Tag: being a mum

Man I thought I was over this…

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This week I have been struggling a little with self-pity syndrome. Silly I know – distasteful to me too, and really rather annoying because I know part of it is due to the change in my emotions that occur with the monthly shift of hormone levels too. I spend a fair amount of time with women younger than me, in a friendship capacity but also a discipleship one. And I find time and time again that it is the issue of a poor self-image that crops up. It just seems to be rife among young Christian women. I can understand why, given the way our culture and media bombard us with images that, rather than ‘doing their job’ and encouraging us to aspire to be like the women pictured, belittle us and make us feel somehow of less worth than others. I am glad that we don’t all rush out to spend money on trying to be like those photoshopped models, but nevertheless those images do take their toll. I know I have had to fight to fill my mind with the knowledge of who I am in Christ, of how he sees me, but I confess since having two children and speeding ever closer to the big 40, being around younger women, or those supermums who have managed to have kids and still retain no ounce of fat on their bodies, does make me ashamed of my physical body at times.

But it isn’t just the physical. Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. I know that may come as a surprise to some, but I am still, at heart, a pretty shy person. I have to work hard to push myself through the barrier of wanting to just hide in a corner. I have worked particularly hard at it in church – just as well really as people do not expect a pastor’s wife to hide! Having lots of useful jobs helps – behind the scenes ones are my most comfortable but I am also happy leading worship and talking up the front now. However, put me in a situation that is fairly new to me, or where I am surrounded by much louder, more confident people, and I seem to shrivel a little. My natural instinct is to close down – especially if I try to speak up but someone louder speaks over me.

The reason for this week’s struggle is the age-old playground scenario. My daughter has a lovely bunch of friends, and the mums are nice too. However I am one of the quieter ones, and I can be ignored or overlooked at times. For the second time in recent weeks my daughter was one of the few not invited back to a friend’s house (actually this week she was the only one) and I was really upset for her. On top of that I learned that while I had been away last week they had arranged a group collection for the teachers and not included me. I thought I’d make a special effort and invite them all back after the kids break up on Friday, but one by one they texted back to say they had already arranged to go to the park. I really wished I hadn’t bothered at that point. Now my sensible hat knows that one of the mums knew I had bought a little something for the teachers already, so may have thought I didn’t need to be asked about the collection. And I also realise that I don’t always do the dropping off to school as my husband works nearby, so I probably just wasn’t around when they arranged the park. I don’t know if it is my ego, or my insecurity, but my reaction inside was to think that it isn’t that hard to think about who is missing from the group and send a quick text. So I immediately began to spiral and think that they obviously don’t think that much of me. My lack of worth was further emphasised to me when I read that two other writers were in the middle of writing for a publication that doesn’t seem to want me.

I’m not in the best place today, but I have been working hard to remind myself of who I am, of who loves me – and that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things! Even writing it down makes it seem rather petty – a bit silly – and yet, being honest to myself – and you – shows me that it has affected me this week.

It is hard when something you thought you had worked hard to conquer comes and seems to overtake you again – but I guess it is a good reminder that I can’t do things in my own strength so need to press into God more. He is the source of my life, goodness, sense of worth etc. Yes I feel sheepishly humbled – yet again – but at least it has reminded me that without him I can do nothing!

A re-focusing on my role

I said I was going to write more on why I missed the last day of the Newfrontiers conference – so here goes… Last week was utterly manic for me – great but manic. It was wonderful to be able to plan to attend the whole conference, as I only normally go for one or two days due to childminding issues. But each day we travelled to Brighton – and each day, during the breaks, I was running around speaking to people, making new contacts etc for work purposes. In that sense it was a double blessing for me, and extra exhausting! But then we arrived home on the Thurs early eve… Within an hour we were heading for A&E. Why? Because our youngest had blood pouring from his mouth. The two of them had been playing around on the floor of his sister’s bedroom while I tried to call them into the bath. As I pulled them apart he fought me and slipped – albeit 2 inches – onto the carpeted floor and started howling. I thought it must have been a carpet burn on his chin as I saw he hadn’t put his hands down to steady himself. But no. There was a huge amount of blood and two bottom teeth sticking out alarmingly far from his mouth and at 90 degrees to where they should have been. What followed was an evening in one A&E, then another early morning trip to a second A&E, a wait for the plastic surgery team, a painful try at removing his teeth without any pain relief and then a different type of painful wait for a recovery bed in what was a hospital now closed to paediatric patients. God’s favour was on us though, and the doctor who saw us wouldn’t give up and finally secured him a place at the end of the dental day surgery list. My poor little boy had managed to lacerate his bottom gum with his top teeth and, while the gum healed itself with what seemed to be miraculous speed, his bottom two front teeth were not salvageable. So we went through an incredibly short but traumatic general anesthetic process – he fought it, I fought back tears – and then he bounced back far quicker than we did!

