you turned down this enormous opportunity that God has given you?’  

FAITHFULNESS

When I was first diagnosed with advanced cancer six years ago, John was amazed at the peace that seemed to descend on me. He commented: ‘I know it didn’t come from you, as you could worry the leg off a table’. He prayed with me before every scan and oncology review and while I was going through treatment volunteered to take our children to church. 

Over the years I have tried to evangelise my husband in various ways. But I have come to realise it is presumptuous of me to assume that he doesn’t have a relationship with God (just because his relationship is different to mine) and that it is sheer arrogance to think that his eternal salvation is somehow down to me. 

If anyone had told John that the footloose traveller that he met all those years ago would give her whole life over to ‘declaring the works of the Lord’ (Psalm 118:17), he might have thought twice about marrying me. But, despite the radical change that Jesus has wrought in my life and the many challenges we have faced, he is still by my side as my faithful and loving partner. That in itself speaks volumes. And my hope is that simply by living out my faith I am witnessing to God’s love. And as Paul says: ‘how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband?’ (1 Corinthians 7:14-16).

A PLACE OF ACCEPTANCE

Now after six years in remission, I once again face the challenge of cancer. I still can’t persuade my husband to attend church for himself but he is there for me in every way possible, and I now accept that no matter how close we may be, John’s ‘soul story’ will not be the same as mine. But I trust, and have confidence, that God isn’t willing to let John go either, and that one day that mustard seed will blossom gloriously. 

Kate Nicholas is a Christian author, broadcaster and preacher. Her best-selling memoir Sea Changed (Authentic) tells the story of her unconventional journey of faith and healing. And her latest book Souls’ Scribe: Connecting Your Story with God’s Narrative (Authentic) helps readers to understand and tell their own ‘soul story’.

You can find out more about Kate’s books, TV shows and course and subscribe to her blog to follow her current journey of faith through cancer. 

Building resilience

We had a wonderful book launch last Friday – if you missed it you can still watch it here. We were joined by Chine McDonald from Christian Aid, Lucinda and Will van der Hart, who is a founder of Mind and Soul Foundation, and Patrick and Diane Regan from Kintsugi Hope. Each of them also contributed to our book, so we were thrilled when they agreed to be a part of a panel discussing how to build resilience in our marriages.

Our friend Michaela Hyde from Marriage Foundation asked them about their own stories, and how they had developed resilience through the tough times, but also the advice they would give to couples as we begin to come out of lockdown.

Here are some of their tips, plus a few of ours added in too. These are for marriages, but actually most are just as pertinent to relationships of any kind:

Resilience is like a muscle – it can be strengthened and grown, so don’t been concerned if you don’t think you are very resilient right now.

Marriage is a like a dance – you will need to move positions, change the tempo at times – and accept the season you are in.

Don’t make any big decisions now – we have all been through so much during the pandemic, it is important to draw breath and have some space to process. 

Re-establish marriage time – if this is one of the things that has been trickier during lockdown, try and make it a priority now. Setting aside an evening a week to simply focus on your relationship is so important – and helpful.

Go gently and be kind to one another You need to be intentional about this – and recognise that you will probably be at different stages in how you are responding to coming out of lockdown.

Don’t blame one another – and forgive quickly when necessary. 

Stay connected – you may have needed to find new routines during lockdown; try to keep finding new ways of connecting with one another.

Keep the lines of communication open – and don’t expect the other to know what you are thinking/needing.

Learn to listen well – even when you have a difference of opinion – and be willing to learn from the other.

Make time to laugh together – try to find the funny side even in hard times, and do fun things together.

Be honest and open – with each other and others.

Don’t ignore problems – take time to pray about them then work through them graciously together.

Keep investing in your relationship – keep moving forward – together.

Have courage, curiosity and compassion – don’t always believe everything you think, be compassionate towards one another and yourselves, and have the courage to ask for help from others as well as God. As couples we should not be isolated islands.

If you would like to buy a copy of Grace-Filled Marriage, you can do so here.

Grace-Filled Marriage launches!

