I can’t quite believe that our Grace-Filled Marriage book has just turned one! As part of our celebrations we are offering a ten per cent discount on single orders as well as free postage (UK only). Please email me on cmusters@icloud.com if you would like to find out more – or to arrange a discount for multiple copies. As it is Marriage Week from 10–16 May this is the perfect time to focus on your marriage. You could also encourage friends, family and church members to do the same! I will keep the offer going throughout Marriage Week. We have also provided a series of videos to accompany the book, through the Big Church Read. While you can work through them as a couple, they are perfect to watch and discuss alongside other couples that you trust.
Can I also ask anyone who has read the book but not posted a review to consider doing so – it really does help authors when you do. Thank you so much.
I am so thrilled to welcome Lizzie Lowrie to our new series of blogs on marriage, which we started to celebrate the launch of Grace-Filled Marriage in order to continue the conversations about those aspects of marriage that don’t often get talked about. Lizzie and her husband have learned, through great personal loss and deep pain, that accepting you are not enough for one another will help to save your marriage when it hits difficulties. Here she shares some of their story, but do check out the details of her book Salt Water & Honey in the bio below.
We all build our understanding of life and faith and relationships around the world we’ve experienced and the story we’re living. Life feels safe in those boundaries, marriage feels safe in those boundaries. That is, until at some point, and Jesus promises this, we hit a season of pain, a dark night of the soul, a loss, a betrayal or a diagnosis and suddenly everything looks different and we’re completely and utterly lost.
I remember the moment it happened to me. I was alone on a train when the world I knew and trusted began to fall apart. My husband Dave, scooped me up at the station and drove me to the hospital where the doctor confirmed my miscarriage. We drove home in silence, ate cheese on toast and went back to work the next day. We were disorientated but hopeful until I had another miscarriage, and another, and another…and two more after that. Six unexplained losses and life and faith had become unintelligible.
DEALING WITH THE DISORIENTATION
Mingled in amongst our disappointment with God and the isolation of a grief that keeps on giving, there also emerged this deep feeling of shame; that somehow we should know what to do. But here’s the thing; no one knows what to do when you’re thrown into a season of struggle. I think that’s why it’s so painful, because you’re left without a plan and no matter how hard you try your heart won’t heal as quickly as you want it to. But rather than confess we weren’t coping, we faked our way into playing the roles we thought were expected of us and the roles we thought the other needed. Dave fulfilled the role of the strong man and he was great at it. Driving me to hospital, holding my hand and staying calm while I focused on doing everything in my power to become a mother.
NOT ENOUGH
We lost our fourth, fifth and sixth pregnancies while we were living in Cambridge, where Dave was training to be a vicar. Outside of the grief of our losses he was loving the opportunity to study and explore his calling and I wanted to celebrate this with him, but I couldn’t. With every loss, I was being dragged further and further away from the life I longed for. I became increasingly bitter with disappointment as the idol of motherhood consumed more and more of my heart. Meanwhile, Dave worked harder and harder to make up for the huge aching gaps left in our hearts and our home. But no matter how hard he tried to make our life better, he couldn’t. You see, there’s something we both learned in the dark pit of grief; that we weren’t enough for each other. Not only that, we were never meant to be enough for each other. Dave couldn’t heal me just as much as I couldn’t heal him. We needed to stop trying to fix each other, and had to ask for help. Rather than keep hiding and faking it we had to let ourselves be found.
FINDING COMMUNITY
From the Garden of Eden we’ve inherited this tendency to hide when life doesn’t go to plan because we believe the struggle we’re wrestling with declares us inadequate. Rather than acknowledge the impact this fallen and imperfect world has had on our lives and our hearts, we give in to shame. There is so much shame around miscarriage, infertility and childlessness. No matter how much Dave and I loved each other, or how much we prayed, we could not have a child. I could not fulfil a role that our world, and so often our churches, exalts as a definition of what it is to be a woman. Our lives failed to follow in the footsteps of our peers and the longing of our hearts.
Our search for help was messy, but eventually we found people who had the courage to sit with us in our grief rather than offer clichés. They asked questions instead of pretending they knew what we were going through. They didn’t just drop a meal off and disappear, they remembered our losses one month, six months, a year and many years later. They cried with us, turned up at A&E and attended memorials for our children. They became our community of sufferers. Rather than watch us be changed by our losses, they courageously chose to be changed by our suffering as well. They became advocates for others struggling with miscarriage and infertility. Many of them are church leaders now and they continue to let their experience of walking with us through that season influence the way they serve their communities.
