This interaction between Peter and Jesus is one that always causes a heart response in me, because it beautifully reveals how God restores us.
This was the first time that Peter had spoken one on one with Jesus since the resurrection – and since that horrifying day when he had disowned him, and then watched him die an agonising death. Peter had been so sure of himself, so sure that he would stand by Jesus no matter what (see Mark 14) and yet Jesus knew that Peter would deny him three times.
How all of that must have played heavily on Peter’s mind, even after Jesus appeared, resurrected, to them all. He must have felt that he had blown it and yet what does Jesus do in this interaction between them? In a beautiful display of forgiveness and reinstatement, he asks Peter three times: ‘do you love me?’ By the third time, Peter was feeling hurt and yet, although tough at the time, those three questions were for the three denials. Jesus was bringing restoration. As I explain in my book Taking Off the Mask:
‘The first two times, the Greek word he [Jesus] uses for love is agape, which means self-sacrificial love. The first time it is in the context of the group; the second he is focusing on just Peter. The third time the word Jesus uses is phileis, from the word philos, which means beloved or friend. Here Jesus is talking about brotherly affection. I believe, through this process, he is asking Peter to both confront his past mistakes and look honestly at what his true feelings and motivations are. Jesus uses this to redeem Peter and charges him with the task of looking after the church: ‘feed my sheep’ (v.17)’
It may be that during this time of lockdown you have struggled in certain areas. Being in close quarters with family has certainly brought out the best, but also the worst, in all of us in my household, and I know we’ve had to learn to apologise to one another quickly. We have found, as time has gone on, that patience has worn thinner and we have been less gracious towards one another. We have had to recognise our mistakes and bring peace and restoration to our relationships.
One of the things I think God has been stirring in many of us is the necessity of looking at our usual priorities. Do our lives need recalibrating in any way? Are there practises that we need to discard, and new ones we need to put into place going forward?
And what about our motivations? We watched on in horror at the murder of George Floyd, but many of us have since been learning that not being racist is not enough – we must show that we are anti-racist and stand in unity with one another. We need to search our hearts for our own wrong attitudes and actions, and be quick to repentance.
How reassuring it is that we serve a God whose mercies are new every morning, who remains faithful and true – and who provides us with a fresh start when we need one.
A pencil drawing my daughter did recently, which I think evocatively captures the fatigue and despair we can feel when we do not understand what is going on.
Reflections based on Matthew 1:18–25.
‘… he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream …’ (vv.19–20)
It is interesting to pause and consider why God revealed His plans to Mary and Joseph at different times. The angel Gabriel first spoke to Mary. So why didn’t God give Joseph his dream, which confirmed His plans for the virgin birth, on the same night? Then, when Mary and Joseph spoke together, they would have been able to reassure each other that they had both heard from God. That would seem to make sense, but God chose not to do it that way.
Joseph ‘had in mind’ to divorce Mary privately, to avoid public disgrace. He knew about her pregnancy, but could not bring himself to accept the explanation of divine conception. His was a perfectly understandable response, considering it had never happened before – in fact, he was being very gracious by considering divorcing her quietly. It would have been a difficult time of emotional turmoil for both of them, so why did God allow the delay?
In a similar vein, today we know why Jesus delayed turning to Bethany in order to heal the dying Lazarus, because it meant that God’s glory would be revealed to so many more through the much greater miracle of raising him from the dead. But for his sisters, Mary and Martha, the four days between Lazarus’ death and resurrection were full of grief, pain, confusion, anguish – and possibly anger towards Jesus (John 11:1–45).
There may be no obvious reason to us as to why God allows a delay. His ways and timings are not ours and we can be perplexed by the ways He does things, and the timings He chooses. You may well be currently living through what seems like a painful delay in your own life.
For us all, the global pandemic has us experiencing loss, confusion and pain. I don’t understand why God seemingly delays, although, amidst the horrors, I have also seen and heard of His faithfulness. Like Mary and Martha, we don’t know the end of the story – but He does, and we can trust Him even when we also want to rant and rail about what is going on. Incredibly, He also comes and sits with us in the pain, inviting us to be honest about it. John 11 shows us that Jesus feels deep emotion too – He is willing to be the one that we cry on, but will also cry alongside us. There is something deeply mysterious but also beautiful about this.
