I thank God for you

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So many things I’ve meant to say
So much I’ve meant to show.
It’s easy letting time go by
And to think somehow you’ll know.
So I wrote this song to just make sure
You never doubt it’s true
That I thank God for you
I thank God for you

You spend yourself so freely
On the things you do for me
You’re always there to lift me up
When I’m less than I should be
To earn the kind of love you give
There’s nothing I could do
And I thank God for you
I thank God for you

I thank God because He’s given me
A lover and a friend
With a heart that I can trust in
Through it all until the end
I thank God because you give more
Than I had ever hoped to find
No one else this side of heaven
Gives me so much peace of mind

The years have gone so quickly
Since we changed to one from two
But time has just intensified
The bond I share with you
And yes, I’d do it all again
To love you as I do
I thank God for you
I thank God for you

Bleary-eyed but still serving

We are going through one of those seasons. You know the ones – where one of your children decides that waking up mega-early is fun and they are going to do it constantly, night after night. So you are surviving on at least three hours less sleep than normal.

It’s at times like these that I get tested to the limits. It always seems to come when we are at our busiest. I never quite know whether it is them showing their disdain for the extra work or church commitments we’ve taken on, or God’s wry way of asking us to check if our priorities are still round the right way. Whatever it is, I know I get more irritable, lose my patience more easily and generally feel more down. If I’m honest I can find dealing with the children an extra burden I could do without – and then when I realise that I’m overwhelmed by guilt – sometimes… And it sometimes also hits me what these seasons reveal to me about my character flaws. And I wonder how come they are all still there, when I thought I’d made some headway with some of them…

The worst night of all often happens right before a Sunday meeting – when my husband is obviously facilitating the meeting, I may be playing and singing but whatever else I’m doing I will probably be ministering to a few people. I often think how can I when I feel empty myself – when I’m drained and grumpy? And that’s when I find the miracle I’m so regularly thankful for – God steps in when I’m beyond it. I know others say it too – when you really aren’t in control because you are so tired, it is actually often easier for God to accomplish what He wants to because He doesn’t have to get past your own thoughts and feelings on the matter. That’s not to say I wouldn’t prefer to be serving from a more awake state – just that I’m extremely grateful for what He does when I am struggling to keep my eyes open and my brain focused on what I am supposed to be doing!

Where is your focus?

In church yesterday we had a really powerful time of worship. It was especially poignant for me as it was only the second time I had brought a ‘spiritual song’ without being behind the comfort of my keyboard. But that’s not what this post is about. We sang the words:

You opened my eyes to Your wonders anew
You captured my heart with this love
Because nothing on earth is as beautiful as You…

Those words seemed to come alive to me afresh yesterday, but also caused me to question myself, and wonder about those around me too because I’m sure we are all very similar! We sing those words, and mean them from the bottom of our hearts (okay, at times), so how come – if ‘nothing is as beautiful’ – do we get so easily distracted by things, by ‘stuff’? That’s one of the points made in the first talk at the worship conference we went to. It’s a simple point, often made, but I might as well say it again here. If we’re not worshipping God, we are worshipping something, or someone, else. So, today, where is your focus?

Making me think…

A few weeks ago we watched My Sister’s Keeper. What a film. Cried long silent tears – I couldn’t lose it completely as I didn’t want to miss any of it! I thought it was well acted and brought out so many different issues. It made me think for the first time whether I would in fact have a dilemma if faced with the opportunity to save my daughter’s life by creating a ‘designer’ baby – something I have always been so set against (and still am). In such an emotional situation would I remain true to my morals? And then the heartbreaking tearing apart of a family – and the ‘using’ of the youngest daughter. All so understandable, but so so wrong. Also understandable was the mother’s determination not to give up – even in the face of everyone else telling her she must, including her dying daughter. Again it made me question what I would do. I guess watching films like that once you have become a mum really brings things home in a different way…

A few steps forward…

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Recently I was able to go to the Christian Resources Exhibition, armed with my newly printed business cards. I was determined to make contacts in Christian publishing there – for both my editorial and writing capacities. And I did have some incredibly interesting and fruitful discussions – only time will tell how fruitful they were!

It has been a fairly gruelling few months of contacting magazines and publishers and pitching articles. It makes such a difference when one or two positive responses result in work – then I just have to find a way to fit them round my beautiful children! 😉 There have been one or two publications that I have desperately wanted to write for – and yet all my ideas seem to either fall short of what they want or I have come up with the same idea as someone else who got there first. That is the frustration of this type of work. I may just be starting out, but the in-house magazine editors have countless others trying to write for them and what makes me special? But continuing thought down that avenue does not do me any good, so I have to learn to pick myself up and keep going. Because persistence and creative thought are the only ways forward for me. I am determined to make this work – and have been thrilled by the pieces that I have been involved with. Some of the subject matter is truly humbling. And some of the other articles really help to promote others rather than me – but that’s the nature of this freelance writing beast. And I have to learn to toughen up and take the rough with the smooth. It isn’t an attack on, or rejection of, my personality or character when an editor says no thank you – I just simply need to lay that idea aside and think of another one. Easier said than done at times, but I’m trying!