BEING KNOWN
The parts of us that feel most broken and that we keep most hidden are the parts that most desperately need to be known by God so as to be loved and healed. It’s only in those instances where our shamed parts are known that they stand a chance of being redeemed. We can love God, love ourselves or love others only to the degree that we are known by God and known by others.
Jesus says ‘come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest’ (Matthew 11:28). The moment we are conscious of being vulnerable, we have activated our sense of being alone. But as he did when seeking Adam and Eve, God invites us to live as we were made to live – in relationship, with him and with others, in the state of being known. Dave and I didn’t heal each other, we learnt to talk and listen to each other better, but the healing only began when we realised we couldn’t be each other’s heroes. We needed God and we needed community, for the parts of our lives that are most known by God and others will know the greatest joy in healing as they are known.
Lizzie is an author, speaker and coffee shop church planter who lives in Liverpool with her vicar-husband Dave and their dog Betsy. She loves talking about the messiness of life and creating safe spaces for people to share their stories. Lizzie writes about miscarriage, infertility, childlessness and faith in her memoir Salt Water & Honey and on www.saltwaterandhoney.org. She is also the co-lead pastor and creative lead of StoryHouse; an independent coffee shop and church she started with her husband and a bunch of friends.
We had a wonderful book launch last Friday – if you missed it you can still watch it here. We were joined by Chine McDonald from Christian Aid, Lucinda and Will van der Hart, who is a founder of Mind and Soul Foundation, and Patrick and Diane Regan from Kintsugi Hope. Each of them also contributed to our book, so we were thrilled when they agreed to be a part of a panel discussing how to build resilience in our marriages.
Our friend Michaela Hyde from Marriage Foundation asked them about their own stories, and how they had developed resilience through the tough times, but also the advice they would give to couples as we begin to come out of lockdown.
Here are some of their tips, plus a few of ours added in too. These are for marriages, but actually most are just as pertinent to relationships of any kind:
Resilience is like a muscle – it can be strengthened and grown, so don’t been concerned if you don’t think you are very resilient right now.
Marriage is a like a dance – you will need to move positions, change the tempo at times – and accept the season you are in.
Don’t make any big decisions now – we have all been through so much during the pandemic, it is important to draw breath and have some space to process.
Re-establish marriage time – if this is one of the things that has been trickier during lockdown, try and make it a priority now. Setting aside an evening a week to simply focus on your relationship is so important – and helpful.
Go gently and be kind to one another You need to be intentional about this – and recognise that you will probably be at different stages in how you are responding to coming out of lockdown.
Stay connected – you may have needed to find new routines during lockdown; try to keep finding new ways of connecting with one another.
Keep the lines of communication open – and don’t expect the other to know what you are thinking/needing.
Learn to listen well – even when you have a difference of opinion – and be willing to learn from the other.
Make time to laugh together – try to find the funny side even in hard times, and do fun things together.
Be honest and open – with each other and others.
Don’t ignore problems – take time to pray about them then work through them graciously together.
Keep investing in your relationship – keep moving forward – together.
Have courage, curiosity and compassion – don’t always believe everything you think, be compassionate towards one another and yourselves, and have the courage to ask for help from others as well as God. As couples we should not be isolated islands.
If you would like to buy a copy of Grace-Filled Marriage, you can do so here.