Like Mary, the mother of Jesus, and Lazarus’ sisters Mary and Martha, when we are perplexed by what seems to be inexplicable delay, let us hold on to the knowledge of God’s perfect love and His never-changing goodness.
Prayer: Father, when everything in me cries out for You to act and yet Your answer seems delayed, help me to cling on to the fact that You are good and that You love me more deeply than I comprehend. Your delays are for a purpose, even when I can’t see that.
‘Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.’ (vv.16–18)
Writing to the Thessalonian Christians, the apostle Paul emphasised the importance of living in continual relationship with God. But how do we pray continually during a time of international crisis? How can we truly be joyful always, especially as we face becoming more isolated while our national leader calls for social distancing?
My mother once gave me a little book that was written by Brother Lawrence, and it had a huge impact on me, teaching me much about being aware of God in my ordinary, everyday life. He was a lay brother in a 17th-century monastic community, and his book describes how he practised being aware of God’s presence at all times – whether he was peeling potatoes in the kitchen or praying. For him there was no distinction between the two. He wrote:
‘… think often of God, by day, by night, in your business, and even in your diversions. He is always near you and with you; leave Him not alone. You would think it rude to leave a friend alone who came to visit you: why then must God be neglected? Do not then forget Him, but think on Him often, adore Him continually, live and die with Him …’ *
Brother Lawrence believed that the Lord wanted to be involved in every aspect of his daily life, however mundane, and that that has a massive impact on our outlook. I have found pausing throughout my day to recognise that God is with me, and that He longs to hear from me, helps me to connect with Him in a deeper way even while I’m working.
In this uncertain time, including God in every moment and learning to be thankful are vital practices to include in our daily routines. As life is being pared back for us all, why not take the time to focus on them in the coming days?
Prayer: Lord, help me to be aware of Your presence with me – always. Help me to trust You, to see where You are at work, and to remain thankful in my heart despite the uncertainty we are facing in these days. Amen.
*Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God (Oxford: Oneworld Publications, 1993) p.65.
‘Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.’ (v.28)
I don’t know whether you are like me – seemingly always busy, rushing around with a huge ‘to do’ list of tasks both for work but also outside of work (mainly for church). I can get to the end of a day frazzled and exhausted. It seems that our culture celebrates being busy; that somehow it is looked down upon if we leave work at a reasonable time, and plan in plenty of break times in order to be refreshed throughout the day.
But that is not the way that God wants us to live. In fact, He commanded Sabbath rest for our good (see Deuteronomy 5:12–15 – God gave the Israelites permission to take a Sabbath, to rest – which would have taken some getting used to as they were used to a slave taskmaster.
In order to make sure that they rested on the Sabbath, God even provided a double portion of manna for them the day before (see Exodus 16). For many of us, our so-called ‘Sabbath’ day – often the day we join with God’s people in our local church – is actually just as busy (or more so) than other days of the week. Do we believe God can intervene supernaturally to help prepare us and give us the time of rest that we need, just as He did with the manna?
For reflection: Take time to honestly assess whether you take a proper Sabbath or if this is something that hasn’t happened for a while. Perhaps you need to repent before God, and ask Him to help you set aside time to rest in Him each week…
I’m excited to share the first in a new series with you today! As we are still near the start of a new decade, it seems an appropriate time to focus on just that – time. Looking at how our times are in God’s hands – and that we can trust His timing, even when we don’t understand it.
‘But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands …’ (vv.14–15)
David was an unexpected choice for a future king. He was a shepherd boy, who was left out in the fields by his family when Samuel visited in order to anoint the future king (see 1 Samuel 16:1–13). But God’s choice is often the unexpected one.
After he was anointed by Samuel ‘the Spirit of the LORD came upon David in power’ (v.13). Then a very long and difficult wait ensued, during which time David served the current king Saul well, but Saul became increasingly jealous of him and eventually he had to flee for his life.