There is nothing like an accident to refocus yourself and I am glad that it was my basic mothering instincts that took over that day. Okay, yes, if I’m honest I did have one or two thoughts about how was I going to work out particular articles without seeing the people I was due to on the last day of the conference. And I had been so so chuffed to be at the start of the conference, having never been, that I was really looking forward to being at the final day of the final international conference! But that did all pale into insignificance when I saw my poor boy and I just desperately wanted to hold him, to make it better, to take his place. All the times I had worried whether I was not paying my kids enough attention, whether I had too much of a focus on the new direction my work is taking, whether church takes too high a priority in our household, were swiped away that day when I realised without a doubt that I would make sure my kids came first. They are such a precious gift from God and I am determined to be the best mum I can be!

Feeding the clown while half asleep…

I had a really fulfilling day yesterday. Absolutely manic but I felt I achieved a lot and got on top of loads of things that had been hanging over me. As well as looking after my son I cleaned the whole house from top to bottom, worked on some articles, came up with some more article ideas, did a load of ironing, cooked a nice meal for me and hubby after the kids were tucked up in bed and even managed to watch a film with him too as it was our only night off this week. I went to bed exhausted but happy. I had just snuggled down into the covers, just got myself into that half asleep state, when in padded our little boy saying the rain had woken him up. I got up, told him the rain wasn’t scary, put him back into bed, tucked him in, kissed him good night and prayed with him then left his room while saying there was no need to get back up again till morning. This little routine happened about 8 times over the next 21/2 hours – then he finally fell asleep… only to appear again at 4am. This time I was so exhausted I couldn’t even bring myself to get back up and let him crawl in with us. I never normally do that – and it was a bad decision because then I only got fitful snoozes after that. As our daughter ran in at 7am all bright and cheerful my heart sank, as I knew I was helping at the school fayre all day and really needed to be livelier than I was feeling! I know there are so many other parents out there that have to cope with this lack of sleep on a regular basis. For me, it is one of the hardest things about parenting. It’s at such times, when something out of the ordinary happens, that I realise that the pace I live my life at is only just about do-able. I did really enjoy helping out at the fayre on the ‘feed the clown’ stall but I felt incredibly sick. As soon as we got home both me and my son crashed out on our bed for a couple of hours – actually quite nice but not a luxury I can afford most days. I asked my husband to help me make sure we both go to bed early each night this week – as it was getting later and later and now I’m just past exhaustion. I know I was talking about spiritual spring cleaning the other day – but we also have a responsibility to look after our bodies too – and this one is just plain tired…

Appreciating one another

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Many of the thoughts that get me delving more deeply into my brain to ponder an issue occur when I’m doing something mundane. I guess that’s just a reflection of my life as a mum! I was busy dishing up dinner the other night when it suddenly dawned on me that I had probably already prepared, cooked and served up hundreds – if not thousands – of dishes since getting married and that there is no end in sight! We will have been married 18 years in August, our eldest will turn 6 in September, but I will still be clocking up the amount of meals I’ve prepared for us well after the time my husband and I retire! I started to get the hump – started to think about how many jobs a mother – and wife – does that go on behind the scenes, unnoticed. But then something in my spirit stopped me. And I started remembering all the times when my husband had sacrificially given of his time and I’d taken it for granted. And the times when my kids may have done something I’d been trying to teach them to do for ages and they suddenly ‘got it’ – but in my weary state I didn’t seem to praise or encourage them that much. I then started thinking about all the people there are in our church. A church doesn’t function without the help of its members and I wondered how often I’d thanked the welcome team for putting out the chairs faithfully each week for example. And, as I head up the worship team with my husband, I started thinking about all the musicians we are responsible for. How often do I take the time to check how each one of them is? I know I make sure to thank each one that plays alongside me on a particular Sunday, but what about all the other times when I’m not leading – do I still make time to show my appreciation? I know that it would seem forced to thank everyone every week, but I did get stopped in my tracks and just believe it is worth each one of us thinking about this. Do we truly appreciate those people who are around us day by day – the ones that we ‘do life with’? We could all do with some encouragement – why not tell someone how much you appreciate them today?