Today is the official publication day for our new book Grace-Filled Marriage! It has been a long journey to get here, but we are thrilled that the book is finally out. We’ve had some wonderful reviews coming in – so I just wanted to share a few with you:
‘Grace Filled Marriage brings together great scripturally based wisdom and advice, and marries it seamlessly with compelling real- life stories. I found these little snapshots into other people’s marriage struggles particularly helpful, not least the authors’ own candid revelations of their own troubled marriage journey. It is a brave thing to do, to let God use your own ‘warts and all’ story to bring hope to others. And I think that is what Claire and Steve have done. You know that they know what they are talking about. You can trust they have ‘been there, done that’, and come through it all with a stronger, more loving, more God- honouring marriage -because of His redemptive grace and their willingness to fight. I pray God will honour them for that vulnerability.’ – Joy Margetts
‘This is one of the very best books on marriage I’ve ever read…Because both Claire and Steve tell their stories, each from their own perspective, there’s a balance of male and female input; so I passed the book to my husband and he too read it and found it extremely helpful. In fact, we’ve talked about the positive differences we’ve noticed in our own relationship since reading the book! Which is why I can truly recommend it. In fact, I wish every couple would read it. And everyone preparing for marriage, too!’ – Penelope Swithinbank
‘Your book on marriage is the best I’ve read on the subject and much needed, with its brave honesty and lack of platitudes. It will be so helpful to everyone wanting to build stronger relationships full of grace.’ – Liz Carter
‘Claire and Steve Musters have written a brave, honest, and utterly compelling book about the difficulties they have faced within their marriage and how they found grace and healing through Jesus. Drawing on other real life marriage stories coupled with sound biblical advice this book is a must read for married couples, whether you are just starting out together or have been in a long term partnership. Even as a single person I found some of the advice really useful as it’s sound principles can be applied to all relationships. It’s an absolute gem and I highly recommend it!’ – Ali Grafham
BUYING THE BOOK
If you are interested in purchasing a copy of Grace-Filled Marriage you can buy a signed copy from my bookshop, or by emailing me direct: cmusters@icloud.com (the best option if you want to buy multiple copies or other books by me too, as I can sort a discount!) You can also buy from online shops but do ask your local bookshop if they can stock it too!
As a nation we have begun the journey out of lockdown and, hopefully, that will continue over the next month or so. There has been such a sense of anticipation, and quite a lot of excitement. People have enjoyed being able to meet up with others outside, and even enjoy a meal outside. However, it is so important to go gently.
THE IMPACT OF THE LAST YEAR
What we have been through during this pandemic has been huge – even if, like me, it hasn’t actually affected your day-to-day life as much as it has for others. As someone who already worked from home, my work didn’t really change. However, there was a lot more of it and I was interacting with others working from their homes rather than office spaces.
Even so, I am very aware of the emotional toll this year has taken on me. Feelings of overwhelm seem to strike regularly. Having researched and written articles on the emotional cost of lockdown, as well as having spoken to many others feeling similarly, it does seem that there has been a far-reaching effect that we are going to continue to experience the impact of for years to come. So again, please do go gently.
STRENGTHENED OR STRETCHED?
For those of us that are married – as well as those living with others – our closest relationship(s) will also have been impacted. Encouragingly, recent surveys suggest that many marriages have come out stronger. Couples have recognised the pressure and made a conscious decision to invest in the relationship and support one another well. But for others, the added stress of being with one another 24/7 has put a spotlight on underlying issues. If that is you, can I encourage you to go gently – but not to ignore what has come to light. Talk to one another, try and take positive steps to resolve conflicts – and pull in trusted friends if necessary.
And for all of us, let’s not rush to try and put this incredibly difficult year behind us. If we bury the hard emotions they will simply resurface in weeks, months or even years to come – and not in a good way.
Go gently… on each other if you notice you have shorter fuses than usual
Go gently… if you notice one of you is feeling overwhelmed and you aren’t sure why
Go gently… if one of you is itching to begin socialising again and the other is reticent. Take time to talk it through – and go at a pace agreed by you both.
There are many other scenarios I could have picked – but I hope you have the message by now. Please go gently, and take care of yourself and those closest to you.
NB If you feel you would like some additional resources for your marriage, our book Grace-Filled Marriage is publishing in just over a week – we’d love for you to take a look.
Today we all heard the sad news that Prince Philip has passed away. Having watched my dad (mainly from afar due to Covid) cope with the death of my mum just over a year ago, I was immediately reminded of how tough it is to lose a life-time partner. How lost and alone you can feel.
I was really struck by what Rachel Gardner put on social media: “Today our Queen is simply a woman who has lost her beloved husband of 70 years.” How true that is.
Here are some of thoughts I’ve had today about marriage, grief and thankfulness.
FACING THE CHALLENGES
For any couple, reaching the milestone of 70 years of marriage is enormous, and it is so sad that Prince Philip was so close to his 100th birthday. Yes, they certainly had a privileged existence – I’m not here today to discuss whether I’m a royalist or anti-royalist. But they also had duties that would have added extra strain to their relationship.