Even during this confusing time, David trusted that his ‘times’ and life circumstances were in God’s hands. He insisted on waiting for God’s timing to become king, even when it looked like Saul had been delivered into his hands. David and his men were hiding from Saul when Saul appeared in the same cave there were in in order ‘to relieve himself’. David refused to kill Saul even though his men urged him to do so. He knew it was only right to wait for God’s timing (see 1 Samuel 24:1–22).
David is a wonderful example to us, and his story provides a great reminder that God’s timing is perfect – however irrational and perplexing that that timing might appear. I’m not sure that I can say the same, but that is how I long to be too.
Prayer: Lord help me to trust, as David did, that ‘my times’ are truly in Your hands. Help me to understand more of Your timing in my life. Amen.
While researching an article on Christian fiction, I came across many different authors with fascinating backgrounds – some quite unexpected. Peter Laws is one such writer. He is an ordained church minister who writes horror fiction. Here he talks about his journey to become a published author, why he writes horror and what he thinks of Christian fiction. While you may not agree with his conclusions, Peter certainly shares some interesting thoughts…
I’m an ordained church minister who had an idea for a novel about ten years ago. It was a horror thriller. I didn’t see it as a Christian book, but rather that I was simply a Christian who wrote a novel. So I sent it to secular literary agents, and was delighted to find a London agent who wanted to represent me.
It actually took another five or six years to get a book deal. I’d write a novel, my agent would send it to all the big publishers, they would say they really liked it, but they weren’t sure how to market it. So I would just write another one, and try again. I got another agent, and she’s been great though there was still some rejection at first – par for the course in writing. In 2016 I was close to giving up on fiction, and so wrote a non-fiction proposal instead. Amazingly, my agent called to say that I’d been offered a two-book fiction deal by a publisher called Allison and Busby. Then, not long after, she called to say that I had also been offered the non-fiction deal from Icon Books.
Since 2017, I’ve had four books out in shops (three in my fiction series and the non-fiction). My latest novel (Possessed) comes out in shops next February from (Allison and Busby). My books were released in Germany last year in translated editions. My non-fiction comes out in Taiwanese this year, and it also came out in hardback in American shops last Halloween, from a US publisher called Skyhorse.
You don’t tend to find my books in Christian bookstores, but you will find them in Waitrose, at airports sometimes, in libraries etc. They’re out in audio, paperback, hardback, eBook. It’s been pretty exciting to find myself on trains or in random cities where strangers have come up to say they’ve read my stuff. I’ve spoken at various literary festivals, been a guest on a lot of radio, including Radio 4, discussing my books. So it’s been a real blessing and thrill.
Why do I write horror stories? Because they interest me. I’m drawn to mystery, the supernatural and high-stakes drama. And there is little more high stakes than murder and death! My books are usually found in the Crime fiction section of Waterstones, even though I’m more of a horror guy. Crime fiction is the most popular of all genres in the UK, and so it makes sense for me to be pitched there, and my books certainly do belong on that shelf. However, I do thread themes of the supernatural into the books, and there’s a lot of exploration of religious ideas.
I write what I think is relevant to not only me, but also to our world. I’m particularly interested in how evangelical Christians appear scary and deranged to many everyday people. It’s easy for us to see ourselves as normal everyday folk in the church, but for many, the idea of full-on Christians is terrifying. That is rich picking for writing scary novels.
That’s why my novel series features a character called Matt Hunter. He’s an ex-vicar turned atheist professor who spends his time debunking the Christian faith, while also helping the police solve religiously motivated murder. In book one, Purged (Allison and Busby, 2017) he’s on the trail of a Christian serial killer who thinks the most effective way to evangelise is to baptise people then murder them immediately afterwards. That way they are fast tracked to heaven, with no risk of backsliding.
I find such topics interesting, exciting, but they also give a lot of scope to ponder deep and profound issues, both theological and philosophical. My books are dark, but they also have a pretty strong sense of humour throughout, because I like to have a laugh in amongst scary things.
What do I hope reader will glean from my books? First and foremost I want them to be entertained. There is something very noble about pure entertainment, and I think Christians can sometimes dismiss it as trivial when it’s not. I’ve even heard some preachers say that escapism is dangerous…I think that’s nuts. Escapism is an important way that human beings relax, but also how they assess some deep and profound ideas too. So while my books are designed to thrill, excite, scare and amuse (my stuff is classed as commercial fiction) it also raises some really deep ideas, especially about Christianity.