The gift of parents

As I said in my last post, we went to HTB’s Relationship Central Conference last week. With two small children at home, I was only able to go because my parents kindly offered to stay with us and take on my role. They stayed on for a few more days in order to enjoy the weekend with us all, and to help me out further as I had a backlog of article writing I needed to focus on. Just having one clear day without constant ‘little person interruptions’ has enabled my stress levels to go right down as I now feel things are back to an achievable level. While I feel bad that I didn’t get to see my parents that much, we did manage to have a few fun evenings – and mum and I grabbed a couple of short girly shopping trips! They left this afternoon but all day I have been thinking about, and thanking God for, the blessing of parents. Not only are they happy to travel up and help whenever we need them to, my mum does a lot to lighten my load around the house too and my dad amuses my son whatever my mum and I are up to! And it is wonderful that my kids get to see their wider family fairly regularly, even though we aren’t local to one another. It brings a richness and vitality to their life – and stepping back from the hands on parenting gives me a chance to view my children from a slight distance, and the result is always fresh delight (okay the double meltdown that occurred after my parents left wasn’t great, but I am certain I handled better than I would have done usually). I have been challenged today as to whether my parents truly know how much I value their practical help, the love they show to me and my family and their words of wisdom. If you feel the same about your parents, do they know it too?

Relationship central

On Friday I had the huge privilege of attending Holy Trinity Brompton’s Relationship Central Conference. HTB is where Alpha was born, and those running the conference created the hugely successful Marriage Course and Marriage Preparation Course. On Friday they launched their new Parenting Children and Parenting Teenagers Courses. Both promise to be as helpful as the marriage courses, which are now run in over 100 countries round the world. Just before our pastor went on sabbatical we took time out to go on the Marriage Course at a local church that was running it. It was so helpful to have that opportunity just to pause and take stock. As we are in the process of buying a building for the church now we were excited about the prospect of being able to run such a course there in the future, which is why we went to the conference. Having been, we are now hoping to run the parenting ones too!

As leaders will know, when you are in charge of a church it is difficult to ever find the time to visit other churches, so I was really keen to go to HTB as I’d never had the chance to (even though I used to work in a publishing house just down the road from it 15 years ago). I was blown away by the welcome. The conference was brilliantly organised and executed by many friendly faces all eager to help make the day as accessible and enjoyable as possible. Enticing muffins greeted us as we arrived, and the food just kept coming all day long! I have never been so well fed at a conference! 🙂 My husband recently attended the HTB leadership conference and he commented that, yet again, the church proved that they certainly know how to put on a conference. The highlight was definitely meeting and listening to Nicky and Sila Lee. God has certainly placed a particular gifting in them but it was so refreshing to see them in the flesh and watch them banter with one another. It makes them seem ‘normal’ and helps put across the notion that what they are teaching is attainable – they aren’t super spiritual beings, but just like every one of us. The materials they have put together have been done in such a way to make them as cheap and easy to use as they possibly could – another attention to detail that is going to bless thousands across the world as they start to implement these new courses in their churches.