Today is the official publication day for our new book Grace-Filled Marriage! It has been a long journey to get here, but we are thrilled that the book is finally out. We’ve had some wonderful reviews coming in – so I just wanted to share a few with you:

‘Grace Filled Marriage brings together great scripturally based wisdom and advice, and marries it seamlessly with compelling real- life stories. I found these little snapshots into other people’s marriage struggles particularly helpful, not least the authors’ own candid revelations of their own troubled marriage journey. It is a brave thing to do, to let God use your own ‘warts and all’ story to bring hope to others. And I think that is what Claire and Steve have done. You know that they know what they are talking about. You can trust they have ‘been there, done that’, and come through it all with a stronger, more loving, more God- honouring marriage  -because of His redemptive grace and their willingness to fight. I pray God will honour them for that vulnerability.’ – Joy Margetts

‘This is one of the very best books on marriage I’ve ever read…Because both Claire and Steve tell their stories, each from their own perspective, there’s a balance of male and female input; so I passed the book to my husband and he too read it and found it extremely helpful. In fact, we’ve talked about the positive differences we’ve noticed in our own relationship since reading the book! Which is why I can truly recommend it. In fact, I wish every couple would read it. And everyone preparing for marriage, too!’ – Penelope Swithinbank

‘Your book on marriage is the best I’ve read on the subject and much needed, with its brave honesty and lack of platitudes. It will be so helpful to everyone wanting to build stronger relationships full of grace.’ – Liz Carter

‘Claire and Steve Musters have written a brave, honest, and utterly compelling book about the difficulties they have faced within their marriage and how they found grace and healing through Jesus. Drawing on other real life marriage stories coupled with sound biblical advice this book is a must read for married couples, whether you are just starting out together or have been in a long term partnership. Even as a single person I found some of the advice really useful as it’s sound principles can be applied to all relationships. It’s an absolute gem and I highly recommend it!’ – Ali Grafham

BUYING THE BOOK

If you are interested in purchasing a copy of Grace-Filled Marriage you can buy a signed copy from my bookshop, or by emailing me direct: cmusters@icloud.com (the best option if you want to buy multiple copies or other books by me too, as I can sort a discount!) You can also buy from online shops but do ask your local bookshop if they can stock it too!

Go gently

As a nation we have begun the journey out of lockdown and, hopefully, that will continue over the next month or so. There has been such a sense of anticipation, and quite a lot of excitement. People have enjoyed being able to meet up with others outside, and even enjoy a meal outside. However, it is so important to go gently.

THE IMPACT OF THE LAST YEAR

What we have been through during this pandemic has been huge – even if, like me, it hasn’t actually affected your day-to-day life as much as it has for others. As someone who already worked from home, my work didn’t really change. However, there was a lot more of it and I was interacting with others working from their homes rather than office spaces.

Even so, I am very aware of the emotional toll this year has taken on me. Feelings of overwhelm seem to strike regularly. Having researched and written articles on the emotional cost of lockdown, as well as having spoken to many others feeling similarly, it does seem that there has been a far-reaching effect that we are going to continue to experience the impact of for years to come. So again, please do go gently.

STRENGTHENED OR STRETCHED?

For those of us that are married – as well as those living with others – our closest relationship(s) will also have been impacted. Encouragingly, recent surveys suggest that many marriages have come out stronger. Couples have recognised the pressure and made a conscious decision to invest in the relationship and support one another well. But for others, the added stress of being with one another 24/7 has put a spotlight on underlying issues. If that is you, can I encourage you to go gently – but not to ignore what has come to light. Talk to one another, try and take positive steps to resolve conflicts – and pull in trusted friends if necessary.

And for all of us, let’s not rush to try and put this incredibly difficult year behind us. If we bury the hard emotions they will simply resurface in weeks, months or even years to come – and not in a good way. 

Go gently… on each other if you notice you have shorter fuses than usual

Go gently… if you notice one of you is feeling overwhelmed and you aren’t sure why

Go gently… if one of you is itching to begin socialising again and the other is reticent. Take time to talk it through – and go at a pace agreed by you both. 

There are many other scenarios I could have picked – but I hope you have the message by now. Please go gently, and take care of yourself and those closest to you.

NB If you feel you would like some additional resources for your marriage, our book Grace-Filled Marriage is publishing in just over a week – we’d love for you to take a look.