I’ve had a handful of Christian readers who struggle with the idea that the hero in my books is an atheist and the killers are often religious. They assume that Matt Hunter is going to drop to his knees and convert at some point. That is not my aim. I think as Christians we need to respect other worldviews, and atheism is perfectly reasonable, even though I don’t ascribe to it. Ironically, I get many messages from atheist readers, thanking me for respecting their view and giving it the space to be. They then seem really interested in my faith. However, that is not why I’m writing these books. It’s not a method of conversion in my mind, but a form of entertainment that may or may not provoke thought on all sides of faith and none.
I don’t see myself as writing Christian fiction, because to me, and I might be wrong, that sounds like fiction that is aimed at Christians. I write for anyone and everyone, so it’s just plain old fiction to me. If people see Christian fiction as a glorified conversion tool, then that’s up to them, but that’s not where I’m coming from. Some people think I must be writing horror and crime thrillers as a way of swinging into the darkness, and scooping up lost souls. Then I’ll swing them back into the church world and will hopefully start reading nice stuff instead. That is totally not where I’m coming from.
There is a value in the morbid and macabre: my non-fiction book The Frighteners: Why we love monsters, ghosts, death and gore makes this point. In that book I travelled around Transylvania, Rome and the UK meeting people who sleep on mortuary slabs, and self-proclaimed vampires, and I also went on werewolf hunts, stayed over in a haunted hotel, was blind driven to a remote mansion by the BBC where they threw spiders on me and put me in an electric chair. It was such fun. It was all to show that gritty or macabre subjects are an inherently human preoccupation, and that there are actually great benefits from pondering them. I think when the Church warns people off such things, they’re misunderstanding what it means to be human.
Peter Laws is an author, journalist, film critic and public speaker. He is the creator of the Matt Hunter novel series. He’s an ordained Reverend with a fascination for the macabre. Peter writes a monthly column for the print magazine The Fortean Times and also hosts the popular podcast and YouTube show ‘The Flicks That Church Forgot’, which reviews scary culture from a theological perspective. His acclaimed non-fiction book The Frighteners was released in the UK and US in 2018. He also regularly speaks and preaches at churches and events. Find out more at https://www.peterlaws.co.uk
Romans is such a rich book isn’t it? Just before the passage we are concentrating on this week, Paul states that we are sons (and daughters) of God and, as such, inherit all that Jesus does. Isn’t that incredible? He also says that we should be living our lives by the Spirit of God, not our old sinful nature. But how does that work when we are facing difficulties? Well, verse 18 sums it up really. What we are suffering now is nothing compared to the fullness of what we will come into.
Paul states what we, as Christians, surely already experience. A sense of the world groaning and decaying, desperate for a saviour. This is the mystery of salvation. We have been saved, are being saved and are yet to come into the fullness of our salvation. That, I think, is what verses 23–25 are talking about. Yes, we have been saved, but we do not experience it all until the age to come. True hope remains steadfast and faithful even through what we don’t understand. As we looked at in a previous post, suffering produces perseverance and…hope. We have a great description of what hope is here. We don’t need to hope for things we already have. We wait for what we have yet to experience. This is future hope.
We don’t wait on our own though. The latter part of our reading reminds us that we have the Holy Spirit. Learning to lean into Him is an important part of learning to live in hope. As is believing that God is at work, ensuring His purposes come to pass.
For prayer and reflection: Lord, as Jeremiah 29:11 says, I know you have plans to give me a hope and a future. Whether I see what I hope to on this earth or not, please help me to live in the light of hope and trust You with my whole life.
I am delighted to welcome Beth Moran onto my blog today. When researching the article on Christian fiction, I asked Beth for her thoughts and she gave me some really interesting comments on Christians and creativity. I’ve included them here as I think they give all writers (and other artists) food for thought…
As Christians, we are called the light of the world. Not the light to the Church. And as great as our sermons might be, when it comes to influence in our nation, most people are not listening. But if we really believe that words anointed by God are powerful, that they can heal or set free, releasing supernatural breakthrough, transforming an atmosphere, impacting a culture and changing the course of history, shouldn’t we be sharing words of life and truth in such a way that people will listen?