Deep down, however, they were still a couple who managed to stick together for an incredible amount of time. In our forthcoming book, Grace-Filled Marriage, blogger Lucy Rycroft from The Hope-filled Family, commented on the lessons she learned about marriage from watching The Crown. Here is the section from our book that discusses what she said: “Obviously a work of fiction, she [Lucy] spoke of how refreshing it was ‘that the script has been written to highlight tensions and situations that are very believable . . . One thing I particularly like is the way Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip’s marriage is portrayed, warts and all.’
“Despite the fact they are not a ‘normal’ couple, the Queen and Prince Philip undoubtedly face the same struggles that other couples do. There must be times when one of them finds the other tiresome, or they simply feel like they are out of touch with one another. In her blog, Lucy looks at an episode during which the Queen finishes a gruelling world tour, Philip goes on his own tour for a month, and when he comes back the Queen speaks candidly about the fact that divorce is not an option for them. She asks Prince Philip what it would take for him to be invested wholeheartedly in their marriage again.”
FAITH AS THE FUEL
That episode obviously covered both the sense of duty but also the fact that the marriage was under pressure. While we don’t know exactly what happened within their marriage, it is easy to imagine that there could have been moments like that. Knowing how strong the Queen’s faith is, I can also imagine that it helped strengthen and keep her resolve within her marriage, as well as other scenarios.
While we might not face the same situations that they did in their marriage, each one of our relationships will face different stresses and strains. May our faith fuel our responses too.
BEING THANKFUL
I am sure that the Queen is feeling the full weight of grief right now – and that she will continue journeying with it. While a strong, solid figure, she is also an elderly woman who no longer has the man who was always by her side. That is going to take some getting used to, however many ‘officials’ she has around her day by day.
While the prince had been ill for some time, when a loved one finally dies the pang of separation is no less because it was expected. But I think today is a stark reminder to us of two things: 1. the importance of togetherness in our marriage, whatever pressure it may be under; 2. how vital it is to be thankful for one another every single day, as we never know when it will be our last one together.
Let us pray for our Queen, that she may be comforted by God’s presence in her grief. And, as we consider marriage, grief and thankfulness, may we take time to reflect on our own relationships and thank God for them. Can you find a practical way to show your husband or wife how much they mean to you this weekend?
I haven’t used a picture of the Queen, as I worked on a magazine during her 80th birthday and the rules surrounding using images of her are so strict I wouldn’t want to get anything wrong! But I also thought using a stock photo brings home the message that actually she is simply like any wife who has just lost her husband… Whatever our circumstances, death is the great leveller.
You may have noticed that I haven’t posted my usual weekly devotional. Last week we ended our series looking at ‘Self’ and I have decided to briefly pause before starting a new devotional series. This will just be for a short time, so that I can get to grips with all I need to do in the run up to the publication of Grace-filled Marriage. I am just setting up the launch group, so please see below details on how to join if you are interested.
JOIN THE LAUNCH GROUP!
Grace-filled Marriage is being published on 7 May, and we are currently looking for people to join our launch group, to help promote the book in the run up to publication.
The group will be centred around a Facebook group (but not exclusively so – please do get in touch if you are not on Facebook but still want to be involved). There we can share promotional ideas, and I will post up links and memes for you to share.
A watermarked review copy of the book in PDF format will be available as soon as you sign up, so that you can read it in advance of publication. (Please do not share this – it is for your eyes only and a perk of being part of the launch group.) Obviously, we would love you to buy your own physical copy once it is out – from your local Christian bookshop, direct from my website or via Amazon. We would also ask that you post a review on as many sites as you can on publication day or as soon after as you can (sites such as Amazon and Goodreads).
To join to the group, please go to Grace-filled Marriage Group where you will be asked to answer three questions. Once I have approved you, please do introduce yourself!
You will also have an opportunity, as part of the Grace-filled Marriage launch group, to get a (free) ticket for the launch party. This will take place on Zoom, which means we will only have 100 tickets (which will be issued on a first come, first served basis). We will also be livestreaming to Facebook so it is possible to watch there too, but to be on the actual Zoom call you will need a ticket.
PART OF THE BIG CHURCH READ!
The Big Church Read is a fairly new project, aimed at encouraging churches to get people reading books and then discussing them together. Authors are providing a set of short videos, plus a reading guide and discussion questions. Our series will be starting on 17 May, but you can see the introductory video if you click on the image below. To find out more do take a look at our Grace-filled MarriageBig Church Read page.