Marriage, grief and thankfulness

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Photo by Jeremy Wong on Unsplash*

Today we all heard the sad news that Prince Philip has passed away. Having watched my dad (mainly from afar due to Covid) cope with the death of my mum just over a year ago, I was immediately reminded of how tough it is to lose a life-time partner. How lost and alone you can feel.

I was really struck by what Rachel Gardner put on social media: “Today our Queen is simply a woman who has lost her beloved husband of 70 years.” How true that is.

Here are some of thoughts I’ve had today about marriage, grief and thankfulness.

FACING THE CHALLENGES

For any couple, reaching the milestone of 70 years of marriage is enormous, and it is so sad that Prince Philip was so close to his 100th birthday. Yes, they certainly had a privileged existence – I’m not here today to discuss whether I’m a royalist or anti-royalist. But they also had duties that would have added extra strain to their relationship.

Deep down, however, they were still a couple who managed to stick together for an incredible amount of time. In our forthcoming book, Grace-Filled Marriage, blogger Lucy Rycroft from The Hope-filled Family, commented on the lessons she learned about marriage from watching The Crown. Here is the section from our book that discusses what she said: “Obviously a work of fiction, she [Lucy] spoke of how refreshing it was ‘that the script has been written to highlight tensions and situations that are very believable . . . One thing I particularly like is the way Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip’s marriage is portrayed, warts and all.’

“Despite the fact they are not a ‘normal’ couple, the Queen and Prince Philip undoubtedly face the same struggles that other couples do. There must be times when one of them finds the other tiresome, or they simply feel like they are out of touch with one another. In her blog, Lucy looks at an episode during which the Queen finishes a gruelling world tour, Philip goes on his own tour for a month, and when he comes back the Queen speaks candidly about the fact that divorce is not an option for them. She asks Prince Philip what it would take for him to be invested wholeheartedly in their marriage again.”

FAITH AS THE FUEL

That episode obviously covered both the sense of duty but also the fact that the marriage was under pressure. While we don’t know exactly what happened within their marriage, it is easy to imagine that there could have been moments like that. Knowing how strong the Queen’s faith is, I can also imagine that it helped strengthen and keep her resolve within her marriage, as well as other scenarios.

While we might not face the same situations that they did in their marriage, each one of our relationships will face different stresses and strains. May our faith fuel our responses too.

BEING THANKFUL

I am sure that the Queen is feeling the full weight of grief right now – and that she will continue journeying with it. While a strong, solid figure, she is also an elderly woman who no longer has the man who was always by her side. That is going to take some getting used to, however many ‘officials’ she has around her day by day.

While the prince had been ill for some time, when a loved one finally dies the pang of separation is no less because it was expected. But I think today is a stark reminder to us of two things: 1. the importance of togetherness in our marriage, whatever pressure it may be under; 2. how vital it is to be thankful for one another every single day, as we never know when it will be our last one together.

Let us pray for our Queen, that she may be comforted by God’s presence in her grief. And, as we consider marriage, grief and thankfulness, may we take time to reflect on our own relationships and thank God for them. Can you find a practical way to show your husband or wife how much they mean to you this weekend?

  • I haven’t used a picture of the Queen, as I worked on a magazine during her 80th birthday and the rules surrounding using images of her are so strict I wouldn’t want to get anything wrong! But I also thought using a stock photo brings home the message that actually she is simply like any wife who has just lost her husband… Whatever our circumstances, death is the great leveller.

Showing compassion

Photo by Alex Green from Pexels

This is the start of what will be regular posts on marriage, as we look towards (and beyond) the launch of our book Grace-filled Marriage.

As we are easing slowly out of lockdown, now is a good time to reflect on whether you feel your marriage has been strengthened by the experience – or if you are feeling the strain. One of the ways you can gauge that is by asking whether you are showing compassion to you partner – and yourself.

I think it is important that we all acknowledge we have been affected by the past year, and that will undoubtedly have a knock-on effect on our closest relationships, including our marriage.

HEIGHTENED EMOTIONS

I am very aware of how close to the surface my emotions have become. I found it extremely helpful when I chatted to Dr Kate Middleton in preparation for an article I was writing for Premier Christianity magazine. She explained to me that: “Life is a bit like climbing a wall – you know where all the handholds are, so you can just do it without thinking. But the pandemic has knocked out every aspect of normal life. So you’re climbing a wall, but there are no handholds. And actually, the wall’s changed too. And every time you figure out how to climb it, there are new boulders or a handhold’s moved. It’s constant demand on your mind, which means that your stress baseline has risen.”