The Church was once the most influential cultural force in the world. To some extent, in recent times it has hunkered down into its own nice Christian world. We’ve created our own safe little culture, most of which will never grab the world’s attention. Not because it’s religious – that’s our fear, that the God bit will be the problem – but because it’s not good enough.
But shouldn’t those who walk and talk with the creator be leading the way when it comes to culture and creativity? Shouldn’t our art be the most beautiful, because it speaks truth about how things should be, not just how they could be? It speaks the truer, better word – a word that brings hope and light into the darkness.
We need to tell a better story, in a way that the world will bother to listen to. Because we are getting used to a lesser story – our culture these days is full of the anti-heroes, the stories that worship at the altar of self, science or a twisted view of success.
People are interested in good art and great stories, irrespective of the subject matter. And that enables God to sow seeds, start conversations and get people thinking. To breathe life and bring change. Creativity moves and connects us in ways that teaching often can’t. Great art speaks to the longing of every soul – the hope that we are more than a bunch of cells firing off chemical reactions.
Before faith, does there need to be hope? Hope that there even could be something more, a better way, an answer. And to be able to hope in that something, we need to be able to imagine what it could be, to see a possibility that things could be different from how they are.
If Jesus rated creative stories so highly as a way to speak to people, shouldn’t we?
Jesus’ parables mostly weren’t even about God, on the surface. Why did Jesus tell stories? They were interesting, enjoyable and they got people’s attention. We love stories because they make us feel; they connect us to the people and world around us. We think – “yes, that’s me!” or “I know someone just like that”, so I can trust you, the storyteller.
When we, as writers, describe things as they are we gain the reader’s trust. We can then lead them on a journey to resolution, to the world we were made for. When people read or hear a story, they use the same part of the brain as if they were experiencing those things for themselves. So when we point people to stories about hope and peace, joy and forgiveness, and love, they get to feel those things for themselves. And hopefully want more.
Beauty moves us; beautiful words organised well inspire and heal us. This is what the psalms do, when we read them and think: “yes! That’s it! I too want my enemies to dissolve into slime like snails” (Psalm 58). We respond with: “That was what I needed to pray but couldn’t express.” Then, the psalm takes us on to that better reality, tells the better story (surely the righteous will be rewarded, there is a God who judges the earth). It takes us from where we are to how it should be, and so offers us the invitation to come too.
Creativity – art, fiction, poetry – is the Church’s stealth bomb. People are drawn to a great and beautiful story, well told, no matter what the topic, but for those who have eyes to see and ears to hear, there is treasure to be found.
Another role of the creatives, in telling a better story and shaping culture, is to simply get God and faith back in the conversation. We want some portrayal of Christians in the media that are ‘normal’ people, as in not hypocrites or serial killers. We need art that is salty – I have never had a non-Christian write a review saying there is too much God or church in my books. I have had Christians, especially in the US, say there isn’t enough, and I want to ask them what they think about the parables, or the book of Esther.
The power of words can change someone’s future. With words and stories, we can create a vision of how this world should be that is so irresistible, in its beautiful, glorious hope, that it touches the hearts of those who hear it like nothing has before.
Beth Moran writes women’s fiction: her latest novel is Christmas Every Day.
If you want to read the article on Christian Fiction that appeared in November’s issue of Premier Christianity you can request a free copy here. It will be available for request until November 25.
I was thrilled to be asked to endorse Lucy Rycroft’s book Redeeming Advent earlier in the year. It was published in October and she is now in the throes of a blog tour – I am delighted to welcome her to my website today. And the fantastic news for you is that she has provided a free copy of the book for one of my regular readers to win! (Please see below for details of how to enter.)
It’s a privilege to be guest posting for Claire today. Her passion for honesty and authenticity has been inspiring and challenging me ever since I came across her writing.