Half-term antics

These holidays have seemed much longer than a week – we have certainly packed a lot in! My five-year-old daughter seems to have far surpassed her years. Her dad found a cabin bed at a bargain price online so she is now sleeping near the ceiling, fully kitted out with a sofa and desk underneath her bed. It would be a perfect hideaway for a teenager – every time I sit to read her a bedtime story in the space underneath I think that I’d like the room to be mine! I think there may be a bit of reliving our lost childhood going on for both her parents! 😉 When she went into that bed her brother moved from a cot into her old bed. Packing up all the baby stuff last week, and now the cot this week, has seemed like the end of an era. I know people always say it, but they do grow up fast! When you are in the midst of it it doesn’t necessarily feel like that, but every so often there are those moments that take you by surprise, cause you to step back and marvel at how much they’ve grown and developed right under your nose without you realising it. They are such a gift and each moment so precious – I just need to slow down enough to enjoy them…

Cooking with a toddler in tow…

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This morning I decided to utilise one of my favourite presents from last Christmas again – my slow cooker. For some reason I was feeling more relaxed than usual with my cooking, so I suggested my little boy ‘help’. Normally I’m cooking on the hop, taking a quick break from working, playing a game with the kids or one of the many chores that are piled up waiting and so I find it hard to cope with the extra time – and mess – that cooking with a toddler entails. I’m also a bit of a control freak (I graciously say ‘bit’ to describe myself now as having two small children has certainly forced me not to be quite so freakish about things!).

Stood on a chair next to me my son was ecstatic every time a new vegetable came out of the drawer. He gasped at the sound of the pork sizzling in the pan as I browned it off, found the steam that came out of the slow cooker when I then placed the meat in it fascinating and begged me to let him help me do some chopping. Taking the time to see things through his eyes really helped me focus too. I learned today that God really is with me in the mundane. He showed me how much pleasure can be found in listening to a toddler try and say ‘aubergine’ and ‘courgette’ for the first time. I looked around my kitchen, at the mess and pile of jobs left to do, but realised that slowing down, just for a few minutes, can make so much difference to my outlook for the rest of the day. Now to see how long it lasts – especially as my son is currently on my lap busy pushing keys and playing with the mouse as I try to write this!! ;D

More than just a cuppa and a chat

I have just returned from the mums and toddlers group I go to on a Wednesday morning. While I was walking back it just struck me all over again what a privilege it is to belong to it. This is definitely no ordinary mother/toddler group. We are all Christian mums and, while the kids have great fun playing with one another (and someone else’s toys!), the emphasis is on the mums. It is a place to support each other. We may have minor theological differences as we all come from different churches in the area, but that is not what is important. I frankly don’t care about that. To have found a group of like-minded women that I can be totally honest with – can laugh or cry with, vent my frustrations to and enjoy shared experiences with – it is a precious, precious gift God has granted us all. It is a place we know is safe, that there are no repercussions from and that will stay totally confidential. Because of that we share some of our deepest thoughts and struggles – as well as our day-to-day triumphs. We may talk about issues to do with being a mum, Christian, wife and each time one shares, there are always others who have been through something similar who can offer experienced advice. And when one is hurting we all hurt. We stand with one another and pray for each other. Whenever possible we also study various parts of the Bible, or aspects of being a Christian. I tell you what, when I suffered badly from postnatal depression a couple of years ago, this group was my main lifeline. And it has continued to be a vital part of my life. I am so grateful that God has provided a place for me where I can fellowship with other Christian mums and have more than just a cuppa and a chat…

‘Just’ mummy today

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I found today really refreshing. I didn’t have a deadline to meet, or an article that I HAD to work on, so (apart from a few emails) I spent the whole day with my son and a few of our friends. It was so enjoyable to spend time with people I’ve been too busy to see on a regular basis recently, and I found I enjoyed being focused on ‘being mummy’ a lot more than I do when it is the only thing I do day in day out for a while. That made me think about the fact that it is actually good for my family that I’m now back to working more – not just financially but also because I am feeling more fulfilled as a person. I know there are some awkward moments – when I’ve got deadlines looming or an idea brewing so I can’t seem to focus on anything else – but surely a more fulfilled mum makes for a better mum? I do hope so, because I’d really like to continue on this path I’ve embarked upon! I’ve still got issues to sort – such as how to drop everything I’m in the middle of writing to deal with a ‘crisis’ of my daughter’s with a degree of grace and patience I haven’t as yet found! (And then to remember what on earth it was I meant to write next!) But as 21st-century mums we all have our juggling acts and I’m not here to moan – I love the fact I can work from home and be here for my kids as much as I need to be. I do have the best of both worlds and, while having a foot in both camps continuously can be quite a tall order at times, I wouldn’t have it any other way!