We all have a point where our mental and cognitive resources are about to be exceeded. With the baseline risen right up to near that crisis point, any little challenge in everyday life can tip us over into what is called “the overwhelm space”. Here, our brain “starts to close down anything that feels non-essential. So your ability to think clearly is dropped right down. You can’t focus. You can’t remember things as well. Your emotions are really close to the surface.” 

FEELING OVERWHELMED

Steve and I have both commented that our memories have worsened during this year. And what Kate said about emotions really describes me. Even after losing my mum just before lockdown, then coping with the added workload it meant for us as a family when my husband had to move the church services online, I seemed to be OK. I recognised I was grieving and made allowances for that. But then I was also so keen to ensure everyone in church felt connected that I worked myself too hard, and reached burnout by last summer.

I changed the pace, and thought I was doing OK again, but some recent difficulties we’ve been dealing with as a family have made me feel overwhelmed 99 per cent of the time. Nowadays I regularly say to my family: “remember I’m just below that overwhelm point – I could tip over at any point”. I recognise that that’s a cry from me, for them to consider showing compassion towards me.

LOSING IT

I would say that Steve and I have coped incredibly well with all that life has thrown at us and the community that we care for during the pandemic. We have worked well together, helped one another out and spent plenty of time lifting situations and people before God. And yet there have been moments when the stress has shown. We have both had difficulty sleeping – and have been quicker to lose our tempers (much more abnormal for Steve than me!).

One illustration of how my emotions keep spilling out of me was when we were planning the Easter service. Steve had overall responsibility for it, and was preaching, while I was leading worship. I had planned the songs around when he wanted us to take communion. Then, on Good Friday morning, as he completed his preach he felt he needed to move communion back to after his talk. I completely lost it – initially shouting but then simply breaking down. As soon as he walked away, I immediately envisioned what songs could change and how I could reorder things. I also recognised that that conversation had been the tipping point for a lot of emotion about the burdens I was carrying at the time (an extra workload, supporting our children through some difficulties).

When Steve reappeared I apologised, and explained that I was more than able to accommodate his request – but that I also felt like I could no longer cope. I was able to explain to him how I was feeling and we were able to share the burden and pray about it. I needed to show compassion to myself in that moment – but also to him. The thought had crossed my mind that he should know what I was facing and how I was feeling, but then I checked myself. (Writing a chapter about that helped prompt me – although I did also inwardly groan. 😉 )

BEING KIND TO ONE ANOTHER

In ‘normal’ life we all have moments when we feel stressed and therefore don’t behave in quite the way we should towards our partner. This is when showing compassion to each other is so important. It is even more vital after what we have experienced in the past year.

As Sarah and Jeff Walton share so wisely in Grace-filled Marriage: “Suffering doesn’t make us sinful; it simply draws our sin to the surface…We have to remember that the same is true for our spouse. It’s easy to excuse our own sinful response to suffering, while condemning our spouse’s. So, before we react to our spouse, we need to remind ourselves of what Christ has done for us so that we can respond with grace and humility, knowing when to be quiet and let the Spirit work in our spouse and when to gently point out an area of struggle. 

“One thing that has helped in regards to when to speak and when to be quiet has been asking ourselves if our spouse is speaking out of emotion (or as Job says, ‘speaking words of the wind’ [see Job 6:26; 8:2]), which is often spoken out of grief rather than theological belief. We don’t need to correct everything our spouse says that isn’t true in the heat of the moment, but gently and humbly point out or challenge a consistent action or way of thinking that becomes a pattern. Our aim is to bless our spouse by pointing them to greater freedom in Christ, not burdening them down with harsh and unhelpful words.”

UNDERSTANDING ONE ANOTHER

Steve could have corrected me for the way I behaved on Good Friday, but thankfully he recognised there was something else going on and showed compassion towards me. And I was able to speak up and explain to him how I was feeling – thereby showing compassion to us both. It was important that he recognised how his request had exacerbated how I was feeling – but now he had a chance to do something about that.

There may be moments in which you both react in ways that reveal an underlying stress caused by this pandemic. The question is: will you show compassion to one another?