Claire’s ministry is vital because, in real life and on social media, I’m increasingly noticing that people desire integrity over ‘relevance’. Once upon a time we all thought we had to dress a certain way, have a few piercings, act and speak ‘cool’ in order to draw others to Jesus.
But the gospel has always been, and will always be, more relevant than any of us could ever be. It doesn’t need glitz and glamour, it needs authentic people, sharing vulnerabilities and weaknesses, prepared to stand up and say ‘I struggle’ or, even, ‘I’m not very cool’.
This is the thinking behind my blog The Hope-Filled Family where I share the honest chaos (and believe me when I say it is chaos) of my family life. With four children aged 5–10, a clergy husband, an open home and a plethora of church and school commitments, we frequently boast laundry mountains, sinks full of dirty dishes, forgotten packed lunches and badly-dealt-with tantrums.
I mess up so much – and yet, in that mess, God affirms me as His daughter, Jesus redeems me from my failures and the Holy Spirit inhabits me with peace and joy.
THE BIRTH OF AN IDEA…
The blog is where my new book Redeeming Advent was birthed. In December 2017 I decided to write an Advent reflection for each day leading up to Christmas. This in itself could have been another item on my ‘failures’ list, but – by God’s grace – I made it to December 24th!
Each day I would take something that had happened that day – however mundane – or something ‘d been mulling over, and write what God might be teaching me through it. There was plenty of reality, honesty, humour and potential embarrassment, as I shared the highs and lows of our Advent that year.
Early in 2018 I found a publisher for these devotionals, so in the summer I found myself editing the whole lot, to tie them together in a way that would work for a book.
BEGINNING TO QUESTION MYSELF
During this editing process, as I read what I’d written the previous December, I started to think: Is anyone bothered about this? Do people care that I bought too much gift-wrap one year, or that I have a fear of under-catering, or that I don’t know how to use a real-life bookshop?
Of course all writers need to ask themselves questions as they write, challenging themselves to write deeper or more descriptively or in a more accessible style.
But the problem withthe questions I was asking myself was that they were rooted in deep fear. Fear of what people would think of me. Fear of coming across like an idiot. Fear that literally no one would be able to relate to me. Fear that I was alone in my thoughts.
We read in 1 John 4:18 that ‘perfect love drives out fear’, and it can sound hollow to those of us whose fears are very real, very dominant and don’t look like they’re going anywhere. But I can tell you that it is only the love of God that made me confident to write openly and honestly about Advent: the fun traditions alongside the stresses and strains.
I have come to realise that I write for the people God puts in my path. That means it doesn’t matter if 99 people who read my writing think that I’m an idiot, if one person relates to what I’m saying so much that it draws them into closer connection with Jesus.
CULTURAL EXPECTATIONS
Letting go of the desire to meet others’ expectations as I write parallels the way I believe we need to let go of the cultural expectations of Christmas.
I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t decorate our trees, give presents or enjoy special meals – in fact, Redeeming Advent talks quite a bit about redeeming these ‘secular’ festivities to glorify God.
But there are a lot of expectations around this time of year that weigh heavily on us, and these will be different for each one of us.
Perhaps you are the person in the family who others expect to organise the Secret Santa/host Christmas/make travel plans – and it’s just draining all the joy out of you.
Perhaps you’re a sucker for the John Lewis Christmas adverts, and feel you’ll never be able to meet this (unrealistic, by the way) cultural expectation of a beautiful Christmas from start to finish.
Perhaps you feel the weight of your children’s expectations to provide elaborate presents, when you desperately want them to treasure Jesus first of all.
LET’S BE HONEST
This Advent, I want to plead with you: Can we be honest about Christmas? Please? Can we acknowledge the tricky family dynamics, the tight financial budget, the job uncertainty, the worry about our children, the state of our mental health, the marital difficulties, the grief, the loss, the sadness?
Because, if we do, I think we might discover better connection to others, as we share our burdens and empathise with the suffering of others.
And, even more importantly, I think we will discover more of the Jesus who came down to this damaged earth in a busy, messy way, who knew what it was like to be a refugee, an outcast, an oddball, a target of others’ attacks.