Time out with God

The last few weeks have been what I can only term mind-blowingly hectic. Thanks to both our mothers we were able to go to two conferences, staying away one night. I enjoyed my first – yes, unbelievable to so many I met there it was in fact my first – Newfrontiers prayer and fasting conference. It was such a privilege to be amongst so many other leaders praising and praying. I was struck once again by the great care of our Lord. While no agenda other than seeking His face and praying His will was set, time and time again there were words about taking this time out to enjoy resting and being refreshed in His spirit. I was also struck again by the humility of our movement’s leaders. They are so approachable, so down-to-earth. It is great to be reminded of why I am so happy to be a part of Newfrontiers, and so relieved at how trustworthy our leaders are. It is true that submission isn’t difficult when those you are submitting to are doing what they are called to!

Our family

Having published my girly chat post, I realised I hadn’t introduced my family at all. We have two small kids – one just started full-time school and the other is at home with me every day. I’ve always been busy and wouldn’t have it any other way. Most of the time I’ve been working part-time, and haven’t had many weeks off of the worship team either since having kids. But I am aware that our lives seem to have ‘gone up a notch’. I thought I was busy before – now things are simply manic! I just want to ensure that we get our priorities right from day one (okay well from whatever day it is!). Our relationship to God, to each other and to our children should always come first. Yes being in church leadership is an awesome responsibility, and answering what I believe was God’s call to write is incredibly important to me too. However, I don’t ever want to become so caught up in all the things that we need to do, and could give ourselves to, that I don’t give the time that I need to to my family. Or don’t notice it when one of my kids really needs me. That would suck. For all of us…

A pastor’s wife…

So what does that actually mean exactly?… I keep being told that there is no such thing as a pastor’s wife in the Bible – that there is no definitive role, that I should simply concentrate on being the woman that God called me to be and not worry about, take on or even create imaginary expectations from others about what I should be doing. My response? Well that is all well and good but part of my God-given role is to support my husband and there will no doubt be a change in stress-levels etc for him now. To backtrack a little, he became a full-time associate pastor about a year and a half ago now, but our only other full-time worker, and lead elder of the church, is on sabbatical at the moment. I would say things are going brilliantly, and my husband has really stepped up to the mark. Okay we need to learn to juggle things a little better, so we get some quality time together, but, overall, it’s good. My only concern really is the change in dynamic that could happen at home. Could we get so busy that our children suffer?

A girly chat

I was chatting to my daughter this morning and was struck once again how easy it is for her to talk about God to those around her. I had overheard her the day before walking to school, excited that she had found out another friend goes to church every Sunday. ‘Wow we are both Christians!’ she exclaimed, beaming. She then said that her other best friends didn’t know about God and didn’t go to church – so she had to teach them. I wonder whether it is simply the freedom of childhood, or she is an evangelist in the making! It is so overwhelming at times to stop and actually take a step back and look at my kids. Life is usually far too busy and I am often too harassed to be grateful as I should, but there is so so much potential hidden in their little bodies and only God knows where they will end up. It is so important to pray for them and to help develop their giftings. I just hope I am not too caught up in myself and the jobs I have to do to give them everything they need to fulfil the potential placed inside of them.

Invited

I am not a new convert to the idea that worship is not about singing songs on a Sunday morning – it is about our whole lifestyle – a heart issue. I’ve been to a worship conference and a prayer and fasting conference in the last couple of weeks (no small feat given the fact I have two small children!). Worshipping with a great throng is a wonderful experience but even in the midst of that God can still call us intimately. I was amazed at His grace and mercy afresh in both conferences – for different reasons, but some similar things were highlighted. We must remember to be confident in who He is, and who we are in Him – we are invited into His presence. Invited by Him!! And it is His presence that is the most important thing of all – we talked about corporate gatherings and leading worship times within them (there will probably be more on that later, as our worship team get together to feedback our thoughts on the worship conference this week). Stepping back from what we usually do week in, week out, it is easy to see how much we can be distracted. As someone I admire greatly said to a group of us last year, make sure you keep the main thing, the main thing. That is so true – if God isn’t there, what is the point of a meeting?!! Do we even notice if He’s there or not?