This, friends, is where we will find our perfect Christmas. Not in the perfectly arranged place settings at the Christmas table, nor in the perfectly coordinated baubles on our tree, but in the perfection of our Saviour, who endured the suffering caused by others, so that He might rescue us from ours.
Have a very blessed Christmas!
Lucy Rycroft blogs about parenting, adoption and faith at The Hope-Filled Family. Her first book Redeeming Advent is an accessible 24-day Advent devotional and you can buy it here. Lucy lives in York with her husband Al and their four children.
BOOK GIVEAWAY!
Lucy has kindly provided a free copy for me to give away to one of my blog readers! To enter, please sign up to my mailing list below. If you are already signed up, simply make a comment about Lucy’s blog and I’ll include you in the draw. The deadline to sign up is Sunday 10 November – I’ll be choosing a winner on Monday 11 November. * UK residents only please.
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An Insight into shame is published by CWR and can be purchased here.
It has been over a week since my latest book, An Insight into Shame, was published and so I felt it was about time I highlighted it in a blog post! Co-written with Heather Churchill, it looks at the difference between shame and guilt, how psychologists believe shame develops in each of us, various approaches to dealing with the threat of shame, understanding our own experiences with shame and finding healing from wounds from the past.
Heather is the Head of Counselling Training at Waverley Abbey College and has years of experience as a trainer, therapist and supervisor. It was a privilege to work on this book with her – I learned a great deal from her that has been so useful already.
We have included lots of real-life stories in the book, including our own. As I sometimes run an ‘unmasked: stories of authenticity’ blog on a Friday, I thought I’d share an extract that reveals how shame affected both of us right back in our childhoods.
There are a wide variety of theories that have been developed about shame, such as Jungian, Cognitive Behavioral, Psychodynamic etc. But, to simplify all their findings, it is probably accurate to say that the emotion of shame is believed by psychologists to be something that is formed early on in childhood. There is now almost universal agreement that the emotion of shame emerges during the toddler stage.[i]
Psychologists believe that shame plays a key role in the development of the self, impacting the way a person views and evaluates themselves. They recognise that children can evaluate from a surprisingly young age and form a ‘picture’ of themselves, which is basically an internalised view of who they are.[ii] Children also develop a view about how others perceive them. In many ways, psychologists would say that the only way a child can begin to know themselves is through the eyes of those who are closest to them – generally their parents or main early care givers.[iii]
Any difficulties in the relationships with care givers will have a huge impact at this stage, as high levels of shame are likely to develop. So we can see that shame is central to a person’s developing sense of self.
Relationships with early care givers are not the only influences on the development of shame. Our early relationships with others can also be influential too, as our own memories of childhood interactions below illustrate.
Claire can still remember two instances at school in which she felt deep shame – just bringing them to mind causes the feelings to resurface. She moved around a lot as a child; having spent some time in America she stood in front of her new class back in England, a few days after a boy from Australia had started. She was greeted with a boy saying ‘not another one’ and felt such shame she wanted the ground to swallow her up. She continued to feel like an outsider much of the time. And, at the same school, she also regularly experienced the dreaded ‘walk of shame’ over to the PE team that had been forced to take her, as she was the only person not to have been picked to be on a team.
Heather also has an early memory of when she was about four years old. Her class teacher was away so the headmaster was in charge of the class. She was asked to write something and Heather remembers trying really hard to write in her best handwriting. The headmaster walked around the class and stopped when he reached Heather’s work. He picked it up, tore it up and put it in the rubbish bin. Heather felt humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed, and picked up a belief that she was not good enough – even at the early age of four.
We go on to look at how these early experiences affect the way that we respond to the threat of shame even today.
An Insight into shame is published by CWR and can be purchased here.
[i]R.L. Mills, ‘Taking stock of the developmental literature on shame’, Developmental Review, Vol 25, Issue 1, 2005, pp26-63
[ii]R. Mills, P. Hastings, L. Serbib, D. Stack, J. Abela, K. Arbeau, and D. Lall, ‘Depressogenic Thinking and Shame Proneness in the Development of Internalisng Problems’, Child Psychiatry and Human Development, Vol 46, Issue 2, 2015, pp194–208
[iii]J. Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that binds you, (Florida: Health Communications, 2005), p8
